<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>One Wild and Precious Life by MissBinx</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28104585">One Wild and Precious Life</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissBinx/pseuds/MissBinx'>MissBinx</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Cancer, Chemotherapy, Coping with Death, Doctor Ben Solo, Don't worry, F/M, Fear of Death, Fertility Issues, Hippy Luke, Hospitals, I only do HEA, Loss of Virginity, Nobody Actually Dies, Poet Rey, Sickness, Suicidal Thoughts, Talk of Pregnancy, buckle in for angst people, chemo - Freeform, childhood friends to adult lovers, childhood illness, donate to St. Jude, explicit (eventually), passing mentions of drug use (marijuana), talk of death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:54:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>75,102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28104585</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissBinx/pseuds/MissBinx</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Surly teenager Ben meets cheery five year old Rey when they're both cancer patients in the hospital. An unlikely friendship is formed between the pair, despite the age difference, and Ben decides that he wants to be a doctor so that no one like Rey will ever suffer. Fifteen years later, Ben is the leading oncologist in the country and they meet again when Rey is diagnosed with cancer a second time.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1138</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Ijustfellintothissendhelp</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. October 2006 - Ben's POV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalaitskelcey/gifts">lalaitskelcey</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/lawfulchaoscat/gifts">lawfulchaoscat</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlaMac0801/gifts">AlaMac0801</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic is dedicated to <a href="https://twitter.com/lalaitskelcey2">@lalaitskelcey2</a>, <a href="https://twitter.com/LaneReads">@LaneReads</a> &amp; <a href="https://twitter.com/lawfulchaoscat">@lawfulchaoscat</a> for their contributions to St. Jude Children's hospital.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em> Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> Tell me, what is it you plan to do </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> with your one wild and precious life? </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>       - The Summer Day by Mary Oliver </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p> </p><p>October 2006</p><p> </p><p>Several fat drops of rain fall from the sky as fifteen year old Benjamin Solo follows his mother out of the school. He hunches in on himself, pulling the hood of his sweatshirt up over his head as he is led to the BMW pulled up alongside the curb. From his pocket, he pulls out his iPod, a gift from his absentee father to make up for the fact that he is never around, and puts shoves an earbud into his ear to drown out the click click of Leia Organa’s heels on the sidewalk.</p><p> </p><p>She is on her phone, as she often is, heaving a sigh and rolling her eyes as Ben climbs into the passenger seat. “I’ll be back in twenty,” she tells whoever she is talking to and flips her phone shut.</p><p> </p><p>Ben knows she is angry at him as she shoves her key into the ignition, but he is used to her anger. He can’t even remember what it was like before and wonders if his mother had ever been happy in all of her life. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s heard her laugh. </p><p> </p><p>He slides the second earbud into his other ear as he leans his head against the cool glass of the window, letting the heavy bassline of ‘Steady as She Goes’ lull him into a more peaceful state of mind.</p><p> </p><p>He is just drifting off -- he always feels tired lately -- when the earbud is yanked from his ear. “Are you listening to me?” his mother asks, taking her eyes off the road momentarily to glare at him.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Ben grits out, angry at being roused and at having his music taken away.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t use that tone with me,” Leia snaps back. “I’m tired of having to leave work early to pick you up from school. Can you make it through one week, Ben?”</p><p> </p><p>He rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest. He was perfectly willing to admit when he was up to no good. Like the time he’d been caught smoking pot in Ryan Henderson’s car when he was supposed to be in math class. Or last month when he’d got caught making out with Ashley Collins in the ecology section of the library (okay, so he also had his hand up her shirt, but he was fifteen, so he could hardly be blamed for what his hormones made him do). Or the time he got caught cheating on a chemistry test and again when he’d keyed the teacher’s car in retaliation. This time, however, Ben had done nothing wrong. “I’m sorry work is more important to you than your son,” he spits.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t you dare,” Leia says as she pulls out of the school parking lot and drives off in the direction of their home. Her voice quivers with emotion despite her intention to reprimand him and Ben refuses to feel guilty for what he said because they both know it’s the truth. Leia is never around and Ben knows it’s because she doesn’t want to be. He is the son she’d never wanted, the reason her husband grew cold and distant. Every second he spends in her presence, he can feel her resentment. He scoffs.</p><p> </p><p>To the outside world, Leia appears to be a loving and devoted mother: sending her only son to a fancy private school and buying the biggest McMansion in the cul de sac, but all Ben can feel are the lies behind her actions. Her entire life is just a show; everything about Leia Organa is meticulously planned from the power suits to the manicured hands and Ben knows that he doesn’t fit in with any of it. He’s a disappointment, and he knows it.</p><p> </p><p>His hippy Uncle Luke tells Leia that he’s just acting out and the therapist his mother had sent him to had declared that he has ‘behavioral issues’, but in reality, Ben is lonely and no one cares. Ryan Henderson doesn’t care that Ben’s dad left without saying goodbye and Ashley Collins only makes out with him to see how jealous Dane Myers gets. No one understands the desperation that claws at his insides and makes it hard to breathe.</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t do anything this time,” Ben defends himself. “I got winded and felt dizzy in P.E.”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe if you didn’t smoke so much pot, you wouldn’t get winded,” Leia points out as she turns into their development. Ben opens his mouth to disagree and Leia cuts him off, “I was a teenager in the ‘70s. I know what pot smells like.”</p><p> </p><p>“Smoking pot a few times didn’t make my lungs stop working,” Ben reasons. “Besides, you’ve smoked way more than I ever have so why are you lecturing me?”</p><p> </p><p>Leia says nothing else as she pulls into the driveway, her jaw clenched in anger, and Ben pushes the door open and jumps out as he puts his backpack on. He shoves the earbuds back in his ears and slams the door shut. He thinks he hears Leia shout something at him, but he doesn’t care. </p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t either. When Ben looks over his shoulder, Leia is already a block away.</p><p> </p><p>Ben unlocks the door and tosses his backpack on the floor. A new wave of anger ripples through him as he makes himself a turkey sandwich and his appetite is gone. Leia hadn’t even asked him what had happened, she’d just assumed he’d done something wrong.</p><p> </p><p>Just because he got in trouble a few times lately, didn’t mean that was all he was capable of doing. Out of seemingly nowhere he feels tired and it's hard to breathe and all he wants to do is curl up and sleep. No matter how much sleep he gets, it’s never enough. Instead of watching tv like he normally does when he’s sent home early, Ben curls up on the sofa and falls asleep.</p><p> </p><p>He is awoken later when Leia shakes his shoulder, “Ben.”</p><p> </p><p>When he sits up, it’s dark outside and he blinks up at his mom, feeling disoriented. “What time is it?”</p><p> </p><p>Leia is still dressed in her work clothes and Ben knows that it’s likely she just got home. “Midnight,” she tells him. “Why were you sleeping on the couch?”</p><p> </p><p>“I fell asleep when I got home,” he explains, rolling the stiffness out of his shoulders and wincing slightly as they pop.</p><p> </p><p>“You’ve been asleep for almost twelve hours?” Leia asks, shaking her head. “For Christ’s sake, Ben. You have school in the morning and now you’re going to be up all night. I’m not picking you up from school tomorrow when you’re too tired to function. I can’t believe how lazy…”</p><p> </p><p>Ben stands up and leaves the room, ignoring his mother’s lecture as he climbs the stairs to his room. What’s the point in trying to defend himself when everything he does is wrong?</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Over the next few weeks, Ben sleeps -- in class, after school, sometimes even as he stands in the shower. He’s always exhausted no matter how much sleep he gets and when Leia gets a phone call from the school counselor that he is failing half his classes, he falls asleep as she screams at him.</p><p> </p><p>Her tone turns from anger to terror when she is unable to rouse him and when Ben finally wakes up, he’s on his back on the kitchen floor as a paramedic stands over him. He blinks up in confusion and Leia’s arms are suddenly around him as she sobs into his chest.</p><p> </p><p>He feels so disoriented and confused as he tries to blink away the haze he seems to be under and extricate himself from his mom’s death-grip. </p><p> </p><p>“God, Ben… what the fuck was that?” Leia gasps.</p><p> </p><p>“I fell asleep,” Ben says. He thinks that’s what has happened, anyway but his head feels fuzzy and he has no sense of how long he’s been asleep.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m taking you to the clinic. Get in the car,” Leia orders, standing and grabbing her purse.</p><p> </p><p>“I just need sleep,” Ben argues but Leia shoots him a look that kills any will to push the idea and by the time Ben gets his shoes on, Leia is already in the car.</p><p> </p><p>She says nothing the whole car ride to the hospital and Ben wonders how she’d gone from raving mad to silent so quickly. A few moments pass before he is able to figure out what is making <em> the </em> Leia Organa so silent -- she is scared. Her hands grip the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles are white and her jaw is clenched tight as her eyes stare straight ahead.</p><p> </p><p>Ben doesn’t think he’s ever seen her so silent in all of his life and he thinks, bitterly, maybe if she were more like this, his father never would have left.</p><p> </p><p>When Leia pulls into the parking lot, she almost hits another car and a colorful string of curses leave her lips as she practically runs over a woman on crutches. “Get out of the fucking way you God damn piece of shit,” she continues her rant and from the corner of her eye, she sees Ben struggling not to laugh. “Not a word…”</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t say anything,” he holds his hands up defensively.</p><p> </p><p>When she finally finds a parking spot, she pulls in so fast that it nearly gives Ben whiplash. And he struggles to unbuckle his belt and get out of the car in order to keep up with her in her aggressive pursuit of medical care for her son. “Hurry,” she barks as she marches into the lobby and straight to the reception area. “My son needs to be seen.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fill out these forms and wait over there,” a bored nurse says as she hands Leia a clipboard. </p><p> </p><p>Ben knows his mother won’t take that as an answer and soon she has the nurse almost in tears as she threatens her job, the hospital, (and perhaps even the poor woman’s first born child). Before Ben can even apologize for his mother’s behavior, he’s sitting on the examination table without his shirt on as a doctor hems and haws over him. Ben winces as the doctor prods his neck, just behind his ears and then his armpits.</p><p> </p><p>“How long have your lymph nodes been swollen, Ben?” the doctor asks.</p><p> </p><p>Ben isn’t sure what a lymph node is, but he can see the lump under his arm and shrugs, “I dunno. A couple of months?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ben, why didn’t you say anything?” his mother asks from where she stands on the other side of the room.</p><p><br/>
He shrugs and doesn’t say anything as the doctor takes a blood sample from his arm. The truth is that he knows his mother would have brushed him off. From the guilty way she looks down, Ben knows that they are both aware Leia would have shown little interest in some dumb lumps under his arm.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll call when we get the blood results, but it’s most likely something like mono,” the doctor assures them as Ben puts his shirt back on. “Keep him home from school until we get the results.”</p><p> </p><p>Leia nods and shakes the doctor’s hand as she puts her purse on. She clings to Ben’s side as they exit the hospital and he knows that she must be feeling bad about the way she has neglected him. The guilt won’t last and he doesn’t try to fool himself into thinking that suddenly she will care. How many times has she briefly shown regret over leaving him alone too often? For missing birthday parties and big soccer games? She’ll be sorry for a few hours and then life will continue on like normal.</p><p> </p><p>When they get home, Leia offers to make him his favorite meal -- spaghetti with garlic bread -- but he doesn’t feel like eating so he goes to his room and lays in bed, staring at the ceiling until he falls asleep. </p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Leia doesn’t wake him for school before she leaves and when Ben finally pulls himself out of bed, it’s already past noon. He lays in bed for a while longer, until he hears the phone ringing downstairs. Maybe it's Leia or the school, Ben thinks, and he stumbles down the stairs and into the kitchen, grabbing the phone. “Hello?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ben,” Leia says. “Get dressed. We’re going back to the doctor’s office.” The tone of her voice doesn’t leave room for argument and as soon as he hangs up, he goes to shower and get dressed.</p><p> </p><p>“What is going on?” he asks when he comes downstairs and finds Leia waiting for him in the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>“Your test results came back and it isn’t mono. They want to do a biopsy on your lymph nodes,” she says and there is a quiver to her voice that worries Ben.</p><p> </p><p>When they arrive at the doctor’s office, Ben follows a nurse back and this time Leia stays in the waiting room. He’s instructed to put on a hospital gown and when the doctor comes back with a needle, Ben eyes it warily but lifts his arm as instructed. It’s more painful than a shot, but not horrible and when it's all over Ben changes back into his street clothes and leaves with his mom. It isn’t until he gets home and googled what a lymph node biopsy was for: finding infections, immune diseases, or <em> cancer </em>.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>A week and a half passes and Ben is able to forget about the c-word. He returns to school and continues his streak of sleeping through half his classes, only now that his teachers have been informed that he is having medical issues, he is sent to the nurses’ office. At lunch, Ashley Collins coos over him, probably to make Dane jealous, but Ben secretly hopes it’s also because she is worried about him. That maybe she might actually <em> care. </em></p><p> </p><p>When he walks home from his bus stop, he freezes at the sight of his dad’s car in the driveway and he walks hesitantly to the door. When he opens it, he hears both of his parents talking in hushed voices and some childish part of his psyche clings to the hope that maybe they are getting back together. The cynical part knows that it’s impossible, but when he walks into the kitchen, Han is embracing Leia, whose face is buried against his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, kid,” Han greets as soon as he spots his son.</p><p> </p><p>Ben clenches his fists. Nearly a year has passed since he last saw his dad and ‘hey, kid’ is how he chooses to greet him? He deserves an apology, he deserves to have his father at his feet grovelling for forgiveness but he knows that both of his parents are too selfish to feel remorse. He says nothing and walks around them both to grab a soda from the fridge. He turns to head to his room, but Leia stops him.</p><p> </p><p>“Ben, we need to talk,” Leia says.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t <em> want </em> to talk,” Ben grits out as his grip tightens on the can in his hand. He wants to go to his room and crank his music and maybe punch a wall. He starts to leave again when he is interrupted by his mother.</p><p> </p><p>“The doctor’s office called, Ben.” That stops him in his tracks and Leia continues, “They found cancer cells.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben is silent, staring at the floor and it makes sense why Han is here. Not because he is worried for his son, but because his estranged wife needs the comfort. Nobody is here to hug Ben -- no one has even tried. He has <em> cancer </em>, god, as strange as that felt to think, and Leia is the one seeking comfort. The desire to scream at both of them for their selfishness wells up but he extinguishes it almost as quickly as it came on. “Good,” is all Ben says as he turns and leaves the room.</p><p> </p><p>He climbs the stairs to his room and slams the door shut, turning his music on full blast and throwing himself on the bed. Still, no one comes to comfort him and a small part of Ben wonders if they’ll both be happier when he’s dead. He buries his face in his pillow, glad for the music to drown out his sobs.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p><em> Hodgkin's Lymphoma </em> is what his cancer is called and without consulting Ben or considering what he might want, Leia makes the decision that treatment will begin as soon as possible. When his first chemo appointment arrives, Leia is too busy with work to take him so Han does instead.</p><p> </p><p>For the past week, Han has camped out on the couch and Ben goes out of his way to ignore his father. If he didn’t want anything to do with Ben when he was healthy, then he couldn’t pretend to care when he was sick. </p><p> </p><p>On the way to the appointment, Ben sticks his earbuds in his ears in a show of how little he wants to hear anything his father said and when he gets out of the car, he marchedmarches himself inside and checks in for the appointment. If he were just a few months older, he could get his driver’s license and then he wouldn’t need his father for anything.</p><p> </p><p>Han is smart enough to stay in the waiting room as an old nurse leads Ben to the treatment room. Inside, there are several chairs set up and the kind of hokey instrumental music his uncle Luke listens to is playing on a boombox in the corner. There is only one other person in the room, a bald little girl (Ben only knows it's a girl because of her pink hospital gown) who has her nose buried in a book. </p><p> </p><p>Ben takes off his hoodie and sits down, waiting for a doctor to come and begin his treatment. He looks over at the little girl, noticing the tubes in her arms that run to a huge machine. “Is it your first treatment?” she asks, lowering her book.</p><p> </p><p>Ben feels embarrassed that he got caught staring but gives her a terse nod. “Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>The little girl stands, giving Ben a smile and he notices that she’s missing her front two teeth. “It’s not so bad,” she says, walking over to him, the large machine dragging behind her.</p><p> </p><p>Ben jumps up, afraid that she’s going to rip the tubes out of her arm and helps tug the machine over. She takes the seat next to his and continues, “You’ll get used to it.”</p><p> </p><p>He has a million questions he wants to ask, but he doesn’t know where to start. Besides, this is a little kid. She probably doesn’t even understand what she’s going through. Instead of replying, he stares at her head, wondering if he’ll lose his hair too.</p><p> </p><p>She seems to notice where his eyes are and she produces a beanie from nowhere and puts it on her head, clearly self-conscious about her lack of hair. “I’m Rey,” she introduces herself, looking at him with big green eyes.</p><p> </p><p>The doctor comes in and clicks his tongue when he sees Rey. “You’re not supposed to be moving around, Rey. You might pull the IV out.”</p><p> </p><p>“I want to sit by my new friend,” Rey explains sweetly, and Ben thinks that she would be batting her eyelashes if she had any.</p><p> </p><p>The doctor shakes his head and hides a smirk as he gets to work putting a needle in Ben’s arm. When he winces in pain, Rey reaches over and pats his shoulder and the irony of a five year old stranger being more comforting than his own parents is not lost on Ben.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll be back to check on you soon,” The doctor tells both of them before he leaves the room. </p><p> </p><p>“Not so bad, right?” Rey says, still patting his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks,” Ben mumbles and pulls out his iPod.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s that?” Rey asks, leaning over to look. Her face lights up as he turns it on and the screen blinks to life.</p><p> </p><p>“An iPod. It plays music,” he explains and picks up an earbud, holding it out to her. “Wanna listen?”</p><p> </p><p>She puts the earbud in and wrinkles her nose at Ben’s choice in song: Miss Murder by AFI. “This is too scary,” she says and takes it out.</p><p> </p><p>Ben smirks and changes to something else: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol and when Rey puts it back in the ears, she decides she likes this much better and leans back in her chair. She picks up her book, <em> Where the Sidewalk Ends </em> by Shel Silverstein and swings her legs to the beat of the song.</p><p> </p><p>He watches from the corner of his eye and spends the entirety of his first chemo session skipping songs he thinks she won’t like and watching her face light up when he finds ones that she does.</p><p> </p><p>When she finishes with her treatment, she hands Ben the earbud and jumps out of her chair as the nurse comes to walk her back. “This is my new friend…” she says to the nurse and then she points at Ben.</p><p> </p><p>“Ben,” he finishes, realizing he still hasn’t introduced himself.</p><p> </p><p>“Bye, Ben!” she waves.</p><p> </p><p>“Bye, Rey,” he answered, giving her a small wave.</p><p> </p><p>Ben wonders where Rey’s parents are -- it's one thing for Ben to be left alone at fifteen, but Rey is practically a baby. He would never ask, but deep down, the one thing he wants is Han and Leia beside him as he goes through this hell. </p><p> </p><p>Instead, he gets precocious Rey and her toothless smile and dimples and freckles and Ben thinks that if she can do this, he can too.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I can't promise how often I'll update this one, but sending me receipts for St. Jude donations on Twitter will definitely light a fire under me *hint hint*.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. November 2006 - Ben's POV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>
      <span>I too have known loneliness</span>
    </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>
      <span>I too have known what it is to feel</span>
    </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>
      <span>     misunderstood,</span>
    </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>
      <span>     rejected, and suddenly</span>
    </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>
      <span>not at all beautiful.</span>
    </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>
      <span>- Loneliness by Mary Oliver</span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <span>November 2006</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the days following Ben’s first round of chemotherapy, what he notices above everything else is how tired he feels. When Han brings him home from the first session, he goes right to his room and sleeps through until the next afternoon and he is surprised that his mom hadn’t woken him up for school.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He logs onto MSN in the evening but no one messages him to ask why he missed school. Instead, he IMs Ryan, who agrees to come pick him up. Ben pauses near the door, wondering if he should tell his mom where he’s going but he hears her and Han laughing about something in the kitchen and decides that he won’t be missed anyway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Ryan pulls up, Ben hops into his car and turns the radio up because he’s not really in the mood to talk anyway. When they get to the park, Ryan takes out a joint and lights it up before passing it over to Ben. “You get suspended again?” Ryan asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben shakes his head. He hasn’t told anyone at school about the cancer and doesn’t plan to. Part of him hopes he just never wakes up one day and that everyone he knows cries over him, but he knows that’s childish and unrealistic. He doesn’t have any real friends and while the naive part of his brain wishes that someone gave two fucks about him, the mature part knows that if he dies, life will go on for everyone else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe his parents will be able to stop fighting, maybe they would get back together if he weren’t around to remind them of their failures. Maybe Ryan would stop smoking pot or Ashley would grow the courage to tell Dane Myers she likes him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t feel well,” is all Ben says before taking a drag and handing the joint back to Ryan. Before long, Ben is in much better spirits and finds himself giggling along with a story that Ryan is telling about Kyle Martens getting pantsed in gym class.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Ryan drives him home, Leia marches out of the house and shouts at him, “Benjamin Solo! Where were you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ryan laughs and drives off, leaving Ben to face his mother’s wrath. Ben just shrugs, “I went out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“To smoke weed?” Leia shoots back as he comes closer, wrinkling her nose in disgust.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not a big deal,” he says as he tries to move around her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> a big deal,” Leia says, taking his arm. “Benjamin, you look at me when I’m talking to you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben shrugs out of her grasp and stomps into the house, slamming the door shut in his mother’s face. She doesn’t get to make him feel bad, he decides. He’s tired of feeling like a bad son, a bad friend, a bad </span>
  <em>
    <span>person</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” Han asks, coming from the kitchen with a mouth full of ham sandwich.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leia slams the door shut behind her and points a finger at Ben. “Your son was out smoking pot with that loser friend of his again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Plenty of people with cancer smoke weed,” Ben points out, crossing his arms over his chest and daring his father to say something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Arguing is all his mother seems to be good for and she interjects with, “You don’t know if that will interact with your chemo, Ben.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s why it's prescribed for cancer patients,” Ben rolls his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He has a point, Leia,” Han argues and both Ben and Leia glare at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t defend him,” Leia says at the same time Ben says, “Don’t defend me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han holds his hands up in defense and takes another bite of ham sandwich as Leia rounds on Ben, “You are </span>
  <em>
    <span>fifteen</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I’m not letting my fifteen year old son get high off his ass every day just because…” she trails off and looks at the floor, falling silent.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because what? Because I have cancer?” Ben asks, grinding his teeth. “Funny how you care when it's convenient for you to and yet you couldn’t be bothered to take me to my first chemo session.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I had a deposition,” Leia shoots back. “I’ve been working on this case for months and couldn’t just drop everything at the last minute.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben can’t believe what he’s hearing, but it's not as if he didn’t already know that he would always come second to his mother’s work. “Right, I’m too young to smoke weed but old enough to be sent off to cancer treatment by myself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your father was there,” Leia points out, but he can see the guilt written all over her face. They both know she’s a shitty mother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Han is </span>
  <em>
    <span>useless</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Ben spits and stomps up the stairs to his room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There isn’t any point in arguing with his mother and as soon as he’s out of sight he hears her crying to his father. “Doesn’t he understand how hard this is for me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben wants to scream, but instead he paces his room with fists clenched so hard that his nails cut into his palms. What right does Leia have to make his cancer all about herself? He wonders and it feels like someone has reached into his chest and squeezed all the air out of his lungs. Why doesn’t anyone ever care about </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nearly ten days after his first round of chemo, Ben’s hair begins to fall out. He notices a few hairs on his pillow when he wakes up and then when he finds that the water isn’t draining from the shower, he notices that it is clogged with his own hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he looks in the mirror, he doesn’t see anything different -- his hair is thick and dark and wavy like it has always been so he shrugs it off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, twelve days in and only two more to go before his next round, Ben is making out with Ashley Collins behind the fieldhouse during lunch break. He’s got his hands up the back of her shirt, trying desperately to undo the hooks on her bra and her hands are buried in his hair as she does that thing with her tongue that makes his eyes roll back in his head. He’s aware that she’s using him for practice, but he’s fifteen and horny and he doesn’t care.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not until she breaks the kiss and says loudly, “What the fuck?” She pushes Ben away and looks down at her hands that are full of clumps of his hair. “Oh my god, what the fuck?” she screams.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When a teacher comes to investigate the noise, she’s trying hysterically to shake the hair from her hands. Ben doesn’t know what to say and as they’re herded to the principal’s office, he is so ashamed he can’t even look at Ashley.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han picks him up from school and brings him home but Ben hasn’t spoken a word to either of his parents since the night he came home smelling like weed. As soon as he gets home, he’s hopping out of his dad’s truck and silently climbing the stairs to his room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shuts himself in his en suite bathroom and takes out the trimmer his mom used to shave their old dog Chewie during the summer months.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben had forgotten all about little Rey by his next chemotherapy session but as soon as he walks into the room, she shoots him a smile that is both toothy and toothless, “Ben!!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gives a half-hearted wave and sits down in the chair next to hers, pulling out his iPod and offering her one of the earbuds. He’s not in the mood to talk -- everyone at school knows about his cancer now and when he walks through the halls he can feel their eyes and hear their whispers. Everyone pities him but no one talks to him. Ryan avoids him like the plague and he avoids Ashley who must be so traumatized by what happened that she is absent from school the next day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It isn’t until he overhears Leia arguing with Ashley’s mom on the phone about how it’s impossible to catch cancer from kissing that he truly understands how screwed his social life is. (Though it was amusing for Ben to eavesdrop on Leia threatening to sue the Collins family for everything they are worth in “the defamation lawsuit of the century”.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He is so lost in the music and in his own misery that he doesn’t notice that Rey is speaking to him until she yanks his earbud out. “Huh? What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, she’s pulling off his cap, “Ben, your hair!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He takes that hat from her hands and shrugs, “It was starting to fall out so I shaved it off.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey is silent for a few moments, eyeing him warily before she finally declares, “I like your ears!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I… what?” he asks, looking at her in confusion, his eyebrows drawn together. She is the first person to speak to him normally, hell -- she is the first person to speak to him at all in the past two days and his heart clenches at the realization.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your ears,” Rey says, reaching up to tug one, “They’re big!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben jerks away and pouts angrily, “I know they’re big.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey senses that she’s made him angry and she takes off her hat, offering it to him. “You can have my hat. It’ll hide them better if you’re embarrassed.” When he refuses to take it, she tugs it on his head and then takes his baseball cap and puts it on her own head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never said I was embarrassed,” he grumbles but his blush betrays his true feelings. He knows his ears are huge and he regretted shaving his head the minute he’d done it. At fifteen, it was devastating to learn that your only attractive feature was your hair. It was especially devastating when you were a fifteen year old with cancer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why’s your face red?” Rey asks, cocking her head to the side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luckily for Ben, he is spared from explaining as the doctor enters the room and hooks him up to the IV for another round of intravenous chemo. Rey watches, patting Ben’s hand at odd intervals and he is again struck by how strange it is to be comforted by someone who is practically a baby.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the doctor leaves, he pats Rey’s head and hands her a lollipop and as soon as he is gone from the room, he asks Rey, “Where are your parents, anyway?” He watches as she struggles to unwrap the lollipop and snatches it from her hand, unwrapping it and holding it out to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey takes it back and sucks on it happily, her legs swinging as she answers, “I don’t have any.” Her upbeat voice seems so out of place with such a sad fact.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where do you live?” Ben asks, in shock.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right now I live here because I’m sick. But sometimes I have a foster family,” she answers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you’re here alone?” Ben asks and his stomach twists in disgust at the thought of Rey going through all of this alone. As sad as his situation was with selfish, apathetic parents, at least he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>parents. Beside that, in a few years he’d be old enough to be on his own, but Rey was still so young. Too young to be doing all of this alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yep,” she answers and it sounds wet as she sucks on her lollipop.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t know what to say but he thinks it puts his own situation into perspective. He doesn’t want to make Rey sad by saying what he really thinks, so he asks, “What kind of music do you like? I can put some on my iPod for next time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey shrugs, “I don’t really listen to music. I like poetry though.” He remembers her Shel Silverstein book from last time and this time she holds up a tattered old library copy of a Jack Prelutsky collection.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben thinks it's cute the way she holds her head high as though she thinks poetry is anything except song lyrics with no music. “Why don’t you read me a poem, then?” Ben asks as he turns off his iPod.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey nods and stumbles her way through a poem called The Visitor which makes Ben laugh and he is still laughing when the nurse comes to remove Rey’s IV. “Are you ready to go, Rey?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey shakes her head, “I’m reading to Ben.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe Ben wants to rest,” the nurse suggests, giving Ben a sympathetic look as though she is used to Rey’s energy and forward nature.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She can stay,” Ben says and Rey grins at the nurse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“See?” she says and settles in next to Ben, picking another poem and telling him, “You’re really going to like this one.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey manages to finish almost the entire tome before she begins to nod off and Ben understands how tiring the medicine can be so he just lets her doze off on his shoulder until an orderly comes and carries her back to her room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The old nurse joins him a few minutes later to bring him his baseball cap and Ben learns that her name is Maz. “She can keep it,” Ben tells her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She would like that, I’m sure. She’s taken a liking to you. All day she kept asking if you’d be back today,” Maz laughs as she takes a chair next to Ben.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben blushes. “Really? I have a feeling she takes a liking to everyone she meets.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, I don’t think that’s true,” Maz says and pulls a ball of yarn out of her pocket. Ben watches as she loops the yarn in a crochet hook and begins to make a row of stitches. “She’s had a difficult life. It’s hard being sick and in the foster system. Nobody wants to take care of a dying kid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben swallows and he feels irrationally angry at the idea of anyone not wanting Rey just because she’s ill. He understands the emotional burden of it, but he can’t justify the cruelty. When Maz’ words sink in, he asks, “Is she dying?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maz sighs, “Leukemia. Very aggressive. She’s got a nasty infection right now and that’s why she’s been taken to her room.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s heart sinks and he thinks of Rey all alone in the hospital. His eyes sting and he has to blink away embarrassing tears. He barely knows Rey but he knows that he doesn’t want her to die. Plenty of people deserve it, maybe even him, but not Rey. “Can she have visitors?” he asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maz smiles at him and reaches over to pat his hand. “She would love to have visitors.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you making?” Ben asks, changing the subject before he </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> cry. He nods at the line of stitches that she’s working on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A scarf maybe?” she muses. “I’m not sure yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It gives Ben an idea. “Can you teach me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The second round of chemo makes Ben so nauseated that he doesn’t go to school for the rest of the week. He’s okay with that -- it allows him to avoid scrutiny at school and to finish up his crochet project. Maz had taught him how to get started and a quick youtube search provided a video that helped him finish.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On the third day, around lunchtime, he finds Han down in the kitchen and speaks to him for the first time in days, “Can you drive me to the hospital?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong? Are you sick?” Han asks as he visibly pales. He sets down the beer he’s been drinking and Ben wonders for the first time why his dad is here drinking beer and not working. He knows the answer must be that his father lost yet another job, but Ben doesn’t care enough to actually ask.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I want to visit someone,” Ben says, grabbing his dad’s keys and tossing them to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han knows better than to argue, or perhaps he’s just afraid of getting on Ben’s bad side, but either way, he follows his son out to his truck and dutifully drives him to the hospital. “Can I have ten dollars?” Ben asks, stretching his hand out once Han pulls up in front of the hospital.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han pulls out his wallet and gives Ben a wad of one dollar bills. “Do you want me to wait here or…?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come back in an hour,” Ben says and climbs out of the truck. Inside the hospital, he stops at the gift shop for some tissue paper and a small gift bag and shoves his present inside. He knows the way to the oncology ward by now and finds Maz at the reception desk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Benjamin. Are you here to see Rey?” she asks with a knowing smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben blushes and nods, holding up the gift. “I just came to give her something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maz smiles knowingly and leads Ben to a sad little room that Rey is sharing with someone who snores loudly behind a closed curtain. Rey is laying in bed, reading when she notices Ben and her whole face lights up as she exclaims, “Ben!” which in turn sends her into a coughing fit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey looks different here in bed, Ben thinks, and he notices the bruises all over her arms and the tube in her nose. He feels bad about her coughing fit and even worse as Maz races around the bed and tries to get her to swallow some water. Suddenly he doesn’t want to be there anymore. Seeing her like this makes him sad, makes him realize how close to death she actually is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s that?” Rey says, her voice hoarse from all of the coughing and he follows her eyes to the bag in his hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben blushes and tries to hide the bag. He feels stupid for ever coming here and thinking that a crumby little gift would do anything to cheer her up. “Nothing,” Ben says, putting it behind his back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben came to give you a gift,” Maz says, and she nudges Ben closer to the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For me?” Rey asks quietly and she holds her hands out. “No one ever brings me gifts,” she says and her voice is filled with such wonder that it makes Ben feel even worse about his meager offering. He hands her the bag anyway and stands with his hands awkwardly at his sides as she rips out the tissue paper. She looks in the bag and her face lights up the entire room as she pulls out the crocheted hat Ben had made her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He watches as she pulls it on and she beams at him with tears in her eyes. “I LOVE IT, BEN!” She says so loudly it startles the sleeping person in the next bed awake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both snicker as Maz leaves to check on the other patient, and Ben sits on the edge of her bed, “Do you really like it? I know it’s not much, but…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I really love it, Ben,” Rey says and she takes it off to admire it. She plays with the pom pom on top as a single tear streaks down her cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“D-don’t cry,” Ben says, standing up in a panic. “I can buy you a better one. I will,” he promises and tries to snatch the crappy homemade one from her hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tugs it out of reach and wipes the tear away with her elbow, “Don’t you dare.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please stop crying then,” Ben begs miserably and Rey laughs at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stupid, I’m crying because I’m happy.” She shakes her head and puts the hat back on. “It’s the best present I ever got.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben feels his own eyes tearing up and he has to look away so she doesn’t see. How sad must Rey’s life be that an ugly hat from a stranger was the best gift she’d ever received? He doesn’t think that life could possibly be more unfair for someone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben got computers and iPods and new clothes from his parents for holidays and birthdays and sometimes just because they felt guilty for never being around enough. He isn’t naive enough to think he wasn’t spoiled and he knew that having </span>
  <em>
    <span>things </span>
  </em>
  <span>couldn’t replace feeling loved. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he also understands that Rey didn’t have either of those things -- gifts or love. He knows loneliness better than anyone, he thinks and he could understand how desperately lonely Rey must feel alone here.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he turns back to her, she is already fast asleep, a small smile on her face and Ben pats her hand gently, tucking the blanket in over her shoulders so she would stay warm. He couldn’t shower her in gifts or give her a family, but he could do his best to make sure that she wasn’t lonely. Rey deserves that much at least, he thinks as he gives her cheek a quick kiss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he returns outside, he climbs into Han’s truck and if his dad notices how red his eyes are or that his face is blotchy with tears, he says nothing. But they do stop at McDonald’s for McFlurries like they did when Ben was little and Han still lived at home.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You know a fic is going to be angsty when it makes you tear up two chapters in and you're the one writing it XD</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. December 2006 - Ben's POV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>We shake with joy, we shake with grief.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>What a time they have, these two</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>housed as they are in the same body.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>   -We Shake With Joy by Mary Oliver</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben leans back in the chair at his desk in his bedroom, absentmindedly bringing a hand to his scalp and rubbing the bare skin there -- what once felt prickly and stubbly now feels smooth in certain places. If he hadn’t shaved his head, he would be bald in patches, and as he thinks about that, his hands trail lower to brush against where his eyebrows used to be. With no hair on his head, he looks like a freak.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nearly a week has passed since his second chemotherapy session and even longer than that since he’d last set foot in school. He does his school work from home now, not just because his illness has made him too tired to go to classes, but because he is avoiding his classmates (and fortunately Leia pities him enough to enable him in this). </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyday he logs onto MSN and every day, he gets no messages from his classmates. He knows that everyone knows about his cancer and it stings that no one cares enough to ask him how he is doing. He must be the only fifteen year old on Earth who has not one real friend. From the corner of his eye, he looks at his computer -- still no messages -- and then slams his book shut with a low groan.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben is bored out of his mind. He’s been staring at his chemistry book for so long that his eyes have gone cross and the words look as though they are written in a foreign language. There’s nothing good on tv during the day and even if he wanted to watch something, Han has taken up residence on the couch and monopolized the only television set in the house. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> be like any other boy his age and go jerk off in the shower, but he’s too tired and depressed to even find interest in the prospect.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sits for another few minutes and then makes up his mind, grabbing a beanie and shoving it onto his head before leaving his room. “Drive me to the hospital,” he commands Han, who appears to be half-asleep on the couch, the fingers of one hand shoved down the front of his pants in quintessential white-trash-dad style as he watches Maury Povich.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han jerks in surprise when he hears his son and sits up, looking at Ben with eyes that are unfocused and heavy, “Again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Ben answers as he slips on his shoes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you feeling sick?” Han asks as he stands and shuffles towards the kitchen counter for his keys.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” Ben doesn’t supply him with any further information. He hasn’t told his parents about Rey -- he knows that no one will understand the strange bond he has developed with a five year old cancer patient. Han will tell him that it’s strange to befriend a child and Leia will worry about the psychological effects that it will have on him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t care. Rey is his only friend, really. She is the only person who has ever been happy to see him and it is her smile that he thinks of as he trudges out to the car simply because he thinks it's the only genuine smile he’s seen in his entire life. He’s selfish in his desire to see her; he knows this in the back of his mind, because Rey’s affection towards him is like a medicine of its own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She is the only person who understands him and it’s also occurred to him how sad that is -- that someone barely out of diapers is his only real companion in this mess. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And yet, he is so afraid of losing her, as little as he knows her, but that fear keeps him from fearing his own death and so he clings to it desperately because he doesn’t know how else to deal with this ugly thing that has been thrust upon him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han clears his throat as he turns onto the highway and says, rather awkwardly, “You know… you’re going to have to let me know what you’re doing there every day…” His dad must know that he has no right to ask him to divulge his secret friendship -- he is such a fleeting presence in Ben’s life that his statement is a joke. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t,” Ben disagrees, rolling down the window in hopes that the wind whipping around in the car would deter Han from continuing the conversation. He doesn’t have to tell his dad anything, repeating it in his head so that he doesn’t feel bad. If Han is free to come and go as he pleases with no questions or repercussions, then Ben would do the same.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han doesn’t push the subject and Ben is grateful for that as he hears the steady tick of the turn signal when Han exits the freeway. He sees the hospital coming into view and Ben unbuckles his seat belt, prepared to jump out in a hasty escape. Han pulls to a stop at the curb and when Ben flings open the door, he hears a voice call, “Ben!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He searches for the voice and finds Rey in a wheelchair being pushed along the sidewalk by Maz. Behind him, he feels Han shift, leaning out the window of his pickup as he tries to get a better view of what is going on. Maz rolls Rey to the edge of the sidewalk and Ben asks, “Where are you going?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maz is taking me for a walk,” Rey grins and when she smiles, Ben notices that she’s lost another tooth, this time on the bottom. “Or a ride, I guess,” she says as she pats the armrest of her wheelchair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The nasogastric tube that has been in her nose the past few days is gone and it looks like some color has returned to her face. “Are you feeling better?” Ben asks, as if he needs verbal confirmation that she’s doing well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yep!” Rey says cheerfully. “Maz says it’s because you’re my good luck charm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben blushes, mostly because the old nurse has an amused twinkle in her eyes, but also because Han clears his throat and Ben remembers that his father has not yet driven off. “Who’s this?” Han asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m Rey!” she says cheerfully and despite the fact that Maz is still gripping the handles of the wheelchair, Rey takes the hand rims and wheels herself closer to Han’s truck. “Are you Ben’s dad?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han leans across the passenger seat so he can speak to Rey better and nods his head, “Yeah. Are you Ben’s friend?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey nods again and says as though it isn’t at all embarrassing for her to admit, “Ben is my best friend! He made me this hat.” She pats the top of her head ruffling the little pom pom at the top. It was clear this is a habit she had picked up, Ben noted, because the pieces of yarn were fraying and pilling from the friction.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span>, huh?” Han asks and Ben doesn’t even have to turn around to know his dad is grinning -- he can hear it loud and clear in the older man’s voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yep!” Rey replies and looks to Ben for confirmation. “Right, Ben?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face is so red that he can’t even look her in the eyes and he shoves his hands in his pockets as he answers, “Guess so.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, then you must know how much Ben likes McFlurries,” Han teases. “Do you like McFlurries, Rey?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey shrugs her shoulders, “I don’t know. I’ve never had one.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you like to try one?” Han offers and he leans out the window to talk to Maz. “Is that okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes! Can I Maz? Please?!” Rey bounces in her wheelchair, twisting her head back to look at the old nurse, who laughs at her excitement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t really disappoint you now, can I?” Maz sighs. “I’ll just need to go get a waver for you to sign.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maz disappears back into the hospital while Ben watches Rey vibrate with excitement -- her smile is as big as he has ever seen it and she wheels herself closer to Han’s truck. “Help me in, Ben,” Rey says and raises herself on weak legs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben surges forward and grabs Rey’s arm, helping her extricate herself from the wheelchair and into Han’s truck -- with one hand around her forearm and the other wrapped securely around her back, he shows her how to climb onto the running board and into the cab. Once inside, she scoots close to Han like he’s not a complete stranger and takes the middle seat,  letting Ben help her buckle in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Afterwards, Ben is silent as he climbs in and shuts the door. It is clear that he is displeased with Han’s intervention but unwilling to disappoint Rey by telling his dad to fuck off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maz returns with a form that Han quickly fills out and as she copies down the information from his driver’s license, Rey leans towards Ben and whispers, “What’s a McFlurry?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben snorts, amused by her question and cryptically answers, “Wait and see.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once everyone is securely inside the car, Han honks his horn to Maz who is still standing on the sidewalk waving her arms as the truck pulls away. Rey is bouncing in her seat and stretching her neck to look around as they drive away from the hospital. “How old are you Rey?” Han asks, glancing at her from the corner of his eye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Five,” she says and looks at Han, “How old are </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How old do you think I am?” Han asks and Rey shrugs before answering, “Sixty?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben snickers and Han sputters and reaches up to run a hand through his graying hair, “I look sixty?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, maybe seventy?” Rey corrects herself with a bashful grin and the answer has Ben doubling over with laughter and Han grumbling to himself. Rey, in her innocence, doesn’t realize that she has offended Han even more and when they pull into the McDonald’s drive-thru, her entire face lights up. “Are we getting happy meals?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want a happy meal?” Han asks, looking down at the little girl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I?” She gives Han the best doe eyes and Ben thinks that if he’s inherited anything at all from his dad, it is his weakness for Rey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure, kid,” Han agrees easily and when he pulls up to the speaker he orders three Oreo McFlurries and a happy meal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Han passes over the happy meal, Rey holds it in her hands like it is the most precious treasure in the entire world and she says, reverently, “I’ve never had a happy meal.” The meal itself is gone almost as fast as Han can pull into a parking spot and when Rey half-heartedly offers a fry to Ben, he doesn’t have it in his heart to actually take one from her so he shakes his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Next, she plucks her toy from the box and passes it to Ben to unwrap and then holds it up to show them both. “What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s Dory. From Finding Nemo,” Ben explains. He’d seen the movie with his dad in the theater two years ago, on one of the rare occasions Han had actually picked Ben up on his assigned weekend, and the tale of a father searching for his son must have been so painfully poignant for Han that it was months before he showed his face again. When Ben looks over at his dad, his hands are gripping the steering wheel so tightly that it is clear he is recalling the same memory. “Have you seen it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey shakes her head and pretends to make the fish swim around in the car. “Maybe we can watch it together,” Rey suggests and Ben’s heart aches because he knows it will never happen -- Rey is too sick to leave the hospital and honestly, he thinks there are so many better ways for her to spend what time she has left than watching a silly movie with him. How does he tell her that though? Does she even understand how sick she is? Ben wonders and he can’t be the one to explain all of that to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So he agrees, “Sure, Rey.” The answer pleases Rey immensely and with a dimpled smile, she reaches over and makes Dory kiss Ben’s cheek with a loud smack. He blushes and hands her the McFlurry. “Try it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey digs her spoon into her treat and shovels a huge portion into her mouth and Ben and Han share a grin as she closes her eyes in ecstasy and gives a loud, “Mmmmm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you like it, kid?” Han asks as he digs into his as well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, it’s so good. Thanks, Ben’s dad!” Rey says around another mouthful of ice cream. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can call me Han,” he tells her and reaches over to pat the top of her head, to which she responds with a toothless jack o’lantern smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben thinks that Rey has super human ability because just as quickly as she’d polished off her happy meal, her cup is completely empty before he’s even half done with his and when she starts eyeing it greedily, he hands the rest of his over. </span>
  <span><br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is so good,” Rey declares. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>McFlurries!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“See?” Ben laughs, “I told you that you’d like them.” He can’t help but think that she’s really cute and Ben realizes how much he’s missed out on by not having any siblings. Was this what it felt like to feel so connected to another human being? Ben couldn’t describe it -- he’d been at odds with his parents for as long as he’d been able to walk and talk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d gotten so used to Han never being around that Ben doesn’t think he’s ever bonded with his father. And Leia, well, the resentment there is so deep on both sides that Ben has lost hope in ever mending their relationship. To Leia, he is the unwanted child who cut her career down and to Ben, she is the reason his father left. It isn’t hate, Ben knows. He doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>hate </span>
  </em>
  <span>his mother; It’s indifference and he thinks that’s almost worse than hate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey is different, though. She looks at him in a way that no one else ever has -- like he is the coolest, most interesting person she’s ever met. When they are together, she hangs on his every word, tells him jokes and stories, shares herself so sincerely and unashamedly. She is unlike anyone he’s ever met.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The feeling is mutual; Rey is the only person that listens to Ben and she’s funny and charming in a way that no five year old has a right to be. When she grows up, </span>
  <em>
    <span>if</span>
  </em>
  <span> she grows up, Ben pities any man who encounters her because the poor sap would be doomed to fall madly in love with her spirit. He isn’t her brother, doesn’t even know what it </span>
  <em>
    <span>means</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be a brother, but he thinks of Rey and her impossible-future and how he would make sure that any boy who looks at her would be worthy of her attention and affection.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He isn’t worthy of it and he knows it, but he likes Rey and she likes him and at the crux of things… they are all the other one has. She is so achingly lonely and he feels that deeply every time he looks at her -- why else would she befriend a loser like him? But he is also so detached from everyone and everything else that it feels as though they are two halves of one whole. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Rey finishes the rest of Ben’s McFlurry, she eyes Han’s and he laughs openly at her, “You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>still </span>
  </em>
  <span>hungry?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Rey answers. “I can fit a lot in my stomach.” She pats her belly which gives a loud rumble and Ben isn’t sure if it’s because she’s eaten too much or not enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“One more for the road?” Han suggests and pulls back into the drive thru. “Maz is only letting us keep you for thirty minutes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they arrive back at the hospital, Maz is waiting outside with Rey’s wheelchair and Ben helps her out of the truck. “Look, Maz! I got a McFlurry!” she says, holding the cup up for the old lady to see. “And a Dory toy!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nice,” Maz says and pats Rey’s head as Ben helps his surrogate sister into her wheelchair. “You better be careful or you’ll spoil her,” she scolds Ben lightly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugs and thinks to himself that if anyone </span>
  <em>
    <span>deserves</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be spoiled, it’s Rey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben said he’ll take me to see Finding Nemo,” Rey brags and puts the toy safely in her pocket. “When are we going to watch it, Ben?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whenever you leave the hospital,” Ben promises, though there’s a weird feeling in his chest at the thought that she might </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> leave the hospital. “But you have to promise to get better.” The words come out stiltedly and he has to push back the tears threatening to prickle at his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I will!” Rey tells him earnestly and adds, “But you have to keep visiting because you’re my good luck charm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben gives her a smile which she returns tenfold and says, “I’ll be back tomorrow, ok?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Rey agrees and waves at Ben as he turns to walk back to the truck. “Bye, Mr. Han!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han leans out the window and waves at Rey, “Bye kid!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben shuts the passenger door and buckles in. He feels Han’s eyes on him as they leave the hospital but refuses to say anything. Finally, as Han pulls onto the freeway, he says, “So that’s what you’ve been doing at the hospital everyday.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben shrugs and stares out the window. He doesn’t know why it bothers him that Han knows about Rey now. Maybe it is because she isn’t his secret anymore -- he can sense how charmed Han was with Rey and he absolutely did </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> want to share her. Or maybe it’s because talking about Rey is not a conversation he wants to have.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is she dying?” Han asks and as soon as he hears the words, he knows that the reason he is upset is because he isn’t ready to talk about it with anyone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tears are impossible to stop, he tries blinking them back, but the floodgates have already been opened so he wipes the drops from his cheeks and refuses to look at Han. “Probably.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han doesn’t say anything and Ben isn’t surprised -- his father isn’t good at talking things out. He’s good at running away and Ben has already decided that no matter how bad things get with Rey, </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> isn’t going to run. He will stick by her side until the very end, no matter how painful it gets. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finally, when the silence stretches for so long that even Han knows he’s an ass for not saying anything, he gives a graceless reply, “She’s a nice kid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Ben acknowledges.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your mom isn’t going to like this,” Han tells Ben.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s why I haven’t told her. She doesn’t need to know.” Both men know that Leia Organa is a force to be reckoned with -- a total control freak to the last breath. If she knew that Ben was spending all of his free time with a dying girl, that would be the end of it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Confronting Rey’s seemingly inevitable death would force Ben to acknowledge the possibility of his own. He spent enough time on the internet, researching lymphoma and cancer, and he’d read all the same articles that he was sure his mother had. They all said the same hokey thing: remaining positive was one of the most important things in the battle against cancer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Well, Ben thought that was a load of bullshit, because he’d never met someone as positive as Rey and it didn’t get her anywhere. If Leia wanted to surround herself with fluffy messages of optimism, she was free to, but that wasn’t for Ben and she wasn’t allowed to tell him how to cope with cancer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leia was just a bystander in all of this -- for once it wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> battle to win and Ben had to wonder if that fact drove her insane.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Agreed,” Han interrupted his thoughts and Ben turned to him with a shocked expression. “What? Don’t look at me like that. Rey’s a nice kid. And that form I filled out said she’s a ward of the state. No parents?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben shakes his head. “She doesn’t have anyone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m proud of you, son.” The words were said after a brief pause and just the way they tumbled from Han’s mouth was so insincere that it didn’t sit with Ben right. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t,” he warned his dad, his tone turning icy. Han didn’t have the right to be proud of anything Ben did when he’d had no part in raising him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han nods and swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing nervously in his throat as Ben continues to glare. “Right. Anyway, I won’t tell your mom.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Ben concedes and folds his arms over his chest, turning his attention out the window once more. There’s a lot that he knows he will never forgive Han for, especially when it seems that his father doesn’t even realize how deeply he’s hurt his family. But he can be thankful at least that Han will keep Rey a secret from the powerhouse that is Leia. And that’s a start.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know the content of this story is a bit depressing and for some of us, this has been a depressing enough week, so please take care of yourselves! And if you ever need to talk, feel free to DM me on Twitter (about anything and at any time).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. December 2006 - Ben's POV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Oh sweetness pure and simple, may I join you?</p>
  <p>       -The Roses by Mary Oliver</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Life falls into somewhat of a routine for Ben Solo.</p><p> </p><p> After his next round of chemo, he returns to school with little fanfare -- his teachers cast sympathetic looks his way, clicking their tongues under their breath, while his classmates either avoid him like he’s already dead or whisper about him like he hasn’t got any ears. </p><p> </p><p>He’s got thick skin though and no matter how bad of a day he has, when he gets to see Rey, he somehow feels better. So every afternoon, instead of taking the school bus home, he walks the extra three blocks to the 7-11 on the corner and takes the city bus to the hospital to visit Rey. </p><p> </p><p>When he gets there today, Maz warns him that Rey is wearing a mask for her oxygen therapy and to not let her remove it at any cost. He knows that she’s battling a nasty upper respiratory infection after her last round of chemotherapy, but he also knows that keeping Rey from talking will be nearly impossible. </p><p> </p><p>When he walks into the room, Rey’s face lights up and she scrambles to sit up in bed. She reaches for the remote to turn off the television show she’d been watching, some silly cartoon, but Ben shakes his head and pulls the chair in the corner over to her bed. “Let’s watch it.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey’s face falls until Ben reaches for her hand and gives it a squeeze. He can’t imagine what it’s like for Rey, being in the hospital all by herself. He’s almost positive that he’s the only person who visits and he hates to think about how she feels at night with no one to take care of her. He’s a moody fifteen year old, sure, but he doesn’t mind holding little Rey’s hand if it’s the only thing in the universe that makes her happy.</p><p> </p><p>When a commercial break comes, Rey reaches up to pull her mask off. “Better not,” he warns her. “If your infection turns into pneumonia, they’re not going to let me come see you.” He knows that it's worse than that -- a leukemia patient in the hospital with pneumonia is practically a death sentence. He doesn’t tell her that though, and hopes the nurses have the same common sense.</p><p> </p><p>He spends a lot of time reading about Leukemia now. It scares him to know exactly what it means when Rey gets an infection or when they put her back on feeding tubes. He’s learned enough to know that she’s already had several close calls since he’s met her. Knowing is terrifying, but it’s something to focus on and he feels better knowing that the doctors are doing everything they’re supposed to be doing to keep her alive.</p><p> </p><p>“My school is doing Driver’s Ed classes over winter break,” he tells her to distract her from pouting. “And then I’ll be 16 in May and I can get my driver’s license.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey mumbles something under the mask and even though he can’t really understand her, he knows that she’s asking if he’ll take her to get McFlurries. She won’t shut up about McFlurries.</p><p> </p><p>He nods at her as the show comes back on and she turns her attention back to the screen as she squeezes his hand. He laughs at her as her feet wiggle around under the covers in excitement -- she can never quite stay still when she’s excited about something.</p><p> </p><p>More and more lately, Ben finds himself thinking about what she was like before the cancer. He imagines her as a wild little thing -- running around breaking things, getting dirty, screaming like a banshee. He bets she was cute and wonders what kind of parents wouldn’t want a daughter like her. </p><p> </p><p>Sometimes he even imagines that she’s <em> his </em> little sister.</p><p> </p><p>He turns his attention back to the television, watching the episode of Rugrats that Rey put on. He hasn’t watched this show since he was a kid and he definitely won’t admit, as he puts his feet up on her bed, that he <em> likes </em> watching it with her. In this episode, the babies are at a carnival of some kind, and Ben can’t resist making stupid comments to entertain her.</p><p> </p><p>When the episode ends, she turns to him with puppy dog eyes, and he knows she wants to take off the face mask. She’s dying to tell him something so he opens his backpack and pulls out a notebook and pen. He’s still mildly amazed at how good she is at writing for a five year old, but given how she’s always got her nose shoved in a book, it’s unsurprising.</p><p> </p><p>When she hands the notebook back, it says (in wobbly writing): ‘Can we go to the carnival?’</p><p> </p><p>“You’re too little for the carnival,” he tells her and laughs when she crosses her arms over her chest. She turns her face away, pouting childishly, and Ben can’t help but give in. “I’ll take you in the summer.”</p><p> </p><p>Her face lights up too quickly, as if she knew this is how the conversation would end and the pout had all been for show. He shouldn’t indulge her like this, but he can’t help it when she has literally no one else to dote on her. He rolls his eyes anyway as he checks the time. “I should get going. My dad is probably waiting.”</p><p> </p><p>That’s another part of his routine -- Han picking him up from the hospital at 4:30 every day so that they can make it home before Leia gets home. If she catches on to his daily trips to the hospital, she’ll put an end to it. Han’s shared belief in that fact only solidified Ben’s fear that the only good part of his day would be taken away.</p><p> </p><p>Rey frowns but lifts her hand to wave goodbye as Ben stands up. He pulls a pack of M&amp;Ms out of his pocket and puts them on her hospital tray. “These are for later, Rey,” he warns. “When you’re allowed to take the mask off to eat.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey rolls her eyes as her hand inches towards the pack and Ben wants to laugh at her audacity. She’s so stubborn that it’s the only thing that gives him hope that she’ll survive all of this.</p><p> </p><p>“I mean it, Rey. I’m going to tell Maz I left them here for you and she’ll check. Do you want to deal with Maz when she’s angry?” Ben asked, hefting the backpack on his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>Rey’s face pales and she shakes her head, deciding to leave the M&amp;Ms alone.</p><p> </p><p>This time, Ben does laugh and he tells her, “I have chemo tomorrow but I’ll try to come and say hi.”</p><p> </p><p>When he gets out to the parking lot, he finds Han’s truck easily enough and climbs in. “How’s the kid today?”</p><p> </p><p>“They had her on oxygen today,” Ben says. “But she’s still as feisty as ever.”</p><p> </p><p>Han laughs in a way that makes it clear he’s just as smitten with little Rey as Ben. “Maybe I’ll stop in and see her while you’re doing your thing tomorrow.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben knows that his dad is uncomfortable with the medical stuff -- he seems even more affected by it than his mother. When he’d lost his eyebrows, Han had nearly choked on his coffee at breakfast. And last week, he’d nearly had a heart attack when Ben came out of the shower without a shirt on and Han had seen for the first time just how much weight his son had lost. </p><p> </p><p>It was easier for Han to refer to treatment as “Ben’s thing” and strangely enough, Ben let him cope with the illness however he wanted to because at least he didn’t want pity the way Leia did. There had been a time when he wanted Han to suffer emotionally for abandoning their family -- when he first learned about his cancer, part of Ben had hoped that he <em> would </em>die just so that Han would regret all the time he lost.</p><p> </p><p>Now, almost two months into treatment, he thought maybe Han already did. He was just too stupid to figure out how to fix it. Ben hasn’t forgiven Han, but he also isn’t willing to lose his one ally against the force that is Leia Organa.</p><p> </p><p>Speaking of this tentative alliance, Ben turns to his dad, “So the school is having driver’s ed classes during winter break…”</p><p> </p><p>“You have to talk to your mom,” Han interrupts, as if he senses he was about to get thrown into the middle of things.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s going to say no,” Ben points out.</p><p> </p><p>“Then there’s your answer,” Han says gruffly as they near their neighborhood.</p><p> </p><p>“How is that fair?” Ben asks and he can’t help the way his voice raises. “Do you think I should just have to give up every normal thing because I have cancer?”</p><p> </p><p>“It doesn’t matter what I think,” Han tells him, and Ben knows then that Han agrees with him.’’</p><p> </p><p>“You’re my dad,” Ben practically yells. “You get just as much say in this as mom does.”</p><p> </p><p>Han’s grip on the steering wheel tightens, but he doesn’t say anything in return. When he pulls into the driveway, Ben throws the passenger door open and growls at Han, “You’re a fucking coward.”</p><p> </p><p>Han stays in the truck as Ben storms inside and upstairs to his room, but when he hears his parents arguing later that night, he can already guess what they’re fighting about.</p><p> </p><p>He creeps to the door and strains his ears to listen anyway.</p><p> </p><p>“For Christ sake, Leia,” he hears Han’s exasperated voice. “Just let him be a normal kid.”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s <em> not </em> a normal kid,” Leia spits back. “He’s my child and you lost your rights to an opinion when you left.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not fair, damnit,” Han shoots back and Ben doesn’t even have to eavesdrop at this point, they’re being so loud. “You <em> asked </em> me to be here for this.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, now I’m telling you to <em> leave, </em>” Leia practically screams. “You don’t just get to come in here and throw your weight around like some big macho idiot!”</p><p> </p><p>It’s suddenly silent and Ben opens the door, creeping down the hallway so he can eavesdrop from the top of the stairs. His heart is beating fast and his stomach clenches at the thought that Han has already left. </p><p> </p><p>But then he hears his father’s voice, low and almost violently angry, “This time, I’ll only leave if <em> Ben </em> asks me to.”</p><p> </p><p>When he hears his mother’s footsteps stomp towards the staircase, Ben retreats back to his room as his brain tries to catch up to what he’s heard. All these years, he’d thought his dad had abandoned him, but was the truth that he’d been kicked out?</p><p> </p><p>Had Leia been the one to keep them from seeing each other, all this time?</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>The next day, Han picks Ben up from school at lunch time for his chemo session, and they meet in the office, where his dad is handing over the permission slip for driver’s ed classes. Ben can’t help but grin, though he refuses to thank Han for standing up for him. That’s what a parent is supposed to do, after all.</p><p> </p><p>When they get to the truck, Han hands over the spare key. “You can practice using my truck after you’re done with classes. Don’t lose the key.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben can’t keep the grin off of his face, “I won’t.”</p><p> </p><p>“And do <em> not </em> tell your mother I’ve signed you up for this,” Han says with a sigh. “I’d like to live long enough to see you get your license.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben doesn’t say anything, but he does grin at his dad. Despite the temptation to ask about what he’d heard the night before, he decides not to go there. He isn’t ready for a heart to heart. Maybe on his deathbed, Ben decides grimly.</p><p> </p><p>When they arrive at the hospital, Han walks in and takes the detour to Rey’s room while the nurse leads Ben in for his treatment. He pulls out his iPod as the doctor comes in to administer the chemo and he wishes that Rey were here to keep him company. It’s his first session without her cheering him up and when it’s all over, she’s the only person he wants to see.</p><p> </p><p>Han is teaching Rey to play War with a deck of cars when Ben gets there, and he knows this was Han’s effort to keep her from removing her mask. He sits down in the empty chair as Rey squeals with excitement and takes more of Han’s cards as her own.</p><p> </p><p>When the game is over, Han hands over a packet of M&amp;Ms and Rey proudly shows her prize to Ben. “Look,” her muffled voice filters threw the mask. “I won!”</p><p> </p><p>“I let you win,” Han grumbles as he collects the cards and shoves them in the box.</p><p><br/>
Rey opens the pack of candies and Ben has to pull them away, “You have to keep your mask on.” She pouts as he places the bag out of her reach and tells her, “You can have them for dessert.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ready to go?” Han asks as he stands up.</p><p> </p><p>Ben nods and waves to Rey, “I’ll try to come see you tomorrow, ok? Get some rest. I miss your voice so you better be well enough to take the mask off!”</p><p> </p><p>She shoots him a thumbs up and he pats her head before leaving.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Ben doesn’t visit Rey the next day. He feels sick when he wakes up and when Leia takes his temperature, she decides that he has to stay home from school. He tries to get Han to visit Rey on his behalf because he hates the thought that she’s up there waiting for him, but his dad refuses.</p><p> </p><p>They both know that Leia would kill him for leaving Ben home alone.</p><p> </p><p>He sleeps on and off all day, refusing the sandwich that Han brings because it makes his stomach churn. When Leia comes home, she brings him his favorite pizza and lets him eat it in bed but not even that stimulates his appetite -- he eats half a slice before giving up and setting the plate aside.</p><p> </p><p>When Leia comes in to check on him, he tries to shoo her away but she has a fit when she takes his temperature again. “Ben, you’re burning up.”</p><p> </p><p>“I need sleep,” he says, burying his head under a pillow.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re going to the hospital,” she announces, pulling the blankets up.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s eight o’clock at night,” he complains, trying to pull the blankets back over himself.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re going. Now.” She leaves no room for argument as she pokes her head into the hallway, “Han, help me get Ben to the car.”</p><p> </p><p>When Ben stands up, he’s hit with a wave of dizziness so strong that he falls back into bed with a groan. “What’s wrong?” Han asks as he pokes his head into the room.</p><p> </p><p>“Ben’s got a fever. I want to take him in,” Leia explains and Han wastes no time helping Ben stand and walking him carefully down the stairs.</p><p> </p><p>“This is stupid,” Ben complains in typical teenager fashion as Han loads him into the backseat of Leia’s BMW. He falls asleep again on the way to the hospital and wakes up when Han unbuckles his seat. “I can walk,” he says groggily, too embarrassed to let his dad carry him, so he shuffles his way in despite feeling like he could collapse at any second.</p><p> </p><p>“Ben!” Maz calls and when he turns, he sees the little nurse in her street clothes, leaving for the day. “Are you alright?”</p><p> </p><p>“He has a fever,” Han explains as he urges Ben to sit.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh dear,” Maz sighs and heads to the desk. She has a short conversation with the nurse there and returns. “Nurse Roberts will take care of you,” she assures Ben and hands admissions paperwork to Leia. “I’m sure it’s just a little infection, dear. He’s in good hands.”</p><p> </p><p>Maz dismisses herself and when Leia fills out the paperwork, Ben notices that her hands are shaking so hard she can barely write. Han pulls the clipboard away and finishes it as Ben nods off.</p><p> </p><p>He wakes up to a doctor loading him into a wheelchair and Ben recognizes him as the same one who does his chemotherapy. He’s fairly certain that this doctor specializes in cancer and he gives Ben a reassuring smile as he speaks to Ben’s parents. “I’m sure it’s just an infection. Pretty common after chemotherapy. He’ll be fine in no time…”</p><p> </p><p>Ben recognizes where he’s being wheeled to and he perks up as he’s brought to Rey’s room. “I brought you a new roommate,” the doctor announces to the other inhabitant.</p><p> </p><p>“Ben!” Rey says and frowns when she sees him in the wheelchair. “What happened?”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry about him,” Han reassures Rey. “He’s pretending so that he can have a sleepover with you.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey’s smile widens and Ben stands up, avoiding Leia’s confused look. “We can watch a movie!” she says excitedly. “And look Ben, I don’t need a mask anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>“I see that,” Ben says as he draws back the curtain around his bed for the evening and climbs in. “Do you feel better?”</p><p> </p><p>Rey nods and launches into some story as the doctor draws blood and then hooks him up for an antibiotic drip. As soon as the doctor is out of the room, Leia hisses, “What is going on here?”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, Leia,” Han says lightly, “This is Rey. A friend Ben met during chemotherapy.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hi!” Rey beams. “Are you Ben’s mom? Wow, you’re so pretty. Ben, your mom is so pretty…”</p><p> </p><p>The anger seems to melt away from Leia as Rey babbles, but Ben knows that won’t be the end of it. Nothing gets by his mother and it’s clear that Ben’s relationship with Rey is deeper than two people who met during treatment. “Leia, let’s let them both rest?” Han suggests.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll be back tomorrow,” Leia says, giving her son a look that makes it clear that they are in for a long conversation. </p><p> </p><p>“Goodnight!” Rey calls cheerfully and waves before turning to Ben. “I still have some M&amp;Ms. Wanna share?”</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Ben is dreading Leia’s visit -- he knows that she will find out how long he’s been visiting Rey and he’s terrified that she will put an end to it. He doesn’t know what he will do if he loses her, and he’s even more scared about what will happen to Rey if she’s got no one to visit. It was one thing for her to be lonely before they’d met, but he didn’t want her to ever go back to that.</p><p> </p><p>“You have a visitor, Ben,” Maz announces and when he turns his attention away from the tv show Rey had put on, he is surprised to see not his mother, but Ashley Collins.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi,” she says, taking a few tentative steps into the room.</p><p> </p><p>Ben clears his throat and sits up in bed, ignoring Rey when she asks, “Who’s that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hi,” he returns and thinks to smooth his hair down before remembering that he doesn’t have any. “Uh, what are you doing here?”</p><p> </p><p>“Everyone at school was talking about how you’re in the hospital,” Ashley says, walking to the edge of his bed and taking his hand dramatically. “Oh, Ben, you’re not dying, are you?”</p><p> </p><p>Her voice is so dramatic, her concern so put on, that even Rey can tell how insincere it is and scoffs in annoyance. Ben ignores Rey because it feels good to be fawned over, even if it’s not completely coming from a place of concern, and he shakes his head, “Not that I know of.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, good. That’s good. I don’t know what I would do if something were to happen to you.” She takes the seat next to the bed but doesn’t drop his hand. “I’m sorry I’ve been so distant lately,” she coos, her thumb stroking the thin skin over the top of his hand. “I just… I didn’t know how to deal with what’s happening to you.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben wants to yank his hand away, but he doesn’t. He’s reminded of Leia, of her need to make his cancer all about <em> her </em> and he thinks that it is the same thing with Ashley. She’s only here because of guilt or because she’ll look like a better person for visiting. Maybe she thinks that she’s making him feel better, but the truth is that her words make him feel shittier.</p><p> </p><p>And yet, he doesn’t pull his hand away and he doesn’t ask her to leave. He’s honestly lonely enough, touch-starved enough, that he’s willing to take whatever attention he can get despite how shitty it makes him feel. “It’s just a bacterial infection. I’m sure I’ll be out of the hospital soon.”</p><p> </p><p>“Good,” Ashley says. “And then maybe we can go see a movie?”</p><p> </p><p>A date. She’s asking him on a date and Ben’s heart beats faster because it's the first time she’s expressed wanting him to be something more than a dirty secret or a tool to make someone else jealous. “Sure,” he agrees.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” she blushes and stands up. “I should let you rest. But I’ll talk to you soon, Ben.” She leans down and kisses the corner of his mouth before leaving with a wave.</p><p> </p><p>Once she’s gone, Rey refuses to talk to him, crossing her arms and pouting over the fact that he’d ignored her and Ben is both amused at how stubborn Rey is and guilty that he’d upset her so much.</p><p> </p><p>He refuses to let her pouting ruin his good mood. He has a date. A real date with Ashley Collins. And when Leia visits later that evening, Ben knows that Han has spilled the beans about Rey and even <em> that </em> doesn’t bring him down.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>How would we feel about a few chapters from Little Rey's POV? :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. January 2007 - Rey's POV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>He is exactly the poem I wanted to write.</p>
  <p>   - White Heron Rises Over Blackwater by Mary Oliver</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Rey has known a lot of heart ache in her very short five years -- being unwanted and shuffled from foster home to foster home, a leukemia diagnosis which only made her less desirable, and through all of that, being so alone -- and she had always come out on the other side with a sunny disposition but none of that had quite prepared her for how utterly devastating it is to see <em> her </em>Ben being fawned over by some other girl.</p><p> </p><p>“Who’s that?” She tries to ask but Ben ignores her.</p><p> </p><p>He <em> ignores </em> her and it hurts because it’s Ben. She’s used to being overlooked and she can handle it, she really can, but Ben has only ever been doting. He visits her and brings her gifts and listens to her stories -- not in the half-hearted way that adults do because they feel sorry for her, but because he actually cares. She knows he does.</p><p> </p><p>And yet she’s forced to witness this uncomfortable attempt at flirting and if Rey had any lingering doubts about the existence of God, she doesn’t anymore. A God who takes away her family and gives her cancer, she can accept. But a God that makes her watch this silly girl try to take Ben away… well, that’s a cruelty that Rey just can’t believe in.</p><p> </p><p>She watches in distaste, her little nose wrinkling, as the girl plays up her concern over Ben’s condition -- and really, if a five year old can tell how fake she’s being, Rey wonders why Ben can’t. Maybe he doesn’t care. Or maybe he thinks he can’t do any better.</p><p> </p><p>He can, Rey thinks. Because Ben is the best person she’s ever met and this girl doesn’t deserve him. When the conversation finally comes to an end and the girl leaves, Rey crosses her arms over her chest and turns her nose up at Ben when he attempts to talk to her.</p><p> </p><p>“Rey,” Ben admonishes. “Don’t be like that…”</p><p> </p><p>“Hmph.” He won’t win her over with that soft voice.</p><p> </p><p>“I have M&amp;Ms. <em> Peanut </em>M&amp;Ms…” he sing-songs and Rey’s resolve begins to crumble. He can probably win her over with candy. “I guess I’ll have to eat them myself…”</p><p> </p><p>Rey finally looks over at him, narrowing her eyes in challenge. “Gimme,” she says and holds her hands out across the gap between their beds. “Those are mine.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben snorts and tosses her the packet of candy. “You’re not even gonna share?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nope,” Rey says and tears it open with her teeth, making a point of chewing with her mouth open so that he can hear her consume every last morsel. She knows she’s being mean and childish, but she doesn’t care. She wants Ben to feel bad for ignoring her. When she finishes off the candy she asks, “Who was that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ashley. A girl from school,” Ben tells her and Rey wrinkles her nose again.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you like her?” </p><p> </p><p>Ben shrugs, “Sure.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey doesn’t think his answer sounds very convincing, so she presses on, “You’re going to go on a date with her?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, whenever I get out of here,” Ben replies and an ugly thought crosses Rey’s mind -- she hopes Ben is here for a long time. As soon as she thinks it, the guilt eats at her and she looks away, crossing her arms over her chest. She’s jealous of Ashley because she’s a threat in so many ways: she’s pretty, and healthy and close to Ben’s own age. She is everything that Rey isn’t and Ben looks at her in a way he will never look at Rey.</p><p> </p><p>It hurts her little five year old heart, turning her into something jealous and ugly. She isn’t foolish enough to think that she has any chance with Ben, no matter how much she loves him. She’s just a kid to him. The thought makes her bitter and she starts to cry, rolling over onto her side and burying her face against the pillow so Ben won’t see. </p><p> </p><p>When her shoulders start to shake, Ben’s concerned voice floats over, “Rey, I’ll still come visit you.”</p><p> </p><p>She isn’t crying because she’s afraid of losing Ben or because she’s jealous. Rey has dealt with her fair share of pain. No… what’s making her cry is that she’d selfishly wished Ben didn’t get better so that she wouldn’t have to deal with the pain. She’d wished harm on the only person who cares about her.</p><p> </p><p>When Ben shuffles out of bed to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, she shrugs it off because she doesn’t deserve his kindness. He doesn’t say anything else for a long time and Rey knows it's because he thinks she’s mad at him. He has no clue how guilty she feels.</p><p> </p><p>Ben’s mother comes back while they’re eating their dinner -- Ben is poking at his jell-o as his mother talks about bringing his homework to the hospital tomorrow and Rey would have asked to trade jell-o because Ben got the red kind and she got the green and really, red jell-o is the best, but even her five year old brain can comprehend the tense atmosphere in the room.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sick and you want to bring me homework?” Ben asks incredulously, finally pushing his jell-o away after stabbing it multiple times with his plastic fork.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re just lying in bed all day. You’ll want something to do to keep you busy and this way you won’t fall behind in school,” Leia points out.</p><p> </p><p>Han has come too, and once Ben and Leia really get to arguing, he pulls out his deck of cards and sits down next to Rey’s bed. “Wanna play?”</p><p> </p><p>Rey nods her head and pushes her tray out of the way to clear space on the bed as Han starts dealing cards. They’re in the middle of their second game when Leia clears her throat, “Han, let’s go.”</p><p> </p><p>He glances over his shoulder at his ex-wife, and says, “We’re in the middle of a game and I have a pack of reese’s cups on the line.”</p><p> </p><p>Leia exhales and narrows her eyes at her husband, “Are you <em> gambling </em> with a five year old?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah and she’s kicking my ass,” Han replies which earns him a toothy smile from Rey. She likes Ben’s dad -- she can see where Ben gets his sense of humor.<br/>
<br/>
Leia, on the other hand, scares Rey. Currently, she has her arms crossed over her chest and is tapping her foot impatiently against the sterilized linoleum floors. “Han.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sit down, princess,” Han nods at the empty chair and flips his card over.</p><p> </p><p>Leia lets out an exasperated sigh but sits down dramatically. “I don’t think her parents would appreciate you teaching their daughter how to gamble.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey snorts and replies, “I don’t <em> have </em> parents.”</p><p> </p><p>Han gives Leia a pointed ‘told-you-so’ look, but Leia is too busy frowning to notice her husband gloating, “You don’t have parents?”</p><p> </p><p>Rey shakes her head and flips her card and then laughs as she steals Han’s stack of cards to add to her own. “Nope.”</p><p> </p><p>“Foster parents?” Leia presses because she can’t seem to wrap her head around the idea of a child having no one.</p><p> </p><p>“Nope,” Rey says with a nonchalance that only someone used to their circumstances could pull off as she flips her next card over. When Han wins this time, she glances over at Leia and says, “No one wants a sick kid.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben snorts from his bed, like he’s amused that someone dared to be so straight with his mother.</p><p> </p><p>“Well that’s just- I’m- Well,” Leia huffs as if she’s embarrassed for questioning a child and even more embarrassed to have received such straightforward answers.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry,” Rey says, trying to alleviate some of the older woman’s guilt. For Rey, soothing the discomfort her situation causes everyone else’s sensibilities is just part of life. People always feel bad for her because she’s sick and alone, but no one ever does anything about it. She assures them she’s fine and they’re all able to move on with their lives because Rey is able to put on such a brave face. </p><p> </p><p>Ben is the only one who has ever stuck by her side. Even when she was at her sickest, with feeding tubes and a breathing mask, Ben was the only person who treated her normally. And he came every day, no matter how sad seeing her so ill made him. And for once, she didn’t have to put on a brave face despite it all because Ben put on a brave face for <em> her. </em> He was willing to carry the burden of being by her side in a way that no adult ever had.</p><p> </p><p>Ben Solo is her guardian angel, her best friend, her first love.</p><p> </p><p>They play one more round of war before Han forfeits his pack of Reese’s peanut butter cups and Rey gloats as Han and Leia say their goodbyes. “I want twix next time!” Rey teases as Han waves goodbye.</p><p> </p><p>Once his parents are gone, Rey finally decides it's time to break her silent streak with Ben and she holds out her treat, “Want one?”</p><p> </p><p>Ben holds out his hand and Rey leans over to put a peanut butter cup on his palm and he pushes the entire disc into his mouth -- an action that makes Rey bark in disbelief because a peanut butter cup must be savored -- and then he holds out his hand again. “No way! This one’s mine.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, I want the remote,” Ben laughs and wiggles his fingers until she gives him the remote to the tv in the corner.</p><p> </p><p>“Fine, but don’t put on a boring show,” Rey warns, and take a small bite of her peanut butter cup, letting the peanut butter and chocolate melt together on her tongue before swallowing.</p><p> </p><p>They end up watching Pirates of the Caribbean, which Rey had never seen before and by the end of the movie, she’s sitting so close to the end of the bed that her neck hurts from staring up at the tv mounted in the corner. “If I grow up, I want to be a pirate,” Rey declares.</p><p> </p><p>Ben scoffs, “That’s stupid.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why? Because there’s no pirates anymore?” Rey says, because she’s not stupid. Obviously she knows that it's impossible.</p><p> </p><p>“No, because you <em> are </em> going to grow up,” Ben returns with a finality to his voice. “And then you’ll be a famous poet and I’ll buy all your books.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey blushes and looks away, because even without ever having told him, he knows her heart’s deepest desires. Does he also know that she loves him? She decides that’s too embarrassing to even think about so she tells him, “Maybe I’ll give you an autograph.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben snorts, “You’ll be too famous to give me any attention.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll always have time for you, Ben,” Rey says earnestly as she settles into bed and he puts on the next movie in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Ben is in the hospital for two days and two nights, most of which are spent watching movies and eating vending machine candy. It is the closest thing Rey has ever had to a sleepover party and as much as it hurts her to see Ben go, she tells herself that she has to be happy that he is doing better.</p><p> </p><p>As much as she wants to be around him, she doesn’t want it to be at the expense of his own health.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll come visit you soon, ok?” Ben promises as Han takes his overnight bag.</p><p> </p><p>“Tomorrow?” Rey asks hopefully.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll see,” Leia answers for her son. “Ben has a lot of homework he needs to catch up on. I’m sure you understand, Rey.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey <em> doesn’t </em> understand because she’s five and she’s never had to do homework and as far as she’s concerned, Ben has been doing fine staying on top of homework while still visiting every day. She’s had his constant companionship for two days and she knows that as soon as he leaves, she’s going to feel lonely.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll come really soon,” Ben adds and Rey tries her hardest not to pout as she nods. </p><p> </p><p>Leia takes Ben’s arm and leads him out of the room and Han pauses long enough to pull a Twix out of his coat pocket and toss it to her with a wink. Rey waits until they leave before she opens the candy and she tries to eat it, but it tastes like ash in her mouth. It’s like Ben took all the color in the world with him when he left and she knows it’s a dramatic thought, but she can’t help the way she feels -- alone.</p><p> </p><p>******</p><p> </p><p>Ben doesn’t keep his promise; it’s almost a full five days before he visits her again and when he does, Rey is so depressed she can barely stand his good mood. She’s been alone in the hospital for five days with nothing except the tv and a few occasional visits from Maz to keep her company. No one has brought her candy, or asked to hear her read from one of her poetry books (she was getting really good at reading and she didn’t need to ask what any of the words were anymore), or played cards with her. There’s no one to tell her stupid jokes or to whisper goodnight to her. </p><p> </p><p>What does he have to be so happy about? Rey wonders and it makes her heart hurt to think that he’s happier when she isn’t around. She can’t say it’s a surprising revelation since no one has ever wanted her around, but it <em> is </em> a painful reminder of how unwanted she is.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s wrong?” Ben asks when she isn’t her usual chipper self. “Are you feeling okay? Should I get Nurse Maz?”</p><p> </p><p>Rey shakes her head, “I’m fine.” She has to stop being so depressing or she’ll push him away altogether. “Did you catch up on all your schoolwork?” she asks, changing the subject. Rey has learned that people will jump at the opportunity to talk about themselves rather than worry over her health.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, most of it,” Ben says. “Ashley has been helping me with a lot of it.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey’s stomach churns at the thought of Ashley and Ben spending all that time together and suddenly it makes a little more sense why Ben has been gone for five days. “Oh.”</p><p> </p><p>“Have you been keeping busy?” Ben changes the subject, maybe because he senses Rey’s disappointment or maybe because he’s realized he just admitted the reason he hasn’t bothered to visit Rey.</p><p> </p><p>That vicious part of Rey that wants to make Ben feel bad rears its ugly head and she’s tempted to tell him just how lonely she’s been. She refuses because while some people might deserve such treatment, Ben is not one of them. He’s a good friend and even if he doesn’t visit her every day anymore, he does still visit. “I can read Where the Sidewalk Ends cover to cover without any help.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben smiles, “That’s great, Rey. You’re going to be reading better than me before I know it.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey’s heart flutters because it means that Ben thinks she’s smart, that they’re on the same level at least where reading is concerned. A small, pathetic part of her hopes that means he doesn’t just think of her as a child. But her spunk wins out and she tells him, “I’m already reading better than you.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben laughs and it's like music to her ears. She could look at him all day, the way his eyes wrinkle and his shoulders shake, the deep dimples that form on his cheeks and the bobbing of his Adam’s apple and his crooked gapped teeth. He’s strange-looking and beautiful all at the same time.</p><p> </p><p>He asks her to read to him and she does and he listens the whole time and when she’s done, he looks thoroughly impressed. </p><p> </p><p>“I got this for you,” he says shyly and pulls out a hard cover notebook. It’s purple with a huge swooping pink heart on the cover and Rey thinks it's perfect because it means he loves her. “To write your poetry in.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey takes the notebook and turns it over in her hands like it's the most precious gift she’s ever been given. Besides the hat he made her, of course. When she opens the cover, he’s written her name in looping calligraphy. “I love it, Ben.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you frowning then?” Ben wonders.</p><p> </p><p>Rey touches the corners of her mouth, not even realizing she’d been frowning. But she knows the answer and says it easily because Ben is easy to talk to, “I can’t write poetry.”</p><p> </p><p>He looks at her like she’s crazy. “Of course you can.” He offers no explanation as to why he thinks so and Rey knows it's because he believes in her.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll try,” she promises.</p><p> </p><p>When Ben leaves, he promises that he’ll come see her soon, but another three days pass and he doesn’t visit the hospital. When Maz wakes her from a nap to tell her she has a visitor, she thinks it’ll finally be Ben but is disappointed to see Han.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t look too happy to see me,” Han replies gruffly as he plops into the chair next to her bed.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry,” Rey says sheepishly, sinking down in shame. She likes Han a lot -- he always plays with her and brings her treats -- it’s just that he’s not <em> Ben </em>. </p><p> </p><p>“I get it. You were hoping I was Ben,” Han says and Rey doesn’t bother to hide it.</p><p> </p><p>“Where is he?” Rey asks, not wanting to hurt Han’s feelings but too curious to let the subject drop.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, you know. He’s been busy lately. He’s trying to catch up on school work and he’s got Driver’s Ed now and…”</p><p> </p><p>“Ashley?” Rey tries not to sound bitter about the whole thing as the question falls from her lips</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Han concludes as he fishes into his pocket for the candy he brought. Today, it’s Swedish fish and although it doesn’t help with the heartache, she’s five and can’t turn down free sugar.</p><p> </p><p>She opens the packet and tosses one of the gummies into her mouth. It tastes more bitter than it should. She gives Han a shrug, trying to pretend that she doesn’t care that Ben’s got higher priorities.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s a teenage boy,” Han begins to explain.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s that mean?” Rey interrupts. She doesn’t understand why Ben’s age has anything to do with why he’s more interested in spending time with Ashley.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, you know, hormones and…” he trails off when Rey looks lost and clears his throat before finishing, “You know what? You’ll understand when you’re older.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey huffs, “I probably won’t live to be older.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Han scolds and though his voice sounds angry, his face is crestfallen. “Don’t talk like that, kid.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey blanches because she isn’t used to being scolded. She also isn’t used to talking so candidly about her mortality, but that’s only because she knows people can’t handle it. No one wants to be reminded by a five year old that they will outlive her. “Sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Han must have felt bad about scolding her because he reaches out and awkwardly pats her head and Rey is so touch starved that she leans into it like a needy dog. “You gotta stay positive, kid. You’re stronger than your cancer.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm,” Rey says like she disagrees. The Solo men seem to have a high opinion of her that is very undeserved. She stuffs her face with half the bag of candy so that she has an excuse not to talk about it anymore. </p><p> </p><p>Han laughs as gooey red drool dribbles from the corner of her lips. “Hey kid, are you up for poker?”</p><p> </p><p>It takes a solid minute for her to swallow and she pants as she tells him, “Dunno how to play.”</p><p> </p><p>Han’s grin widens and he starts to deal the cards, “You’re gonna love it once you get the hang of it.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey doesn’t get the hang of it right away, and she is ready to throw the cards at Han and pout when everything suddenly clicks and makes sense during the 4th round when she gets an extremely lucky hand of cards and manages to beat Han.</p><p> </p><p>“I knew you’d be good at this,” Han grins. “I was never able to teach Ben. He’s too impatient like his mother.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey grins and takes her cards as Han deals a new hand. She misses Ben but she likes Han’s company too. He is laid back in a way that Ben isn’t and where Ben is sullen and difficult to read, Han is chronically at ease and playful. She thinks that Ben is lucky to have a dad like Han. </p><p> </p><p>“Beat you,” she said after three consecutive wins and Han sighs dramatically as he packs up the cards. “Are you leaving?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, sorry kid. Gotta pick Ben up from Driver’s Ed,” Han says as he puts the cards back in the box. “I’ll leave these with you until next time, ok?”</p><p> </p><p>Rey nods and puts the cards on the stack of poetry books and the journal that Ben gave her -- a pile of her most valuable possessions -- and turns back to Han. “Will you tell Ben that I miss him?” The question is shy and much more vulnerable than she’s used to being.</p><p> </p><p>Han agrees easily. “Of course. See ya soon, alright?”</p><p> </p><p>Rey nods and watches Han go. When he’s gone, she grabs her journal and begins to write because even if her poetry is no good, she can let out everything she bottles up inside of her; her loneliness, her desperation for love, the ugly bitter thoughts that she tries so hard to hide from others and most of all, her fears -- the greatest of which is that Ben will never come back and visit, that she’ll die before she sees him again.</p><p> </p><p>When she finishes writing, she sets the book aside and she wonders if he misses her the way she misses him and then cries herself to sleep because she knows in her heart that he doesn’t.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Poor Rey. Type F in the chat for her poor little heart ;_;</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. March 2007 - Ben's POV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Taking it back to Ben's POV for this chapter &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Listen, whatever you see and love --</p>
  <p>that's where you are.</p>
  <p>   - Dog Songs by Mary Oliver</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <span>March 2006</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need you to take Ben to the hospital this afternoon,” Leia tells Han as she enters the kitchen, pulling a pair of golden hoop earrings through her earlobes. She’s wearing an emerald green suit and her hair has been pulled up and twisted around the crown in one of the signature braids that Ben knows is meant to soften her appearance -- a necessity in court once she had garnered the reputation of a snarling bulldog.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben sits at the counter, lifting a spoonful of cinnamon life to his mouth as he texts Ashley. He’s paying attention, but only just. Life is coming together for him -- he has Ashley and with that, some semblance of normalcy at school, both parents at home (with minimal fighting), and his appetite is back in a way that it hasn’t been since the previous summer. He was on his third bowl of cereal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t,” Han says, running a hand through his salt-and-pepper hair. “I have a job interview.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both Ben and Leia freeze in what they’re doing to stare at Han, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. For as long as Ben could remember, his dad had ‘made a living’ by smuggling goods across state lines -- mostly counterfeit handbags -- but Ben had once heard Leia screaming at him over the phone when he’d been arrested for smuggling actual people. For Han to be looking for work elsewhere was unheard of. “Like a </span>
  <em>
    <span>real</span>
  </em>
  <span> job?” Ben asks for clarification, setting his spoon inside the empty bowl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Han grumbles, as though he’s uncomfortable at being called out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Doing what?” Ben asks and it’s clear from his tone that he doesn’t quite believe his dad.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lando knows a guy who runs a trucking school so I’m going to talk to him about teaching people how to operate semis,” Han explains quietly. There’s something different about his tone -- it’s nervous and wistful in a way that Ben has never heard coming from his dad. Ben’s always had the distinct impression that his dad loved being on the road and looked for any reason to not be around. He didn’t want to hope that his dad was finally planning on sticking around.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I have court today,” Leia interrupts before Ben can ask anything else. “You’ll have to reschedule.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t,” Han argues. “You can’t take off 30 minutes to get him there? I can pick him up when he’s done.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to be in the middle of a hearing all day,” Leia says. “What is this all about, Han? I’ve been asking you to get a normal job since before Ben was born and all of a sudden you think it’s a good idea?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Han says. “I do. I plan on being around more and I need a stable income.” He looks uncomfortable and glances at Ben as if he didn’t want his presence in this conversation. “I can’t keep sleeping on the couch. I need to start thinking about the future. Having a place of my own.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And there it is -- a conversation that has been long overdue since Han had come waltzing back into the picture five months ago. Ben chanced a look at his mother, half expecting her to look sad, and though her face is expressionless, Ben knows that Han has caught his mother off guard. They’ve been separated for so long that maybe Leia had never thought the divorce talk was inevitable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I see,” Leia says and her voice is eerily calm. She turns to her son, “I’ll figure out how to get you there. I’ve always had to figure it out on my own, anyway.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben knows it's a dig at Han and as Leia storms out of the room, Han looks older than Ben has ever seen him. He stands to put his bowl in the sink and leaves to get ready for school. He could comfort his dad, but a part of him thinks that Han deserves to be reminded of how he’s never been a good dad.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leia picks him up from school at 3pm sharp and it's a miracle they don’t get pulled over with the way she is speeding to get to the hospital. When she pulls in front, Ben opens the car door and Leia reaches over to grab his arm. “Ben.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” he frowns, one foot already out the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know I love you,” Leia says hesitantly and her grip on the steering wheel tightens. “I’ve always tried to do my best raising you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t understand what point she’s trying to make. She hadn’t even told him she loved him when he was diagnosed with cancer, hadn’t made the effort to be with him through treatment. In thirty seconds, she’d be speeding back off to work and they both knew that she was never going to win a mother-of-the-year award. “Okay,” Ben says, jumping out of the car.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben, wait,” she says before he can close the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben hesitates, leaning against the frame of the car door as he waits for his mother to say whatever it is she’s trying to say. “What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You won’t… you won’t leave me, will you?” She doesn’t look at him as she speaks but Ben can see the way her chin wobbles as she stares straight ahead. “If your father gets his own place in town…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben understands -- this isn’t about him. This is about Han. For his entire life, he’d been a pawn in their relationship; something to fight over and to grow resentful towards. He feels angry at his mom for trying to manipulate him like this. “I don’t know,” he tells her honestly. “Does it matter if I do? You’re never around anyway.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With that, he slams the door closed and walks towards the hospital. He hears the window roll down and his mom calls out, “Ben!” but he ignores it. She won’t come after him and they both know it. In the end, she’ll go back to work because that’s always been her priority and they’ll never discuss this again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t even realize he’s crying until he gets to the therapy room and Rey bounds out of her chair, “Ben! Why are you crying?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a shaking hand, he quickly wipes away the tears and shakes his head at her as he sinks into the chair. He doesn’t want to talk about it, not even with Rey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sad?” she asks, tugging her drip machine over towards Ben so she can take a closer chair. “What happened?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it, Rey,” Ben says and tries to give her a smile. He can’t complain to her about his parents because as shitty as they are, at least he has parents. Rey would never understand and he refused to remind her of her situation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey frowns and fidgets in her chair for a few minutes before she sits up excitedly, “Ben. I’ve been writing in the book you gave me. Look!” She holds up the purple journal, which appears to have been handled so often that she’s worn through the cover and there’s fingerprint sized peeks of cardboard poking through. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I read it?” Ben asks and reaches for the book.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey looks horrified and quickly shoves it under her bottom where he can’t see it. “No way!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben laughs and raises a hand, wiggling his fingers like he’s going to tickle her. He wonders what she might have written that seemed to make her face go so red. “You said I could read your poems.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I didn’t!” she squeals and she lifts her legs onto the chair, sinking all of her weight onto the book so he can’t get at it. The glare she gives him is so cute that it makes him laugh and she crosses her arms over her chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine, fine. I’ll just wait until you publish it,” Ben eases off, grinning at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey’s frown melts away and she returns his smile, “I’m glad you’re happy now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben blushes and shrugs, “It’s hard to be sad around you, Rey.” And it was true. Sometimes when he left and thought about Rey’s circumstances, he felt sad for her. But she was such a complete and total ball of sunshine that being around her made his day better. “I miss you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should come visit more,” Rey says and a hint of sadness has creeped into her voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll try. I’m really busy right now. Han is going to take me for my driver’s test in a couple of weeks and then I can take you places. There’s a carnival over in Evanston we can go to,” Ben offers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes! I want to go, Ben! Will there be a ferris wheel? I want to go on the ferris wheel,” Rey gushes and Ben has to laugh at the way she’s bouncing and vibrating with excitement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure there will be,” he promises. “And we can get McFlurries after.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey’s face lights up. “Yes! Oh, Ben I can’t wait.” The smile on her face is as big as he’s ever seen it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can’t wait to take her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have to make sure to listen to the doctors. If you get sick, they won’t let me take you.” He isn’t sure what he’ll have to do to be able to take her, but he’ll get it done. Anything to make Rey happy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, little miss,” Maz interrupts as she enters the room. “Are you ready to head back to your room?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I stay here with Ben?” Rey pouts, giving Maz her ultimate puppy dog eyes. Ben wouldn’t have been able to say no.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben’s almost finished and then we’re going to draw up some blood work. But I’ll send him to your room when he’s all done, ok?” Maz reasons as she disconnects Rey from the IV drip. “Do you need me to walk you back?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey shakes her head and hops off her chair, snatching up her journal before Ben can even think to look. “Don’t leave without saying goodbye!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben nods and watches Rey shuffle out of the room and he can hear her voice all the way down the hall as she stops to greet every nurse and doctor that she meets along the way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maz takes the seat next to him and checks the dials on his chemo drip. “She misses you a lot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d visited twice the previous week and he knew that Han had taken to visiting Rey sometimes so he tries not to feel bad. He shouldn’t have to feel guilty when he has midterms and a girlfriend and driving lessons. “I know,” he tells Maz. “I miss her too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maz begins disconnecting the line and she glances up at Ben as she withdraws the needle, “It was her birthday yesterday.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s heart sinks. He hadn’t visited Rey on her birthday and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that no one had. “I… I didn’t know.” How could he have if she hadn’t told him? He would have dropped everything if he had known.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Maz sighs. “And she knows that too. But she’s a little girl and she was disappointed that her best friend didn’t come on her birthday.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben feels like shit and part of him is angry that an adult is sitting there making him feel guilty about trying to be a normal fifteen year old. “I have to go apologize,” Ben mumbles and tries standing up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Blood sample first,” Maz says, yanking him back into his chair. She grabs the arm that wasn’t on the IV drip and quickly finds a vein. “I’m not telling you to make you feel guilty. I’m glad you befriended Rey. I just want you to remember that she has feelings too, ok?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben nods and swallows hard. He has only ever wanted to be a good friend to Rey and he’s let her down. It’s an unfair burden to be her only friend, but she had taken that burden herself as well when he had no other friends. She was a child, yes, but she was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>true</span>
  </em>
  <span> friend. When Ben thought about it, she was also the only person he really liked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Maz finishes up, she puts a bandage on his arm and smiles, “Okay. Go say goodbye. She’ll murder me if I let you leave.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben nods and stands, trying to figure out what to say to Rey. When he makes it to her room, he still isn’t sure, but he’s saved from having to speak when he notices that Han is sitting at her bedside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You cheat,” Han huffs, tossing his cards onto the table as Rey gleefully collects a packet of Sour Brite Crawlers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nuh-uh,” Rey argues, opening the packet of gummy worms. “I’ve just been practicing with Maz.” She looks smug and Ben wants to laugh, but then she sees him in the doorway and her face lights up. “I just kicked Han’s butt, Ben!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Seems like it,” Ben says and when he gets to her bed he reaches into the bag of gummies and takes one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, those are mine,” Rey protests and snatches the bag, hiding it under her pillow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s on a sour candy kick,” Han shrugs with a grin and Ben’s got a weird feeling in his chest at the realization that Han and Rey have grown close.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you know it was Rey’s birthday yesterday?” Ben blurts out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Han turns to give Rey an incredulous look, “I didn’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me either,” Ben grumbles and sits on the edge of her bed. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have come. I would have brought you cake.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey’s little shoulders shrug and she looks down, ashamed. “I was afraid you wouldn’t come if I told you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s stupid,” Ben tells her. “You’re supposed to spend your birthday with your best friend. I would have ditched school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I would have been here too,” Han interjects. “And I would have let you win at poker then too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t hafta let me win,” Rey rolls her eyes. “I’m better than you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“True,” Han relents with a crooked grin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How about a sleepover?” Ben suggests. “You and me this weekend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey beams at him, “Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben nods. He’ll bring a sleeping bag and camp out on the floor to make it happen if he needs to. He’ll never let Rey down again. “And we’ll have cake.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Chocolate cake?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If that’s what you want,” Ben agrees.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t wait!” Rey squeals.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Friday night rolls around, Ben has sleeping bags set up in the living room and has talked his mom into renting at least a dozen movies from Blockbuster. Somehow, by some miracle, Han has managed to finagle, or perhaps charm, Rey’s social worker into letting her spend the night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben is putting the finishing touches on his living room setup when Han walks through the door with a couple of boxes of pizza and Rey in tow. “Woah!” Rey says. “Your house is so big, Ben!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben greets her eagerly in the hallway, taking her backpack and carrying it into the living room. “What do you want to do first?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey shrugs and then pauses at the stairs to say, “Hellooooo~”, laughing as her voice echoes along the walls of the entryway. “Can I see your room?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben begrudgingly takes Rey on a tour of the house, showing her where the bathroom is on both floors and then lets her into his room. “Woah! You have a computer?” She runs across the room and sits in his desk chair, pretending to type on his computer. “When I grow up, I’m gonna have a laptop.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben snorts because it’s not like having a laptop is that big of a deal anymore. “I’m sure you will.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She spends a while looking around his room, lying down on his bed, digging through his dresser drawers, and finally an especially long perusal of the books on his shelf. “No poetry,” she sighs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Ben laughs. “I have comic books.” She doesn’t seem overly interested but he talks her into taking a stack back to the hospital in her backpack.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they go back downstairs, Han is already setting up a DVD and there’s an open box of pizza on the table. As they sit down on the couch, both Rey and Ben grab a slice and Rey sidles up so close to Ben that he can feel how warm she is against his arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One movie turns into two and then Han enters the room with a birthday cake, complete with six candles on top and Rey is so happy that she cries as she blows out the candles. Ben’s heart feels full and he cuts her a piece of cake so large that her hands shake with the weight of the paper plate when he hands it to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He watches her eat the cake, wondering how she got frosting all the way on her forehead, and he thinks that he would do anything to make her this happy all the time. If not for her shiny little head, he would think she’s a perfectly normal kid and Ben wants that for her. He wants her to get better so that he can take her to the carnival and the zoo and the movies. He wants her to pester him to buy her candy and popcorn and ice cream and he knows that he would gladly spend every last cent in his wallet to make her happy. He wants to watch her get bigger, see her hair grow longer, teach her how to drive someday and scare away her first boyfriend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d never planned it, but he loves Rey. He swallows at the realization and when he sneaks another glance at her, she’s nodding off. “Rey,” he whispers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She blinks herself awake. “Huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you go put on your pajamas?” He suggests and stands to do the same. “You remember where the bathroom is?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey nods and staggers to her backpack. He helps her to the bathroom and then climbs the stairs to his bedroom to get changed into his pajamas, pausing in the hallway when he hears raised voices. At some point in their movie marathon, Leia had come home. He creeps closer to her bedroom door and strains his ears, “I’m concerned about his </span>
  <em>
    <span>mental </span>
  </em>
  <span>health, Han.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“His mental health is </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Han argues. “He likes spending time with Rey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Exactly and when she dies,” Leia begins only to be cut off by Han’s harsh tone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>IF</span>
  </em>
  <span> she dies.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leia sighs flippantly, “I said no, Han. I don’t want Ben’s heart getting broken.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, it’s not up to you,” Han gritted out. “I’m putting in the foster paperwork, whether you like it or not.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re not going to give a sick little girl to a deadbeat like you,” Leia spits and Ben freezes. Han. Han is planning on fostering Rey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door is yanked open and Ben comes face to face with his dad. “Ben…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurts.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It’s the only word he can think of for the tight feeling in his chest. He can’t figure out what he’s feeling because his initial reaction had been joy -- if Han takes in Rey then she’ll really finally be his sister. He’ll get to be by her side as she grows, just like he’d wanted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But this is Han, who had hardly been around for Ben in the past ten years. Han who is capable of breaking Rey’s heart. Han who is finally getting his life together -- a job, a place of his own -- not for him, but for Rey. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He thinks of all the birthdays and Christmases Han had missed and of planned weekends that always seemed to fall through at the last minute in favor of a job. He thinks about the awkward phone calls and the overheard shouting matches between his parents over him. He isn’t a beloved child and he’s always known it. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that Han wants another child over him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He refuses to be bitter about it. He knows that Rey deserves it because she deserves the world, but it doesn’t hurt any less to know that he was never worth the same effort. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pajamas,” Ben manages to croak and hurries to his room, shutting the door quietly. He changes quickly, going through the motions like a zombie as he brushes his teeth and when he cautiously creeps into the hallway, Han is no longer there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he gets downstairs, Rey is already nestled into a sleeping bag, snoring softly. Ben turns off the tv and crawls into his own sleeping bag. When he rolls over onto his side to look at her, Rey’s face is squished comically against her pillow and a stream of drool drips out the corner of her mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s unnervingly cute.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For now, he’ll swallow down his pain if it means that Rey will be his little sister. If it means that she’ll be happy and cared for.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>HEY LISTEN. I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT <a href="https://twitter.com/jeeaysee0925/status/1357207178042564608">ANNOUNCEMENT!</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. April to June 2007 - Mixed POV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>Someone I loved once gave me a box of darkness.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>It took me years to understand that, this too, was a gift.</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>       - The Uses of Sorrow by Mary Oliver</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <span>The best, and simultaneously worst, news comes in early April -- Ben’s cancer is in remission. It’s wonderful because it means that Rey’s wish for him to stay sick went unheeded and the way her lingering guilt unfurls and vanishes makes her feel lighter than she has in months. She hadn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> wanted Ben to stay sick -- he’s too good a person to suffer. But gone were the days of shared chemotherapy appointments; they were the only reason he had to regularly visit the hospital.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His visits had already become fewer and farther in between; she could remember the months when he visited almost daily and now she was lucky if he stopped by once a week. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s sixteenth birthday is in the beginning of May and Han picks her up from the hospital and they surprise Ben by going to his school and checking him out early. Han takes them to the mall and they watch a PG-13 movie that is honestly too scary for Rey and she spends half of it burying her face against Ben’s arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Afterwards, Han takes them to lunch at the Rain Forest Cafe and Rey is mesmerized by all the animatronics that she’s only half-listening to the conversation between Ben and Han.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got an apartment,” Han says casually. “The job is working out well and it feels like time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s a brief pause in conversation as the waitress sets Rey’s hamburger in front of her and after eyeing Ben’s onion rings they make a deal -- she’ll trade half her french fries for half his rings -- and the conversation continues.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you tell mom?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not yet,” Han takes a bite of his burger and little pieces fly out of his mouth. “But I was thinking we get you in for your driver’s test and then tell her. She’ll be so mad at me that she’ll forget to freak out about you driving.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben steals a few more fries from Rey’s plate and when she growls at him, he gives her a look, “You kept way more than half.” He turns back to his dad, “Do you have two bedrooms? She might kick us both out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I was thinking about talking to Rey about…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben cuts him off, “Don’t get her hopes up unless you’re serious.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey looks back and forth between her two favorite people and wonders what they’re talking about. A burst of lighting erupts in the restaurant and the sound of trickling rain and Rey claps her hands. “It’s like a real rain forest!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She misses the warning look that Ben gives Han before putting a few more of his onion rings on Rey’s plate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few days later, Ben stops by her hospital room unannounced and Rey can barely contain her excitement at getting to see him twice in the same week. “Ben!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I got my license,” Ben says and shows her the paper. “I drove here myself today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey thinks it's just one more thing that will take Ben away from her, but seeing him so happy makes her happy and it’s easy enough to return his smile. “Do you have your own car?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not yet. I’m borrowing Han’s truck right now but I’m going to get a job over the summer and save up for one of my own,” Ben explains as he refolds the yellow paper and stuffs it into his wallet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yet another thing to steal her time with Ben, Rey thinks, but she doesn’t say it out loud. “Then will you take me to the carnival?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Ben agrees easily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And buy me some cotton candy?” Rey presses. She’s never had cotton candy before, but it's sugar so she’s positive she’ll love it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you’ll win one of those giant stuffed animals for me?” She’s trying to see how much she can get him to promise her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you want,” Ben grins and leans towards her, like he knows her game.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, then I guess I’ll go with you,” she shrugs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good,” Ben smiles. “Because I already bought tickets.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey squeals and throws herself into Ben’s arms and he laughs even though she’s knocked the wind out of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The morning of the carnival, Maz gives Rey a surprise: a new midi dress with a ditsy floral pattern and a white jean jack and Rey is so happy that she cries and won’t stop hugging Maz for a good ten minutes. She has to promise not to tell anyone the dress came from Maz so that she won’t get in trouble, but they both know that she won’t be able to keep it a secret. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she puts on the dress, Rey won’t stop twirling in it and she makes herself so dizzy that Maz orders her to sit down under threat of not being allowed to go. When it’s close to Ben’s arrival, she’s so antsy that Maz finally puts her in a wheelchair and takes her out front to wait for Ben.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s almost twenty minutes late but when he pulls up, Rey is almost ready to forgive him until she see’s Ashley in the passenger seat. Ben climbs out of the truck and jogs around it. “Ready to go?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why is she here?” Rey asks, and she narrows her eyes as she watches Ashley apply copious amounts of gooey glittery lipgloss to her lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ashley?” Ben asks as he takes Rey’s hand and walks her to the truck. “I just thought it would be fun if we all hung out together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey thinks that it sounds like the opposite of fun. She doesn’t know Ashley, but considers her the enemy all the same. She’s the one who’s trying to take Ben away from her. Rey tries not to grumble under her breath as Ben opens the door and helps Rey in. She’s forced into the middle seat of Han’s truck and normally she wouldn’t care, but now she’s pressed up against Ashley who smells like she took a bath in Sweet Pea body spray.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The entire thirty minute car ride to Evanston is filled with Ashley talking non-stop about people from school that Rey doesn’t know and doesn’t care about. She thinks maybe Ben doesn’t care either because he keeps answering every question with grunts and she has to hide her grin in the sleeve of her jacket because it reminds her so much of Han.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they get close to the fairgrounds, Rey is bouncing with excitement because she can see the ferris wheel from the parking lot. “Look Ben! A ferris wheel!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Ben grins down at her as he puts the car into park.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re not going on that thing, are we?” Ashley pipes up as she puts on another coat of lipgloss. Rey wrinkles her nose and wonders if Ben gets stuck to her when they kiss because of how much gloss she’s got on. “I don’t like heights.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey rolls her eyes and wonders why Ashley invited herself along to a carnival if she doesn’t even like the rides. She watches as Ben puts an arm around her shoulders and he coos at her, “You can sit next to me. I’ll hold you the whole time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey makes a gagging face behind their backs and she thinks it goes unnoticed until Ben snorts. As they go into the carnival, Ben hands over the tickets and Rey gets her hand stamped and when Ben grabs hold of it, Rey’s heart flutters the same way it always does when he touches her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As if Ashley senses that Ben’s attention is focused on Rey, she loops her arms through his and tugs him closer to her, jerking Rey’s arm in the process. “Ouch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ashley, be careful,” Ben scolds and it takes every ounce of Rey’s will power not to stick her tongue out at the other girl. She decides to gloat by swinging Ben’s hand in hers. “What do you want to do first?” he asks Rey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They ride the bumper cars three times in a row and Rey is too small to go on her own, so she has to sit in a car with Ben. She doesn’t mind at all, especially not when he lets her steer and she gets to crash the car into Ashley’s over and over. Rey’s cackling like mad every time she manages to corner Ben’s girlfriend and he’s finding it just as hilarious until Ashley glares at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey wonders why Ben likes her. She tells boring stories, she won’t stop looking at herself and primping, she’s got no sense of humor. Han would awkwardly tell her that it’s a hormonal thing, which Rey has come to realize means that Ashley lets Ben kiss her and for whatever reason, that’s more important than anything else to a teenage boy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyone’s got faults, Rey thinks, and she guesses Ben’s is that he’s a slave to his ‘hormones’.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they finish their third round of bumper cars, Ashley refuses to go again and suggests that they go on the tunnel of love. Rey thinks it's boring and she’s about to tell Ben she thinks so but when she looks over, him and Ashley are sucking face so Rey just leans over the side and sticks her hand in the water and tries to block out the wet smacking sounds coming from her right.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the boat stops, Rey can’t get out quick enough and she makes no qualms about letting her displeasure be known as Ben wipes the lipgloss off the entire lower half of his face. She’s a kid, but Rey has feelings and that… Well, that was barf worthy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want cotton candy?” Ben asks, sensing that Rey is upset. “Pink or blue?”</span>
  <span><br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Both,” Rey answers in a clipped tone and she crosses her arms over her chest as she raises her chin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re going to get sick if you eat that much,” Ben warns but he’s already pulling his wallet out and ordering for her. He hands both cones to her and when Ashley asks for some, Rey makes a show of taking a large bite from each. This time, she </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> stick her tongue out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Ben laughs, Ashley elbows him and Ben pulls out his wallet and buys a third cotton candy for his girlfriend. While they eat, (Rey is determined to finish both of hers just to prove a point), Ben plays the shooting gallery. Ashley cheers him on and even Rey can admit that it’s impressive when Ben hits every single target.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The carny hands Ben a huge stuffed pink flamingo, and Ashley holds her arms out expectantly. “You’re so good at that,” she blinks her eyelashes at him, but her smile quickly turns to a frown when he hands the toy over to Rey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben turns to Ashley and there’s anger written all over her face. “What the hell, Ben? I’m your </span>
  <em>
    <span>girlfriend.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s a kid,” Ben explains, and he sounds exasperated, as though he’s used to dealing with Ashley’s tantrums. “It’s just a stuffed animal.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want one,” she grits out and Ben plays another round, although this time he misses three targets and the animal he hands over to Ashley is much smaller than Rey’s. It’s hard for Rey not to gloat at the size difference and she doesn’t even care that Ashley glares at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the afternoon, the sun clouds over and it begins to drizzle lightly so Ben takes Rey and Ashley to the food tents and buys them all pronto pups. Ashley just eats the breading from hers, in dainty little nibbles, but Rey goes to town on hers, drowning it in ketchup and barely chewing. She’s so used to hospital foods and occasional nutritional drips when she’s too sick that the disgusting greasy carnival food tastes like heaven.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben buys her chili cheese fries too and it's the first time she’s ever had them but she’s pretty sure they rank up there with McFlurries. She’s halfway through the tray when she’s struck by a sudden wave of sleepiness and Ben takes off his sweatshirt, folding it up and sliding it towards Rey. “Why don’t you take a little nap? We’ll go back out when it stops raining.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wants to argue, but Ben had already explained that the rides shut down when it’s storming so it’s not as if they can go on the ferris wheel now anyway. She lays her head down and closes her eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Great. Now we have to wait for her to wake up,” she hears Ashley complain to Ben. “Why did you even invite her along?” Rey wants to cover her ears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shhh,” Ben says and lowers his voice so that Rey has to strain her ears to listen. “She’s sick. She needs to rest sometimes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>depressing</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Ashley corrects him. “I can’t believe you invited a dying kid on our date.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey </span>
  <em>
    <span>hates </span>
  </em>
  <span>Ashley. Ben had promised to take her to the carnival months ago and if anyone was being the third wheel, it was Ashley. Worse yet, is the fact that Ashley is talking about her like she’s not inches away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t say that,” Ben says and he sounds as angry as Rey feels. “She’s always wanted to go to a carnival and I promised to take her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s weird,” Ashley continues. “And she’s a brat. Did you see what she did with the cotton candy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t say anything and Rey’s heart sinks when he doesn’t defend her again. “I’m going to go throw the garbage away,” he grumbles and when he stomps off, Rey opens her eyes and sees Ashley typing away on her phone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t even look up as Rey leaves the table. If they don’t want her here spoiling her date, then she won’t bother them anymore. She’ll find a ride back to the hospital. Or maybe she’ll join the carnival and travel and eat chili cheese fries every day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben takes his time cleaning up because he’s upset enough that he knows he might snap at Ashley if he doesn’t calm down first. When he finally makes it back to the table, Ashley is texting someone and Rey is nowhere to be seen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Rey?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ashley lifts her head. “I dunno. She was here a minute ago.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben blinks, “Did she say anything about where she was going?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I don’t know. She probably went to the bathroom or something,” Ashley replies, still typing on her phone.</span>
  <span></span><br/>
<span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Ashley, she’s six,” Ben says incredulously. “You can’t let her wander off by herself!” He runs a hand through his hair in frustration.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus, Ben. I’m not her babysitter,” Ashley finally flips her phone closed and glares at him. “I don’t know why you’re getting mad at me. She snuck off on her own.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Five minutes. All she had to do was watch Rey for five. Fucking. Minutes. “You’re such a bitch.” He’s irrationally angry at Ashley and he knows it, but he’s scared of what might have happened to Rey. He pushes past his girlfriend and when he leaves the tent, the sky has darkened to an ominous charcoal color and the temperature has dropped. He needs to find Rey and fast.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m a bitch?” Ashley chases after him and the quiver in her voice almost makes him feel guilty. “I did you a favor by dating you. Everyone else at school was scared of you because of your cancer.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A favor?” Ben freezes mid stride and turns to her,  jaw clenched. “You dated me because you liked the attention.” His voice takes on a mocking tone as he continues, “Oh, look how nice Ashley is. She’s dating the sick kid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I… I never said…” Ashley stammers and Ben knows he has her. He can’t fault her for using him because he’d done the same thing. He’d put up with her entitlement and neediness for months only because it had felt nice that someone cared -- even if the care was all a show for popularity.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t have to say it,” Ben interrupts. “I’ve got cancer, I’m not blind.” When he looks at her, there are no tears streaming down her face. She isn’t sad about breaking up or losing him and though her eyes are watery, he knows it’s only because her feelings are hurt. There’s a voice in the back of his mind, his conscience maybe, telling him that he’s being too harsh, but Ben doesn’t care. No one ever worries about his feelings. No one cares.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Except Rey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to look for Rey,” he turns on his heel as the misty rain turns to fat droplets. He doesn’t have time to worry about Ashley and her feelings. The carnival grounds are deserted -- all the rides have been turned off and the booths of carnival games have their tarps rolled down. Even if he wanted to tell an adult about Rey’s disappearance, there is no one around.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey!” he shouts but there’s no answer. Maybe the rain is too loud for her to hear, or worse -- maybe she’s hiding from him. He checks all the port-a-potties and circles around the back sides of every booth and tent he can find. She could be waiting in Han’s truck or…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ferris wheel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knows that’s where she is without even looking so he makes a beeline for it, running hard enough that he slips in the mud twice before finally making it to the tallest ride at the carnival. He climbs the loading platform and when he peers inside, Rey is huddled in a ball, her face buried against her knees as she hugs them to her chest. Her little shoulders are shaking with sobs and Ben flings the door of the cab open, crouching down in front of her. “Rey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wants to shake her and scold her for running away but when she lifts her head, the skin of her face is tinged a scary blue color and Ben’s heart sinks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben?” she asks and her eyes look unfocused, almost cross-eyed as she gazes up at him. Her shoulders hadn’t been shaking with sobs at all, Ben realizes, she’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>shivering. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Ben, I’m cold.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugs off his flannel button-up and wraps it around her shoulders. “Rey. Hold on.” He pulls her close, wrapping his arms around her and hoisting her against him as he lurches to his feet. He’d been so worried about her running away or getting kidnapped that he hadn’t even considered what the cold and rain might do to her in her condition. “I’ll warm you up,” he promises.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey curls into his chest but doesn’t say anything and the way she’s shivering makes him panic. He power-walks to the parking lot and when he opens the truck door, he grabs the Pendleton blanket that Han has draped over the seat and wraps it around Rey’s trembling body. Her lips have taken on a darker shade of blue and when Ben starts the engine, he turns the heat up all the way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Abandoning Ashley isn’t even a thought in his mind as he puts the truck in reverse and peels out of the parking lot. He has to get her to the hospital, to Maz and the doctors who will know what to do to help her. He tries to talk to her, to ask her about the cotton candy or if she’s feeling warmer but she groans in response.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re almost there,” he keeps promising, repeating it over and over, because he doesn’t know what else to do to help her. He’s sixteen and Rey is practically convulsing in the seat next to him and all he can think is </span>
  <em>
    <span>please don’t die.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the hospital, he pulls into the closest spot he can find and lifts Rey out of the truck, blanket and all. He’s no sooner through the doors to the cancer ward than Maz is shooting out of her spot behind the reception desk, running towards him. “What happened?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She got caught in the rain,” Ben explains as Maz helps him lower Rey onto a gurney. He tries to follow after Maz as she wheels it towards Rey’s room, but the look of disappointment and anger she flashes at Ben stops him in his tracks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait here,” she commands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben paces, waiting for Maz or a doctor or anyone really, until his legs start to shake and he has to sit. He watches as doctors come in and out of Rey’s hospital room and finally, he gets tired of waiting and moves towards the door, peering inside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey’s face is still blueish, or at least what he can see of it beneath the large oxygen mask she has on, but she isn’t shivering anymore. She isn’t moving</span>
  <em>
    <span> at all </span>
  </em>
  <span>and that makes Ben inch further into the room towards where Maz is watching the doctors check Rey’s vitals. “Is she… What’s wrong with her?” Ben is shocked when his voice reaches his ears. He sounds so young and lost and this time Maz looks at him with a softer expression, as if she is remembering that Ben is just a child too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pneumonia? An infection?” Maz shrugs. “We won’t know until they’re done with their tests.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Ben says and his nose itches and his eyes sting. “I didn’t mean…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maz puts a soothing hand on his back. “I know you didn’t…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the doctors are done, they leave Rey to rest but when Ben sits in the chair next to her bed, he can’t help but think she looks like a corpse. If not for the click of her throat as she inhales the oxygen, he’d think she was gone. “Rey,” he croaks and he knows he should let her rest, but he selfishly wants her to say something, to open her eyes, to smile at him how she always does.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her eyelashes flutter and when he takes her hand, her eyes dart around the room before landing on him. There’s a glassy look to her expression that makes his stomach churn and he hopes it's because of some type of medication they gave her and not because there’s something wrong with her brain. She tries to say something under the mask but her lips just make strange smacking noises and she gives up, letting her eyes flutter shut.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben squeezes her hand, hoping she’ll open her eyes again, but she doesn’t. Her little hand is cold and limp in his and even though her heart rate monitor is beeping somewhat steadily he panics for a moment that she’s gone. He squeezes again and when he speaks, his voice is shaky, “Rey, I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t hear him, he’s sure of it -- she’s so far into her unconsciousness that her eyes don’t move under the lids like they do when a person is dreaming. He has so much he needs to apologize for but he can’t find the words so he presses his lips to the cold little hand clutched in his own. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs against the skin and it’s so thin and dry it feels more like paper than flesh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t want the last thing she heard to be Ashley’s cruel words or for her last memory to be huddled cold and alone and sad in a shitty old ferris wheel.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben only realizes he’s crying when he tastes the salt from his tears against Rey’s hand as he apologizes into it over and over. The apologies turn to pleas as he begs her not to die. “I shouldn’t have left you alone with Ashley, I shouldn’t have brought her at all, I shouldn’t have wasted so much time with her when I could be here with you.” All of his guilt comes tumbling out at the thought of losing her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey is so good, Ben thinks, and she doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve anything that’s been thrown at her in her sad six years of life -- not her parents leaving her, nor the cancer, not dying this way. He’d trade places with her in a second if he could; she was so much more worthy of life and love and happiness than him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No amount of begging or pleading or crying helps, Rey is still and lifeless in bed and Ben knows that her little body can’t handle pneumonia or an infection. She won’t make it and it hurts because he wishes it were him instead. No one would miss him, no one would…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A hand falls on his shoulder and when he blinks up through his tears, Han is there, looking at him sympathetically. “Son…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dad…” Ben sobs. “I… Rey…” He doesn’t know how to explain what happened, what’s going to happen. Before Ben can even try, Han has him wrapped in his arms and he feels like a child again as he cries against his father’s shoulder. When was the last time Han did this? The last time Ben </span>
  <em>
    <span>let </span>
  </em>
  <span>Han do this?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Han,” Another voice says, this time much calmer and when Ben raises his head, Leia is standing in the doorway, clutching her purse awkwardly. “Let’s go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, Benny,” Han says, rubbing Ben’s shoulder and Ben doesn’t have it in him to snap at Han for calling him that. “Rey needs rest right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s too upset to argue and Han’s arm tightens around Ben, ushering him from the room. He looks over his shoulder at Rey one more time, praying that she’s awake when he comes back again tomorrow so that he can apologize. He needs one more chance to make everything okay. To make Rey happy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Empty</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Rey’s bed is empty the next day when Ben returns and so, too, is his head. And his heart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her journal is gone; and so are her poetry books and the baseball cap she’d taken from him the first day they met; the pictures he’d printed out of their sleepover party; the pom pom hat he made her; the stuffed animal he’d bought her from the gift shop last time she had an infection. Everything, all of it, gone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just like Rey. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Gone.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. June 2007 to January 2021 - Ben's POV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.</p>
  <p>Meanwhile the world goes on.</p>
  <p>          -Wild Geese by Mary Oliver</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>He’s too late, Ben realizes and his mind doesn’t quite want to believe it. His feet carry him a few steps further into the room and his eyes dart around, trying to find any sign of her but it’s as if she’d never existed at all and his whole body feels as if it’s going to give out right under him. </p><p> </p><p>He can’t believe she’s gone; he <em> refuses </em> to believe it because her existence has been erased from the room so cruelly that it’s inhumane. She had so little in the world to call her own that Rey would never have wanted her things thrown out. She would want him to keep it or perhaps she would want the next little girl in this room to have it.</p><p> </p><p>A thought occurs to him, perhaps he has the wrong room. Maybe he’s one room off and Rey is next door picking her nose and reading a poetry book like he’s caught her doing so many times before. He tries desperately to convince himself of that even though he knows he’s in the right room -- his feet carried him here like they had dozens and dozens of times before without thinking.</p><p> </p><p>Ben turns around and stalks from the room to check the number on the door, just to be sure. It’s the right room and his chest feels tight when he realizes it. He refuses to turn around; he doesn’t want to see her empty bed and he especially doesn’t want to think of the implications behind it.</p><p> </p><p>“Where is Rey?” he asks a nurse who is hurrying past the room and she turns to give him a confused look. “The little girl from this room?” </p><p> </p><p>The nurse shakes her head, like she doesn't know Rey and it makes him angry because she’s been in this hospital for months and she’s the brightest thing in the universe and it’s a literal affront for someone to not know Rey.</p><p> </p><p>“Ben,” he hears Maz’ familiar voice and when he turns around, the older woman is looking at him with surprise written all over her face.</p><p> </p><p>“Where is Rey?” he asks again and if he weren’t experiencing so much dread, he would hate the way his voice quivered. But for now, he is past caring and he can only prepare himself for the inevitable heartbreak when Maz tells him what happened. </p><p> </p><p>Ben is afraid -- part of him doesn’t want to know because he can never come back from it. Not knowing is easier because he can tell himself she’s alive. But then he remembers her pale skin and blue lips and the way she’d shivered in his arms. He can’t stop thinking about the sounds she’d made trying to breathe or the way her eyes were glassy and unfocused when she looked at him.</p><p> </p><p>His chest is tight and it’s hard to breath and he knows it’s his fault that Rey is dead. He wishes he’d never taken Rey to the carnival and that he’d never met Ashley Collins. He would have spent more time with her when he had the chance. She never would have heard all the awful things Ashley had said. The carnival should have been just the two of them; it should have been sunny, he should have taken her on the ferris wheel like she’d wanted. Rey would still be alive and now he’ll never see her toothless smile and Ben can’t breathe.</p><p> </p><p>He sinks to his knees and when they crack against the floor, an excruciating pain shoots up his thighs at the impact but it’s still nothing compared to the pain in his chest. He grabs at it, trying to claw his heart out of his chest as it breaks.</p><p> </p><p>“Ben,” Maz rushes forward and takes his shoulders. “You’re going to give yourself a panic attack. Close your eyes and breathe…” She helps him to his feet and guides him to a chair, stroking his head gently.</p><p> </p><p>He can’t calm down. He wants to bat her hands away and scream at her to bring him to Rey, but his chest is heaving and he struggles to even suck in some air. “R-rey…”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t know?” Maz asks and when Ben’s eyes meet hers, the older woman looks so confused. “Rey, she’s been transferred.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben sighs a breath of relief. “She’s okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“I… I don’t know. She was in bad shape when they took her last night.” There is a pain in Maz’ voice too and he knows that despite seeing many patients pass away, Rey is different. Like Ben, Rey had touched Maz in a way that wasn’t easy to forget.</p><p> </p><p>“Took her where?” Ben urges. Maybe it's not too late. He can still apologize to Rey; There’s still a chance to make everything right. He can pray to God or beg the doctors or sell his soul -- whatever it took to make sure that Rey would make it.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s at a children’s research hospital down south somewhere. Tennessee I think,” Maz says and then looks at Ben with confusion. “Your mother didn’t tell you?”</p><p> </p><p>“She knew?” Ben’s brows furrowed. Leia had said nothing to him last night when she’d made him go to bed or this morning when she’d forced him to eat eggs and toast (that were still churning in his stomach) or even when Han had handed him the car keys to return to the hospital. If Leia knew, she’d kept him in the dark.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, yes. She was the one who pulled the strings. She has a client on the board at the hospital and it's one of the best in the country that deals with childhood cancer,” Maz explains and then leans against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest. “She really didn’t tell you?”</p><p> </p><p>Ben clenches his jaw. Why would she? Why would she ever break the news to him herself? She knew he would be mad, she’d arranged all of this knowing how painful it would be to see Rey go. She’d purposely planned it and for who knows how long? Had she been ‘pulling the strings’ for days or weeks or even months? All this time she’d known that Rey was going to be taken away and she hadn’t told him. Did Han know? He blinks back angry tears and tells Maz, “I have to go.”</p><p> </p><p>He’s so angry that he can’t remember walking to the parking lot or getting in the truck or even driving back to his house -- he’s operating in auto-pilot mode. In his mind, he’s going over everything he wants to say to his mother; and he’s so angry that it’s not just because of Rey. He’s angry at how she had driven Han away, at how she’d always prioritized work, how she hadn’t bothered trying to be there for him while he was sick and now on top of it all, there was taking away the only good thing in his life.</p><p> </p><p>When he walks into the house, he storms into the kitchen where Han and Leia are sitting at the island and neither one of them looks up from their cups of coffee at him, though they both know he’s there -- he’d made enough noise slamming doors and stomping his way in for them to ignore.</p><p> </p><p>“You sent Rey away,” Ben accuses and his chest heaves as he says it.</p><p> </p><p>“Ben, calm down,” Leia says. “Sit down and we’ll talk about this like adults.” She motions to a chair and Ben shakes his head.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck that. And Fuck you,” he spits. His fists are clenched so hard the tendons are straining in his wrists and if his nails were longer, surely they would have punctured the skin on his palms.</p><p> </p><p>“Benjamin Solo, watch your langua-”</p><p> </p><p>“No!” he shouts. “You sent Rey away and then hid it because you’re a coward. You couldn’t even tell me to my face so don’t lecture me about talking like adults when you can’t be bothered to act like one.” He isn’t worried about being punished or grounded. He’s already lost the most important thing to him. “Rey. She was…” Ben swallows because words can’t even describe what Rey is to him. His best friend, a sister, a kindred spirit, a soulmate.</p><p> </p><p>“Ben, it’s for the best,” Han turns to look at him and while his eyes are bloodshot like he’s been crying, his demeanor is calm. “She can get the care she needs.”</p><p> </p><p>“She can get the care she needs <em> here, </em> ” Ben insists, and when he looks at Han, he can’t help but feel betrayed even though he’d <em> known </em> not to put any faith in his father. “You said you were going to foster her. You had a room for her and now it’s just not going to happen?”</p><p> </p><p>“It was wishful thinking,” Han says and Ben doesn’t miss the way his eyes go to Leia.</p><p> </p><p>“Wishful thinking? Is that what <em> she </em> told you?” Ben grits out. “She says no and that’s that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ben, it’s complicated. You don’t understand how difficult trying to make a marriage work is,” Han begins and he runs a hand through his hair as he glances between his estranged wife and his son.</p><p> </p><p>“A <em> marriage </em>?” Ben asks incredulously and he almost wants to laugh. “You think this is a marriage? You can barely stand each other and you definitely can’t stand the child you have together.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ben, that’s not true,” Han insists and he finally stands up, a little bit of fight returning to his face as he takes a few steps towards his son. “You know I care about you. The past few months…”</p><p> </p><p>“Aren’t enough to make up for the past ten years!” Ben interrupts. “You’re a coward and a disappointment and I’m glad that Rey never got the chance to realize that.” To say the look on Han’s face was heartbroken was an understatement. Ben had cut true and deep but he wasn’t done. “I’m finished. I don’t want a relationship with you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ben,” Han squeaks out but his son has already turned his attention towards his mother.</p><p> </p><p>“I <em> hate </em> you,” Ben hurls at Leia and he sees her shiver at the venom in his voice.  “You are selfish and self-righteous and you’ve taken away the only person who cares about me…”</p><p> </p><p>“You were devastated last night Ben,” Leia shoots back and she raises her voice above his. “How do you think it felt watching you fall apart like that? Every time that little girl got sick, you fell apart and I had to watch it and…”</p><p> </p><p>“And it was painful for <em> you </em> ,” Ben points out and wipes at the angry tears in his eyes. “Everything is about you. I have cancer and it hurts <em> you </em> ; I can’t see my own father because he doesn’t want to be with <em> you </em> ; I’m not allowed to have a best friend because me worrying about her is hard for <em> you </em> to watch. You, you, you. Everything is all about you and always will be. You’re a fucking adult and you can’t pull your shit together to do what’s best for your sixteen year old son!”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t you dare!” Leia shouts back at him. “I have done everything for you. I’ve worked myself to the bone so you could have a nice home and nice things. So that you wouldn’t be sad about your father not being around. And now Rey has a chance of surviving and…”</p><p> </p><p>“And what? I should be thanking you?” Ben scoffs. “I will <em> never </em> forgive you for this. <em> Never. </em>” With that, he turns on his heel and storms up to his room, slamming the door shut and locking it behind him.</p><p> </p><p>He spends the rest of the night googling children’s hospitals in Tennessee; trying to figure out any way that he can reach her, but when he calls, the hospital won’t even confirm whether she’s a patient and Ben wonders if he’ll spend the rest of his life unsure of whether Rey beats her cancer or succumbs to it.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Ben keeps Rey’s stuffed flamingo on a shelf in his room, his last memento from his best friend, and in many ways, it becomes his mascot. He decides, as soon as it takes residences on the shelf above his desk, that he’s going to become a doctor. There’s nothing he can do for Rey now, and he isn’t even sure where she is or how she’s doing, but maybe there’s someone out there like her.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe he’ll cure Leukemia one day.</p><p> </p><p>He pours all of his time into studying -- its a distraction from the fact that he has no friends and it gives him an excuse to avoid his parents. </p><p> </p><p>Han stays in Chicago for another three months before he’s back on the road and Ben tells himself that he doesn’t care. Rey was the only thing that was keeping their relationship together anyway, and he had forsaken Rey and in the process, his relationship with Ben. </p><p> </p><p>Leia files for divorce in Ben’s senior year of high school and he thinks it should make him sadder than it does, but everything feels like it's at the end of an era anyway. He’s already gotten accepted into Duke’s pre-Med program and he doesn’t ever plan on returning home once he leaves for college.</p><p> </p><p>Han comes to Ben’s graduation, and at that point it’s already been over a year since he’d last seen his father. After he walks the stage and receives his diploma, he reluctantly agrees to dinner with Han but only because his hippy uncle Luke is in town for the graduation and the only thing worse than dinner with Han is dinner with Luke.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you excited for college?” Han asks Ben. Dinner is at a greasy diner that Ben suspects is the only place his dad can afford.</p><p> </p><p>Ben shrugs and tries to cut through his rubbery chicken-fried-steak. “I guess.”</p><p> </p><p>“Pre-med school,” Han whistles. “I’m proud of you.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben glares at him, thinking for what must be the millionth time that neither of his parents have any right to be proud of his accomplishments. He says nothing and drops his attention back to his barely edible steak -- he’s past his anger and frustration and all that’s left when he thinks of his parents is indifference. When he leaves for college, he doesn’t care if he never sees either of them again.</p><p> </p><p>Han clears his throat after a few minutes of silence, “I wanted to see you more. Growing up.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben grunts in reply because this isn’t a conversation he wants to have. There isn’t anything that Han can say that will make Ben feel sorry for him. At the end of the day, he <em> could </em> have seen Ben more if he’d really wanted to.</p><p> </p><p>“Your mother,” Han begins and he clears his throat again. “There were always conditions. Only if I had a job or if I moved back in or if I had a place in town. No matter how hard I tried, it seemed like there was something I was doing wrong.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben wants to snap, wants to tell him that’s what courts are for. If he’d wanted to see Ben, he should have fought to make it happen. But he’s not a kid anymore and he knows that if Han never saw him, it’s because he didn’t want to. He was probably too ashamed of his shitty life and his bad choices to look Ben in the eyes, even when he was a child. In the end, he doesn’t say anything at all, just offers a shrug like he doesn’t even care that Han was never around.</p><p> </p><p>Han tries to continue the conversation, but Ben shuts him down by pushing his plate away and saying, “I’m tired. Can we leave?”</p><p> </p><p>When Han drops him off, there’s an extra car in the driveway and when he goes inside, his uncle Luke hands him a set of keys. “Congratulations, Ben.”</p><p> </p><p>Ben stares at the keys in disbelief. The one thing of monetary value that Leia had never given Ben was a car, probably because she was afraid of what it symbolized -- Ben’s ability to leave her behind. When he glances over at her, she has a sour look on his face and he knows that he’s right. </p><p> </p><p>He runs outside to look at it -- it’s a Volkswagen Golf from the mid-90s, over 10 years old and with a ton of miles on it and it smells a little bit like some kind of farm animal, but it's big enough to fit everything he needs for school inside and sturdy enough to make the trip to North Carolina in the fall. He gives his uncle what must be his first genuine smile in over two years.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Ben only goes back to Chicago one more time during college. Mostly he avoids his parent’s phone calls because they’ve taken up leaving biting remarks about one another and Ben isn’t interested in being involved. He doesn’t care if Leia didn’t let Han visit him or if Han purposefully showed up drunk to Ben’s 7th birthday party. </p><p> </p><p>It’s Christmas break of his freshman year, and by some miracle, Leia’s managed to guilt him into coming home for the holidays. He arrives home earlier than planned and is confused when he sees Han’s truck in the driveway. When he walks inside and finds his parents screwing each other in the kitchen and it’s the last straw as far as Ben is concerned.</p><p> </p><p>No one wants to see their parents have sex, but its even worse when Ben is all too aware of how toxic the entire thing is -- they hate each other and have spent their entire marriage taking it out on <em> him.  </em></p><p> </p><p>After that, he doesn’t return home again.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Ben spends summers and holidays during college working to save money. Betweens loans and his part-time job, he’s self-sufficient enough that he doesn’t have to rely on his mom for money or ask for help. He finishes pre-med at the top of his class and easily gets into med school.</p><p> </p><p>His social life takes a hit -- he doesn’t party and except for a few fumbling and short-lived relationships, Ben prefers his solitude. He’s got goals, afterall.</p><p> </p><p>Rey’s flamingo follows him from his door to his first off-campus apartment and when he graduates from medical school, he takes it with him to Minnesota where he does his internship at the Mayo Clinic. He calls the flamingo Rey, and when times get tough, he finds himself talking to the stuffed pink bird.</p><p> </p><p>When his internship is over, he is offered a residency at Northwestern in Chicago and he doesn’t accept it because he’d be moving back to his hometown, in fact, he doesn’t tell Han or Leia or anyone else. He takes the job because it’s Chief of Medicine Martin Snoke has built one of the best Oncology units in the country and Ben has caught his eye.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>At 30, Benjamin Solo is the youngest head of an Oncology department in the United States. Fresh off his residency at Northwestern, Ben had been offered the role when he identified, diagnosed and successfully treated the former vice president of the United States’ colon cancer -- shooting him to near superstar status in the medical world.</p><p> </p><p>Truth be told, Ben had an eighty-five percent success rate in treating patients with even the most aggressive cancers and that brought some of the richest and most powerful people in the country to Northwestern for treatment.</p><p> </p><p>He was Snoke’s Golden Boy.</p><p> </p><p>One would think that would mean that Ben led a glamorous life -- but anyone who knows Ben would tell you that he is one of the most stoic and serious people in the universe. Every day, he wears the same white coat over his gray scrubs. He styles his hair the same way, keeps his face baby smooth and his clothes impeccably pressed. He eats the same cobb salad from the cafeteria, and follows it up with a rigorous workout routine in the gym every day from 2 to 3 pm.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t socialize, he doesn’t attend hospital galas or fundraisers unless forced to, and he is shockingly single despite being quite handsome (the nurses insist it’s a combination of his ego and his temper that seems to turn women off). He’s made countless interns cry, refuses to play nice with other departments and famously <em> never </em> smiles (there were rumors that he’d smiled only once before when Dr. Hux pulled a muscle in the hospital gym and cried like a baby).</p><p> </p><p>Dr. Benjamin Solo is predictable and boring, and because of that (or perhaps in spite of that), he’s one of the best oncologists in the country.</p><p> </p><p>The only interesting thing about Dr. Solo, and the subject of much debate and rumor, is the pink flamingo he keeps on the filing cabinet in his office. The flamingo he calls Rey.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The next chapter will be Rey-centric and lead up to the point where Ben and Rey meet again (In Chapter 10! :D). I plan on posting the next chapter on Tuesday and if you're curious as to why I'm posting so many updates, the reason is<br/><a href="https://mobile.twitter.com/jeeaysee0925/status/1362220989581586434">HERE</a><br/>I thought about Ben thinking that Rey died and Leia not telling him otherwise so that when they meet again in the future Ben could be shocked to find her alive. BUT, Leia is not evil. Her whole point in sending Rey away was so that Ben didn't suffer over her potential death. So letting Ben suffer and think she is dead seemed counter-intuitive if that makes sense. So now he's in a Schrodinger's Cat kinda situation where he has no idea if she lived or died and Leia thinks that's easier on him. </p><p>I promise that I will reply to all the comments from the last chapter tomorrow as reading and replying to them makes me so happy. I'm just so tired (worked my buns off to get this out in 24 hours notice) and I have to work tomorrow so I'm going straight to bed. Thank you so much for reading and being so generous and always leaving kind comments for me to read. Despite the heavier subject matter, this fic is truly a joy to write &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. June 2007 to January 2021 - Rey's POV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I've updated tags because of the nature of Rey's cancer so please read them before continuing. I apologize if anyone feels upset by the new tags, but I feel like there are certain issues that will arise and I want to make sure that it is tagged properly before we get there.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>The dream of my life  </p>
  <p>Is to lie down by a slow river    </p>
  <p>And stare at the light in the trees–   </p>
  <p>To learn something by being nothing </p>
  <p>-Entering the Kingdom by Mary Oliver</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>June 2007</p><p> </p><p>Rey is conscious only in short bursts on her journey to the new hospital. The first time she wakes, she’s got three medics standing over her and she’s strapped into a gurney. She’s scared and there’s no one there that she recognizes -- not Maz or Ben or Han or anyone else.</p><p> </p><p>The second time, she’s much more lucid and when she realizes she’s in a helicopter, her first thought is that she can’t wait to tell Ben that she got to ride in a <em> real </em> helicopter. “Ben?” She asks, but her voice is muffled through the oxygen mask she’s wearing.</p><p> </p><p>When she makes it to her new hospital room, she has a better idea of what is happening. There are three other kids in her room and all of them have cancer like her. One of them tries talking to her, but she can’t say anything through her mask and she doesn’t want to make new friends. She only wants to see Ben. She’s scared.</p><p> </p><p>Ben doesn’t come that day or any other day that first week and Rey holds on because she knows that Ben wouldn’t <em> really </em> abandon her. Despite everything that happened at the carnival, she remembers him finding her and carrying her and crying for her. He wouldn’t leave her after all of that, she’s sure of it. Ben loves her, she knows he does.</p><p> </p><p>But Ben doesn’t come. </p><p> </p><p>He never comes and her heartbreak turns to anger even after the treatment works and her hair starts to grow back and years go by with no illness.</p><p> </p><p>Rey is in fifth grade, and she’s been declared cancer free, when she realizes how far Illinois is from Tennessee. The reason why Ben hasn’t visited clicks, and some of her fury dissolves, but she still feels the heartache and she still wonders whether she will ever see Ben again.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p>April 2017</p><p> </p><p>She’s seventeen when she finds the book while pursuing her favorite used bookstore -- she comes two or three times a week because she wants to avoid going home. She doesn’t like her foster brother, especially not after she found the hole he drilled in their shared bedroom wall.</p><p> </p><p>The book is well-worn and the jacket has long ago gone missing, but she doesn’t care about that. It’s rare for Rey to find a published poetry book that she’s never read and this one, well, she hasn’t even <em> heard </em> of the poet. Luke Skywalker -- it must be a pen name because even <em> it </em> sounds beautiful.</p><p> </p><p>She pays for the book and then goes to the ice cream shop next door, and she eats her cone as she sits on the sidewalk outside, her back against the brick wall of the run-down strip mall. She opens the poetry book and sets it on her lap as she licks away, but she soon forgets about the ice cream cone even as it melts and droplets fall onto her arms and thighs and even the poetry book.</p><p> </p><p>This is the most beautiful poetry Rey has ever read and she’s only three poems in when it rips a sob from her chest. She wonders how it could be possible for a complete stranger to understand her soul, to put it into such beautiful words, to make her feel such things. She closes the book quickly, too overwhelmed and wanting to stretch out the experience. </p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>“Who do you think he is?” Rey asks and both Finn and Rose groan. She’s holding the book, turning it over in her hands gently, as if it’s made of something precious and breakable. She’s had it for over a week now and she can’t stop thinking about Luke Skywalker and his poetry.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh my god, Rey. No one cares,” Rose says as she settles down at the lunch table, her red plastic tray laden with two slices of pizza and a basket of fries. It’s momentarily distracting Rey from the book and her stomach growls.</p><p> </p><p>“Leave her alone. She’s in love with the mystery poet,” Finn teases and Rey sticks her tongue out at him. Rey had known Finn for almost ten years, ever since she was released from the hospital and into foster care. She’d been placed into the same home as Finn, and when she’d cried because she was scared and lonely, he held her hand.</p><p> </p><p>Finn had gotten adopted by a nice family a few years ago, and though it’s painful for Rey to continue from one shitty foster home to the next, she is happy for her best friend because she can’t think of anyone who deserves to be happy and loved and safe more than Finn. Even if he does tease her relentlessly. “I’m not in love,” Rey grumbles, though plenty of times she had imagined Luke Skywalker with dark hair and dark eyes, plush lips and a prominent nose, a smile that showed his crooked teeth…</p><p> </p><p>Rey blushes just thinking about it and opens the book, holding it up and pretending to read so that her friends don’t notice her pinkened cheeks. She hears Rose snort and knows that they’re onto her. “Suuuure…”</p><p> </p><p>Rey sets the book down and changes the subject, “Did you pick out your prom dress yet?” She knows that Rose will dive right into the topic because as much as Rey has not shut up about Luke Skywalker, Rose has not missed an opportunity to go into detail about her on-going dress debacle.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, so there’s this emerald green one at Dillard’s, right? But Paige wore an emerald green one to her junior prom so I probably shouldn’t…”</p><p><br/>Rey tunes Rose out, and the basket of fries on her tray captures her attention. They’re slowly going cold and soggy and Rey <em> knows </em> that Rose hates soggy fries so if she can just keep her talking long enough…</p><p> </p><p>“Rose,” Finn snickers. “She’s doing it again.”</p><p> </p><p>Rose stops mid-sentence and her eyes narrow at Rey, who is still staring at the basket of fries. “Seriously, Rey?”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Rey asks, subconsciously licking her lips and ruining any chance she had at looking innocent. “Are you going to eat those?”</p><p> </p><p>Rose sighs and hands over the basket of fries, “You are ridiculous, Rey. If you want fries, all you have to do is ask.”</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p>May 2018</p><p> </p><p>“Rey.”</p><p> </p><p>She’s sitting in the park, minding her own business, and trying to read when Jamie Basset squats down next to her. She’s got a new foster family, this time without a perverted brother, but now she’s got three foster siblings under the age of four and can’t think straight let alone read. All she wants to do is read in peace. “Oh, hi, Jamie.”</p><p> </p><p>“Um, I was wondering. Who are you going to prom with?” he looks nervous and Rey watches as he wipes his sweaty palms against his jeans.</p><p> </p><p>She isn’t planning on going to prom, even though it’s her senior prom and her last chance at a school dance. “I’m not going,” she tells Jamie with a shrug. She can’t afford a dress and she doesn’t want to always be third wheel with Rose and Finn.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” his face falls. “I see.” He’s silent for long enough that Rey thinks the conversation is over and she goes back to reading her book. But then he interrupts again to ask, “Why? Um, why aren’t you going?”</p><p> </p><p>Rey frowns. She doesn’t want to explain that she’s poor and can’t afford the tickets or the dress. Or that she doesn’t know how to dance. Or that --</p><p> </p><p>“I really like you. Have for a couple years actually,” Jamie says nervously. “I worked up the nerve to ask you and you don’t already have a date so…”</p><p> </p><p>Rey blinks. “You… like me?”</p><p> </p><p>Jamie nods, “Well yeah. I thought you knew. I thought everyone knew…”</p><p> </p><p>Rey doesn’t know what to say, mostly because she’s had no clue that anyone liked her. She’s convinced that she’s just blended into the background her entire high school career -- too boring to be popular, too plain to be considered beautiful, too quiet to stand out. To find out that someone has had a crush on her for <em> years </em>, is equal parts flattering and terrifying.</p><p> </p><p>“So, if you want to go, I’d love to take you,” he continues. “I’ve already bought tickets.”</p><p> </p><p>“Um, okay,” Rey agrees, though part of her is positive that he’s going to be disappointed.</p><p> </p><p>The smile he gives her is almost blinding. “Okay. Good! Great! I’ll pick you up then?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure,” she says and when he jumps up and waves, she watches him walk away with an awestruck look on her face.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Rose <em> flips </em>when she hears Rey got asked to prom, “We have to go dress shopping!” And when Finn gives her a look, she quickly amends, “Or you can borrow one of my old ones! Or one of Paige’s!”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Rey agrees and this time she takes the basket of fries from Rose’s tray without even asking. She stuffs a few into her mouth and adds, “Jamie said he’s liked me. For years.”</p><p> </p><p>Rose and Finn share a look and then grin at Rey, “Yep.”</p><p> </p><p>“You knew?” Rey asked, and it’s hard to disguise the surprise in her voice.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Everyone </em> knows,” Rose laughs. “Nick Reynolds likes you too.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey’s head is spinning because she doesn’t know how it’s possible that <em> anyone </em> likes her. She looks across the cafeteria and spots Nick Reynolds who is watching her with such a longing look on his face that her stomach flops.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry, Rose,” Rey says and there are tears streaming down her face when she manages to find her friends inside the conference room that has been converted into  a dance floor for prom. “For ruining your dress.”</p><p> </p><p>Rose’s eyes widen as she takes in Rey’s dishevelled appearance and the blood spatters on her dress. “Oh my God, Rey. What happened? Are you okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Rey nods through teary eyes, “Y-yes… I’m fine…”</p><p> </p><p>Across the room, the doors open and Jamie comes in, holding a wad of toilet paper to his nose and looking around. Rey darts to hide behind Finn. “What happened?”</p><p> </p><p>“I punched Jamie,” Rey whispers. “He kissed me and tried touching my boobs…”</p><p> </p><p>Finn doubles over in laughter and Rose sighs, looking at Rey in pity. “Oh, Rey. You’re going to die a virgin, aren’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Graduation is supposed to be happy, and Rey tries to be -- she’s alive and healthy and has reached one of the major milestones of life. But it’s hard to be happy when her world is coming to an end. Finn and Rose are going away to Alabama State and she’s aging out of the foster system with nowhere to go. College isn’t an option; she doesn’t have money and scholarships won’t cover all of the tuition let alone room and board.</p><p> </p><p>She’s thought about joining the military, but she’s much too soft-hearted and she can barely kill a bug let alone a human being. When she points this out, Finn snickers and points out that she didn’t have any trouble breaking Jamie Basset’s nose. “You could still apply for community college in the fall and then join me and Rose next year at Alabama State,” he suggests.</p><p> </p><p>Rey shakes her head. Finn deserves to branch out, to have privacy with Rose, to make new friends. And she isn’t sure what she would study anyway.</p><p> </p><p>All three of them, Rose, Finn and Rey, are sitting on the hood of Finn’s old car in their graduation caps and gowns. An hour ago, they walked the stage and Rey is officially an adult. No one came to see her walk the stage -- her current foster family doesn’t care about her any more than her previous ones and now that she’s officially graduated, she can’t stay with them anymore.</p><p> </p><p>She’s so scared of what the future holds and of how alone she is and she realizes that she hasn’t really felt this way since she woke up that morning in St. Jude and Ben wasn’t there.</p><p> </p><p>As if Finn senses her existential dread, he reaches over and takes her hand, “Come over and have dinner. My parents want to see you.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey nods and she gets in the backseat of the car. She likes Mr. and Mrs. Young and something about today’s sense of finality makes Rey feel like she should see them one last time. When she gets there, the first thing they see in the driveway is a brand new pickup truck.</p><p> </p><p>Mrs. Young has made fried chicken (one thing Rey has learned living in Tennessee for over ten years is that <em> everyone </em> eats fried chicken on special occasions, and <em> everyone </em> thinks theirs is the best). Hers might <em> actually </em> be the best and Rey grabs two pieces right away when she sits down, even though it's a little rude. She smiles sheepishly at Finn’s mother, “Sorry. It’s just so good.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t apologize,” she teases, “You’re always skin and bones.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey blushes and takes a bite because the way Mrs. Young looks at her makes it clear that she knows Rey isn’t well fed at her current foster home. “Thanks.”</p><p> </p><p>“So, Rey, what are you up to now?” Mr. Young asks carefully and when he glances at Finn, Rey has a feeling that her best friend has put his dad up to this conversation.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not sure. I guess I’ll get a job and find somewhere to live,” She tries to say it casually, but her voice quivers. She wants to be strong. She doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with people feeling bad for her -- she had enough of that in her first 18 years for a lifetime.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure you saw the truck in the driveway,” he hedges.</p><p> </p><p>Rey nods, “Yeah. It’s really nice.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s Finn’s. We wanted him to have something more reliable for the drives back and forth from school,” Mr. Young explains. “Which leaves us in a bit of a pickle with his car now. You wouldn’t be able to take it off our hands, would you?”</p><p> </p><p>Rey pauses and sets her chicken down on the plate, not sure if she’s understanding the question. “You’re giving me the car?”</p><p> </p><p>“Like I said, it would be a favor, really,” Mr. Young says and they both know that’s not true. They could sell the car and make a few thousand dollars but instead they’re pretending like she’s doing them a service in taking the car.</p><p> </p><p>“I couldn’t,” Rey shakes her head. She would always feel like she owes them something and she has nothing to her name already. What could she possibly offer in return?</p><p> </p><p>“I want you to have it,” Finn interrupts. “Technically it’s my car to give away.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re going to need a way to get to and from work,” Rose points out and Finn nods enthusiastically.</p><p> </p><p>As bad as Rey feels for taking the car, she can’t possibly turn it down. She’s leaving her foster home with nowhere to go, but at least with a car, she won’t be sleeping on a park bench. “Thank you,” Rey says quietly and she has to wipe a tear away.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t say another word about it,” Mrs. Young says soothingly and pats Rey’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Rey drives her new car back to her foster home and when she gets to her room, there are black garbage bags laid out on the bed. She knows what it means without anyone having to say a word: it’s time to leave. There will be no fancy suitcases or even cardboard boxes. She’s had to leave enough times to know that all she’ll get is a couple of garbage bags to hold all of her earthly belongings.</p><p> </p><p>She starts with the clothes, not bothering to fold them up before shoving them into the plastic bags. She throws out all her school books, but keeps the notebooks where she’s jotted little lines of poetry into the margins whenever she grew bored in class.</p><p><br/>The last things she packs are her most valuable belongings and she does it with extra care -- she tucks the pictures into pages of her favorite poetry books: one of her sitting on Ben’s lap as she blows out the candles on her first and only real birthday cake, one of her and Han playing poker, one of Maz with her thick coke-bottle glasses, several of Finn and Rose and Rey. Her best memories need to be kept safe.</p><p> </p><p>She packs away the hat that Ben had made her and the one she’d stolen and she thinks about him for the millionth time. She wonders where he is now -- did he marry Ashley Collins? Do they have fifty kids? Is he happy?</p><p> </p><p>As she looks at the picture of him, she realizes that it’s Ben that she thinks of when she thinks of Luke Skywalker and it’s silly to remember how much she loved him when he probably just thought of her as a dumb kid. And yet, she’s never thought about another boy the way she had with Ben and even now she can’t remember his last name.</p><p> </p><p>She’s tried to find him on Facebook but with no last name, it is literally impossible. There are thousands of Ben’s in the Chicago area. Besides that, there was a small part of her that still had him on a pedestal and didn’t want to see him happy with some other woman. </p><p> </p><p>She picks up the journal that Ben had given her and grins when she reads his note on the cover. She remembers what he told her, about how she would be a famous poet someday and he would buy all of her books. She’d never forgotten what it felt like to have someone who had so much faith in her.</p><p> </p><p>In her mind, and heart, he would forever be the awkwardly handsome fifteen year old that she fell in love with.</p><p> </p><p>The last book on her shelf is Luke Skywalker’s book of poetry and she stares at it. Once it's packed away, she has no reason to stay. She is free to do whatever she wants, to <em> go </em> anywhere she wants. And although she’s been telling herself for months that there is nothing she wants to do or become, there is <em> something. </em></p><p> </p><p>She wants to write poetry as beautiful as Luke’s. She wants to be able to create something that is beautiful and moves people and shows others her true soul without ever even speaking. To do that, she needs a teacher.</p><p> </p><p>She’s going to find Luke Skywalker, she decides as she stands up and carries her bags out to her new car. She’ll find him and he’ll teach her how to write poetry.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>When she tells Rose and Finn her plan, they look at her like she’s insane. “You can’t just show up at some random guy’s house.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. What if he’s a murderer? Or a rapist?” Rose adds.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s not,” Rey waves her hand. “Rapists and murderers don’t write about wild flowers and ducklings.”</p><p> </p><p>They’re sitting on Finn’s bed eating pizza while a Marvel movie plays on his tv in the background. She’s told them her plan, but she hasn’t told them about how she slept in her new car last night.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe he’s dead,” Rose points out. </p><p> </p><p>Rey reaches for Finn’s laptop and he grumbles as she closes out of the game of Fortnite he’d been in the middle of. She quickly types Luke Skywalker into the search bar and only one result comes up. “See? He’s alive. Living in Southern Illinois.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re going to drive all the way to Illinois and bother some poor guy?” Rose shakes her head. “You’re crazy, Rey.”</p><p> </p><p>“When are we leaving?” Finn asks, grabbing another slice of pizza and taking a large bite.</p><p> </p><p>Rey looks at him with wide eyes and for a moment she wants to beg him to actually come with her, but she knows it’s selfish. This is her whim, her life and dragging Finn or Rose along would be a mistake. They’re going off to college and Rey needs to come to terms with the fact that they are diverging down different paths in life. “I’m going alone.”</p><p> </p><p>“Rey, you can’t just go and --” </p><p> </p><p>Rose cuts Finn off with a kiss. “Sweetie, you’re a good friend, but let Rey do what she needs to do.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey gives Rose a grateful look, “I’m leaving in the morning. But I’ll only be a phone call away.”</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Rey falls asleep at Finn’s house and she leaves in the morning while Rose and Finn are still snuggled together on his tiny twin sized bed. She snaps one last picture of them on her phone before she gets into her car and drives away from Memphis. She still has the entire summer that she could spend with them, but it would only be putting off the inevitable.</p><p> </p><p>She’s got precisely enough cash to get her to Marion, Illinois where Luke Skywalker supposedly lives and not much more after that so she has to forgo breakfast and lunch in hopes that Mr. Skywalker will feed her when she arrives.</p><p> </p><p>She reaches Marion by noon and walks around the quaint little downtown area as she tries to work up the nerve to actually go to Luke’s home. Suddenly all the what-ifs occur to her and she worries that maybe Rose is right -- maybe Luke Skywalker is a pervert or a psychopath.</p><p> </p><p>But she has nothing to lose and everything to gain so she bucks up and drives the rest of the way to the address google provided.</p><p> </p><p>The dirt road to his home is lined with trees and white fencing and when she turns into his driveway, she thinks it's the most beautiful home she’s seen -- an old farmhouse with a wrap-around porch and stained glass windows on the upper floor. There’s a red barn with a quilted pattern on front and a pond surrounded by cattails. </p><p> </p><p>When she climbs out of the car, it smells distinctly like farm animals and she can hear the rushing water of a river nearby. She’s read enough of his poetry, has memorized some of the lines, that she thinks maybe some of them were even written right here. </p><p> </p><p>Her apprehension is gone, now replaced by giddiness as she hops up the steps and knocks on the door. A few long moments pass before she sees the shadows move behind the frosted glass of the front door and when it swings open, a bearded man stands before her in an old knitted sweater and a pair of baggy linen pants.</p><p> </p><p>Rey reaches into her back pocket and pulls out the poetry book and before she can say anything, he slams the door in her face. Rooted to the spot, either in shock or indignation, Rey’s jaw snaps shut and she calls out, “Mr. Skywalker?” but he doesn’t come back.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t know what to think or even how to feel about the entire encounter and he’s made it more than clear he doesn’t want to talk to her. On second thought, she knows <em> exactly </em> how to feel -- devastated. It’s one more disappointment on top of everything else. </p><p> </p><p>As she climbs back into her car, bitter tears fill her eyes at the culmination of a lifetime’s worth of disappointments. She has nowhere to go now and slinking her way back to Memphis isn’t an option -- that can’t be her life anymore and the fact that she hasn’t received one call or text from Finn all day proves it. </p><p> </p><p>Life moves on and everyone she cares about forgets her. She is no one and she has nothing. That’s the way it’s always been and Rey is at a crossroads: she must decide if that’s all she ever <em> wants </em> to be.</p><p> </p><p>She wipes at the tears on her cheeks and stares at Luke Skywalker’s home, even as the sun sets and turns the white farmhouse different shades of yellow and peach and tangerine. Even as it turns dark and the crickets begin chirping and even when the lights turn out.</p><p> </p><p>She’s tired of being nobody. She’s going to be <em> someone. </em></p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Rey is up before the sun and when the front door of Luke’s home opens, she leaps out of her car. She doesn’t make the mistake of saying anything at all this time, she only follows Luke silently as he stalks to the chicken coop and begins gathering eggs.</p><p> </p><p>The chickens <em> love </em>him and they all gather near his feet, clucking in excitement as he fills his basket with brown eggs and Rey doesn’t realize why they’re so excited until he grabs handfuls of corn kernels, tossing them into the swarm of hens.</p><p> </p><p>He says nothing as Rey follows him back out of the chicken coop, and she takes that as a sign that it's okay to continue following him. Next, he goes to a pen of goats and when Rey follows him in, he barks at her, “Latch the gate.”</p><p> </p><p>In shock, she turns to do so and is head-butted right in the ass by a brown billy goat. “Oh!” she gasps and when she turns, she pats the goat awkwardly. “H-hello then…”</p><p> </p><p>Luke snorts as he grabs another bucket and makes a beeline for a plump goat in the corner and Rey skirts around the playful young goats who are trying to headbutt her. Luke squats down and begins milking a goat and Rey watches carefully -- she’s going to have to learn to be useful if she wants to earn her keep here.</p><p> </p><p>Luke says nothing to her the entire time and mostly pretends she isn’t there -- she suspects that he thinks she’ll go away if he ignores her but he has no idea how stubborn Rey can be.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Rey waits until Luke’s lights turn out for the night, and then she uses the change she’s found in various cupholders and in the seats to buy a bag of chips and a gatorade from the convenience store in town. It’s been two days since she’s eaten and she can’t even wait until she gets back to Luke’s home to stuff her face with the chips.</p><p> </p><p>The next morning, she’s up before the sun and by the time Luke’s front door opens, she’s already fed the chickens and put a full basket of eggs on his front porch. When Luke finds her in the goat pen, trying (and failing) to milk one of the female goats and she hears him snort when she huffs an annoyed breath.</p><p> </p><p>“Make a circle with your thumb and forefinger,” Luke instructs, “And squeeze gently as you pull.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey does as he directed and gives a triumphant squeal as milk finally comes out and it startles the goat so much that she kicks the bucket over. When Rey finishes, Luke takes the bucket and heads back towards the house, turning to look over his shoulder as he calls, “Are you hungry? All I have is toast and eggs but…”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes!” Rey leaps up and practically runs up the stairs into his house.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>They don’t talk about poetry, or really much of anything at all in those first few months. Rey becomes a pro at tending to the chickens and goats and in return, Luke gives her a cozy bedroom on the second floor to sleep in. She suspects that he’s as lonely as she is and though he acts like she’s a burden, she still feels appreciated.</p><p> </p><p>He teaches her how to make the goat’s milk into cheese, how to bake fresh bread and he takes her for walks on the sloping hills and in the woods behind the farm. She learns how to sheer the two angora goats and spin the wool into mohair yarn. They sit on the porch in the evenings, usually drinking sweet tea or lemonade, and Rey reads from his book collection. One evening, she suggests that they get a beehive for next spring and Luke hums in agreement. </p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>One morning, she finds Luke fishing at the stream and when he hands the pole over to her, she watches as he pulls a notebook out of his pocket and begins to write and it's the first time she’s seen him do so, but she’s much too afraid to break their fragile relationship by speaking about it.</p><p> </p><p>Rey falls in love, a little more everyday -- not with Luke but with her life. She loves the chickens and the goats and the little ducklings that float on the pond. She loves the sunrises and sunsets, she loves her cozy little room -- the way the sun filters through the curtains and the bedsprings creak. </p><p> </p><p>On their first Christmas, Rey finds a little fir in the woods and drags it back to Luke’s. She sets it up near the fireplace and though she has nothing to decorate it with, it cheers up the living room. She makes Luke a new sweater out of the mohair yarn and he gifts her a wooden desk he made for her. When they carry it up to her room, she puts all of her things on it, her photos and poetry books and when she opens the drawer, she finds an old notebook filled with Luke’s scrawls.</p><p> </p><p>She reads it by the fire -- sprawled out on a rug and when Luke finds her, he says, “I haven’t written anything. Not in over twenty years. Not until you came.”</p><p> </p><p>When she reads the poems, she finds herself there and the fragile life they’ve built together too.</p><p> </p><p>*****<br/>Rey begins to feel stir crazy in February -- winter is stretching on unreasonably long and the goats and chickens are confined to the barn and their coops to keep warm. There’s no cheese to be made, the nannies have stopped producing milk and won’t again until the kids are born in the spring. Luke has a cold and wants nothing but to sit around drinking tea in his room so Rey decides to go for a walk.</p><p> </p><p>She pulls on Luke’s boots and follows the stream into the woods and when she finds a felled tree, she sits down to eat some of the bread she’d baked that morning. Winter on the farm is pretty too -- everything is covered in white, from the fields to the trees and even though she misses the chirping of birds, there’s something cozy about how quiet it is when it snows.</p><p> </p><p>She hears a whimper and freezes mid-chew. When she stands up, she sees what she’d been so stupid to miss -- a plastic walmart bag, taped shut. She shuffles towards it, startled when it moves and then when realization hits she drops to her knees and rips the bag open. Inside, a small dog, brown and white and whimpering and Rey picks it up in horror, wondering how a person could do such a thing to a defenseless animal.</p><p> </p><p>She opens her coat, smuggling it inside to keep it warm and she runs from the woods, stopping only to get a blanket from the barn to wrap it in. When she climbs the steps to the porch, Luke is waiting for her, watching her with narrowed eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Rey, what is that?” Luke asks, nodding at the bundle in her arms which is currently wrapped in the same blanket he uses to birth the goats.</p><p> </p><p>“Now, Luke, don’t be mad,” she says carefully, and she backs away as she looks at him with doe eyes.</p><p> </p><p>He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose -- sometimes he feels as though he’s dealing with a child and not an 18-year old woman. “We can’t keep the dog, Rey, because we have chickens and dogs like to <em> eat </em>chickens.”</p><p> </p><p>“BeeBee would never hurt the chickens,” Rey defends the whimpering pup in her arms, “And besides, he’ll scare away the foxes so it’s a win.”</p><p> </p><p><em> Great </em> , Luke thinks, <em> she’s already named the damn thing </em> , but all he says in return (through gritted teeth) is, “We don’t <em> have </em> a fox problem, Rey.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey frowns, “Someone just put it in a plastic bag and left it for dead. What was I supposed to do?”</p><p> </p><p>Luke thinks she’s too softhearted and it pains him to think how she’ll react when one of the goats or chickens passes away. She’d nearly cried when he suggested butchering one of the chickens to make soup. “If he kills any of the chickens…” he says warningly.</p><p> </p><p>“He won’t!” Rey promises and flashes him a smile so bright that it’s almost blinding. She kisses his cheek and darts into the house, “Come on, BeeBee. Let’s warm you up.”</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p>May 2019</p><p> </p><p>She’s been at Luke’s for nearly a year when she leaves her notebook on the kitchen table for him. He’s not out of bed yet, but she’s made a pot of coffee and a fresh loaf of bread and boiled eggs. Her nervousness has her jittery and she decides she can’t be around when he finally reads it so she goes out and starts on the morning chores.</p><p> </p><p>When she comes back in after collecting the eggs and milking the goats, Luke looks up at her with a gentle smile. “It’s lovely, Rey. So lovely,” and there are tears in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p>January 2021</p><p> </p><p>“Rey,” Luke says and he looks at her with sympathetic eyes. She’s been with him for almost three years and she is the dearest person in his life, which is why it pains him to watch her in pain. “I’m taking you to the doctor.”</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Rey says, clutching her abdomen as she stands. It’s been hard to milk the goats when it puts a pressure on her gut. But she won’t see a doctor about it. “I don’t have insurance,” she continues and that’s only part of the reason why she doesn’t want to go. She’s spent years in hospital rooms and has no intention of spending any more time being poked and prodded.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll pay for it,” Luke says and Rey has learned in the past three years that he is just as stubborn as she is.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Rey insists. “I’m fine, really.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not fine,” Luke bites and his face looks angry. “Go shower and change. We’re leaving in half an hour.”</p><p> </p><p>She decides to go through with it, if it’ll get Luke off her back but it’s probably just period cramps or kidney stones. She tells him as much on the car ride over, but he doesn’t back down and when she goes into the examination room, his usually stoic face is wrinkled in concern.</p><p> </p><p>They draw her blood and then the doctor tells her to change into a gown. Rey has never had a pelvic exam and when the doctor feels around and presses down on her abdomen, Rey decides she doesn’t like pelvic exams. “Let’s see what’s going on,” the doctor murmurs her as she lubes up a wand and turns on the ultrasound machine. Rey winces at the intrusion and is glad for the distraction as the doctor points to the screen. “See, it looks like you have a growth on your ovaries. Probably cysts.”</p><p> </p><p>Rey swallows, “Is that… bad?”</p><p> </p><p>The doctor pats her hand, “We’ll remove them if it's painful but I’m sure you’re fine.” She gives Rey a prescription for a pain medication and Luke brings her back home.</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p> </p><p>Rey gets a call two days later; her blood test results came back and showed a high level of the protein CA-125. When Rey asks what that means, the doctor tells her: ovarian cancer.</p><p> </p><p>Luke finds her curled in on herself in bed when he brings her lunch and she tells him what happened through choked sobs. She tells him everything -- about her Leukemia, about her hospital stays and the foster homes and when he takes her into his arms and rocks her, he promises that she’ll be okay. “M-my nephew. He’s a cancer doctor. He’ll help you, I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>*****</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This ended up being much longer than anticipated, but I was enjoying writing Rey so now you get an extra long chapter XD</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Evidence</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>            -Evidence by Mary Oliver</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey doesn’t leave her room much in the days following her appointment -- at first she feels numb to what is happening. Her cancer can’t be real and she’s so sure that it’s all some cruel joke. The doctor had said it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>cysts</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She’s not ready for cancer again and it doesn’t seem fair that it's a battle she has to endure not once, but twice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It isn’t fair and when she finally acknowledges that, the tears come again. She hasn’t done anything to deserve this. When she cries, she hears Luke pacing in the hallway outside her room as though he wants to help but doesn’t know how. No one has ever known how to help her except for Ben.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyone else cowers away from her pain or gives her empty words about how brave she is or how she’s going to beat the disease or apologizes. But not Ben, who would hold her hand, who would go out of his way to make her feel normal despite the disease, who made her feel happy and alive. She wishes Ben were here now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She cries for three days straight and on the fourth morning, she decides that laying around won’t change anything. She pulls on her favorite sweater and a pair of overalls Luke had given her and she climbs down the stairs -- perhaps she’ll feel better if she makes herself useful.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have any way to contact him?” she hears Luke ask. He’s got an ancient brick of a cell phone that rarely uses, but he’s on it now. He sighs and rubs his forehead and Rey crouches down on the steps, peaking through the railing at him. “Can you find a way to get a hold of him?” Luke asks, and there’s a desperation to his voice. “Of course I’ve tried calling his office and they won’t even put me through to him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey swallows and she can piece enough together to understand what he’s talking about -- he’s trying to get a hold of his nephew.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Damnit, Leia. He’s your son,” Luke grits out, and his voice cracks with emotion. “I need your help. Please.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey stands up and rushes from the house, sucking in breaths of air. The despair radiating off of Luke is suffocating and she can’t take it. Part of her wants to get in her car and drive away and never look back -- she’ll pretend cancer doesn’t exist and just let it take her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What’s the point? If she survives again, will it just keep coming back until she dies? She doesn’t want to suffer and she doesn’t want to watch Luke suffer alongside her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hens circle and weave in between her legs, doing little figure eights as they wait to be fed and Rey focuses on snatching up all the eggs from the nest boxes and then she finally puts fresh feed down. BeeBee waits for her outside the chicken coop, his tail thumping against the ground and Rey reaches down to pat his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If anything happens to me,” Rey swallows and crouches down. “You keep Luke company, ok? Don’t let him turn into a grumpy old hermit.” It’s mostly a joke because they both know that Luke already is a grumpy old hermit and she barely has time to stand up before Luke is stomping out of the house, a determined look on his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go put something nice on. We’re going to Chicago,” Luke says and Rey’s heart skips a beat because Chicago means Ben and always will.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She dusts her hands off and licks her lips, “Chicago? I still have to feed and milk the goats and it’s Tuesday so I have to check on the bees.” Excuses. They’re all excuses because she knows Luke is bringing her to the doctor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I already called Dameron. He’ll keep an eye on the farm for a few days,” Luke explains. Poe Dameron owns the orchard next door and they trade eggs and goat cheese and honey for his plums in the summer and his apples in the fall. He’s handsome and charming and Rey suspects that he doesn’t need their goods the way they need the fruit, but he’s a little sweet on Rey and always calls her ‘honey’ when he comes around.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I… I don’t want to go,” Rey says honestly, and when her eyes meet Luke’s they’re filled with tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please,” Luke says and he holds her by the shoulders. “Please, Rey.” He looks at her like a man who has already lost so much and can’t take the blow of losing one more thing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nods because she owes this man so much -- not just the roof over her head or the food in her belly but for the love and gentleness he’s shown her that remind her of Ben in so many little ways. “Okay,” she takes a deep breath and lets it out and then turns on her heel and marches inside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She takes her time in the shower, shaving and washing because she knows how invasively her body will be treated by the doctors. When she steps out, she towel dries her hair and puts it into a bun. She has no nice clothes -- the only dress she has is the one she wore to her high school graduation and it’s out of style but the only thing she owns that hasn’t been shit on by chickens.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she goes downstairs, Luke is wearing the sweater she made him and a pair of jeans that she’s never seen before. “My church jeans,” he says when he catches her staring.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey raises an eyebrow because she’s never seen him go to church, but he’s ushering her out the door without another word. Poe’s car is in the driveway and she spies him near the goat pen where BeeBee is busy licking his face. He stands when he sees Rey and the sympathetic look he gives her lets her know that Luke has already told him too much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about Bebe, honey,” he says, tucking a loose curl behind her ear. “Everything will be under control until you get back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey swallows and takes a step back, letting his hand fall to his side. “D-don’t forget the bees. The honey won’t be ready yet, so just make sure they’re happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Poe nods and gives a cheek salute, “Yes ma’am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And don’t let BeeBee near the chickens. I’ll never hear the end of it if he eats another one,” Rey sighs and gives a scolding look to her dog.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, Rey,” Luke calls. “It’s a five hour drive and if I know you, you’re going to want to stop and eat every hour.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey rolls her eyes at the exaggeration but slides into the passenger seat and waves to Poe as they back down the driveway. They don’t stop every hour, but they do get breakfast at the diner before leaving town and lunch again when they’re an hour outside of Chicago. Rey can’t stomach anything at all but she does eat cold fries from the takeout container as they make their way into the city limits. The taste reminds her of Finn and Rose and she thinks about when they last spoke a few weeks ago -- they’re engaged and plan on marrying next summer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke hands her a map of the city and she gives him directions to Northwestern and when they pull into the garage, he cuts the engine and turns to her. “Everything will be okay, Rey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wants to tell him that it's impossible to know, that she’s beaten the odds once and probably won’t be as lucky this time. She’s googled ovarian cancer and the prognosis is not great if it isn’t caught early enough and who knows how long it’s been festering. All she does is nod and try to give him the bravest smile she can.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke leads her inside and a directory tells them that the oncology department is on the 21st floor. The elevator ride is mostly silent and Luke bounces on the balls of his feet nervously as the elevator grows more crowded and it occurs to her that he probably doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>like</span>
  </em>
  <span> being around a lot of people. He’s here for her and she reaches for his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. It’s ironic that neither of them want to be here but they’re doing it for each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke gets off the elevator and begins to walk down a hallway when the receptionist calls out, “Excuse me. Do you have an appointment, sir?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He clears his throat and guides Rey to the check-in desk. “Dr. Solo is my nephew.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The receptionist’s eyebrows shoot up her forehead and she quickly looks at her computer screen. “Dr. Solo didn’t mention a visit and he’s quite busy so…”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Page him. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see me,” Luke says and it sounds like a lie even to Rey’s ears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The woman looks nervous as she picks up the phone and pages Luke’s nephew, and when she hangs up, they awkwardly stand at the desk and Rey almost tells him they should just go when her phone rings again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dr. Solo, yes. There’s a man here who says he’s your uncle,” she says and then lowers her voice as she replies, “Um, hm, yes I would say he looks like a homeless man…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey stifles a laugh as Luke rolls his eyes and when the receptionist hangs up, she looks at them both. “Dr. Solo said to wait in his office. He’ll be with you when he has a chance.” She tells them the room number and points them in the right direction.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The office is unlocked and Luke lets himself in. There’s a sterile looking desk and two chairs -- Rey takes one and Luke takes the other as they wait. It’s a boring office, there’s a couple of diplomas on the wall, but not much else that gives away anything about Luke’s nephew. How old is he? Rey wonders and it makes her realize she doesn’t even know how old Luke is. He’s old enough to be her father, or perhaps even her grandfather if he has a nephew who’s old enough to be a doctor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only thing in the room that gives it a personal touch is a giant flamingo on the filing cabinet -- it's at least three feet tall and there’s something about it that is familiar to Rey but she doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s a famous cartoon character.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke is quiet as he studies the office and they sit in silence for a half hour before he speaks, “Are you hungry or thirsty?” Rey shakes her head even as her stomach growls. She might throw up if she eats anything at all and she is grateful when Luke doesn’t push the subject.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another fifteen minutes passes and then a full hour and Luke says, “I wonder if he thinks I’ll leave if he keeps me waiting long enough.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey frowns, if that’s the case, he clearly doesn’t want to help and Rey isn’t one to beg. She thinks that’s a cruel game to play with someone who is emotionally and physically vulnerable. If this is how Luke’s nephew operates, Rey doesn’t want to meet him at all. “Let’s go then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Luke says. “He’s a good doctor, Rey. One of the best.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey thinks that it should be her choice, not Luke’s, but she’s realizing this is possibly a harder pill for him to swallow. She’s dealt with all of this before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still, the longer she’s kept waiting, the more nervous she becomes. She stands up and walks to the window, and from so high up, the cars on the street below look like ants. It’s distracting for a short time and then she begins to pace back and forth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The flamingo catches her attention again and she moves closer to examine it -- it’s cheaply made with felt legs and it’s stuffed with little foam beads that make noise when she pokes it. She thinks again about the cruelty of Luke’s nephew keeping them waiting and sees no harm in messing with him a little as well. She crosses back to her chair and digs around in her purse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” Luke asks as he watches her pull a pair of sunglasses from her purse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She grins and walks back to the flamingo, setting the glasses over its large beak. She’s about to present her creation when the door opens and she hears a deep voice ask, “What are you doing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey turns around, almost sheepishly at being caught and it’s not as though she’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>seriously</span>
  </em>
  <span> defaced his property, but she’s still embarrassed. She opens to her mouth to apologize, but she’s struck by such a strong wave of nostalgia that it almost brings her to her knees. The prominent nose and full lips and complexion dotted with beauty marks -- and even though his expression is angry -- she would recognize him anywhere. It’s Ben. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Her Ben.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s angry, very angry if the way he’s gripping his phone is any indication, and it’s clear to Rey that he doesn’t recognize her at all. She can’t blame him. He was already well on the cusp of manhood last time she saw him, and she had just been a bald and sickly child.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But still her eyes fill with tears and she rushes towards him, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben…</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ben feels irrationally angry when he walks into his office and finds some woman putting a pair of fucking s</span>
  <em>
    <span>unglasses</span>
  </em>
  <span> on Rey. He’s had to deal with a lot of questions and bullshit surrounding the pink flamingo over the years and he can handle the comments and rumors about why he has it because it’s nobody’s business. Rey the flamingo and Rey the cheery five year old are his own private memories that he keeps locked away and he doesn’t tell anyone because they’re precious and his and will only make others think of him as weak.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The protectiveness he feels over the toy is projection and he knows this -- it’s a toy and just because he named it in memory of the real Rey doesn’t mean it’s actually her. He can’t protect it any better than he had been able to protect five-year-old Rey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That reminder puts him in an even worse mood and if it wasn’t bad enough that he’s been pulled away from work to deal with his uncle and whatever it is that he seems to want and now he’s got to deal with this?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” he asks and when the woman turns around, she has the decency to at least look a little embarrassed and then her face crumples and she rushes towards him and something about the way she says his name triggers something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She reaches up, as if searching for something and he looks down at her, too confused to say anything at first until her fingers slid through his hair and she grabs hold of his ears. “They’re huge. It </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>you…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s about to be insulted and then he recognizes those hazel eyes and the way they shine with tears; her dimples too and what was once a toothless smile is now so brilliant that it makes his heart hurt. He can’t believe it as he reaches up, taking hold of her wrists. He’s hit with a memory so hard that it nearly chokes him -- he’s fifteen and he’s just shaved his head and the first thing out of little Rey’s mouth was a commentary on his oversized ears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“R-rey?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nods and smiles up at him as she finally lets go of his ears and throws her arms around his shoulders. “Oof you’re tall,” she mumbles against him and her feet dangle off the floor as she clings to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This can’t be real</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ben thinks, but he knows that she’s real because the tinkling sound of her laughter is still the same. Rey is alive. She’s alive and in his arms and he can’t help the grin that stretches across his face. “Is it really you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s overcome with the desire to look at her, to really see her, because the last time he’d laid eyes on her she was scrawny and scrappy and now she is all grown up. His hands drop to her waist and he laughs when she clings as he pries her off of him -- some things never change -- and sets her on the ground.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke clears his throat, “Do you two know each other?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben looks over at his uncle and he remembers why he had come to his office. “Uncle Luke.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Luke is your uncle?” Rey asks incredulously, and when Ben looks down at her he feels stupid for not recognizing her right away. She still gets those wrinkles between her brows when she’s thinking too hard. The same wrinkles she got whenever she read her poetry books. He wonders if she still reads poetry. Her eyebrows shoot up and he realizes he’s been staring at her a little </span>
  <em>
    <span>too </span>
  </em>
  <span>long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah. My mom’s twin brother,” Ben explains.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And how do you two know each other?” Luke asks, standing up and coming to Rey’s side. Ben notes his protective stance and realizes, suddenly, that Rey is with Luke.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She puts a hand on Luke’s shoulder and leans her weight against him and Ben’s mouth feels dry as she says, “Ben and I met in treatment. Chemotherapy. When we were kids.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can’t focus on anything but the sight of Rey’s little fingers curled around Luke’s shoulder and it makes his stomach churn. Rey is </span>
  <em>
    <span>with</span>
  </em>
  <span> Luke.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anger crashes over him again and he has to clench his fists at his side to keep from saying anything. He is horrified because Rey is too young and Luke is far too old, so his mind tries to reject the image of innocent little Rey and his uncle. Is the disgust clear on his face?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben clears his throat and turns his face away as he goes to his desk, “Anyway, what can I help you with?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s Rey,” Luke says, seating himself in the chair across the desk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben looks at Rey as she sits and finds that it’s hard to look at anything else. He didn’t think he would ever see her again and now she’s across from him. “Cancer,” she says with a shrug and Ben’s heart sinks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cancer?” Ben repeats and tries to keep his voice even. It isn’t uncommon to strike twice, and most people don’t know that childhood cancer puts you at an increased risk for other cancers later in life. That doesn’t make it right or fair. He had seen enough people die from cancer to know how close to the brink of death Rey had been and for her to grow up at all was a miracle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And now she had cancer again. He tries to cut off his emotions, the way he’s had to do with patients hundreds of times before -- he should be an expert at it by now but he watches Rey swallow and her eyes fall to the clasped hands on her lap and he’s taken back in time fifteen years. He doesn’t want Rey to die.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He clears his throat and asks, “What’s the diagnosis?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ovarian cancer,” Rey says and Ben cringes. “Yeah,” she says in agreement as if she already knows. It’s a rare cancer for someone as young as Rey but it’s still one of the worst as far as mortality, especially if it's metastasized.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What stage?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She was only just diagnosed,” Luke explains and he places a hand on Rey’s lap, covering her hand with his own. “I wanted to make sure she gets the best treatment so I brought her here.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Ben nods, “Okay.” He stands and tries his best to step into the doctor role, despite the dread he feels on Rey’s behalf and the repulsion of Luke’s relationship with her. “We’ll do some tests and figure out what stage and decide on a course of action from there. I have some appointments to finish up but we’ll start tomorrow, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke nods and lets Ben lead him to the door, “Sounds perfect. Thank you, Ben.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shakes his head as he walks them down the hall towards the bank of elevators. “Where are you guys staying?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke shrugs, “I figured we’d drop by your mom’s…”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Ben’s face goes pale and his need to protect Rey takes over. She can’t stay at Leia Organa’s home -- she’s sent Rey away once and Ben has no doubts that she’ll do everything in her power to hurt Rey again. “No. You can stay at my place,” Ben says quickly. “It’s right downtown here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke and Rey exchange a look and Ben doesn’t give them a chance to say no as he stops in front of the receptionist desk for the floor, “Bazine. This is my Uncle Luke and Rey. Can you give them directions to Giordano’s?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bazine looks surprised but nods and grabs a pen and paper to write down the directions and Ben turns his attention back to his uncle, “You guys go get something to eat and I’ll meet you outside at six.” Again, he gives no chance for them to argue as he nods at Bazine and turns around.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he goes back to his office, he sits at his desk and runs a hand through his hair. The breath he exhales is shaky and he laughs almost incredulously, glad that no one is around to hear him. He glances up at flamingo Rey and has to laugh again, because as mad as he had been to see someone touch what is undoubtedly his most prized possession, the fact that it’s Rey still has him reeling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Flamingo Rey is wearing a pair of sunglasses and it’s so </span>
  <em>
    <span>stupid</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but the amount of joy it gives him is off the charts. He hasn’t felt happy in… he blows out another breath and rests his chin in his palm. Has he </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> felt this happy? Rey is alive and she’s the same little imp now that she was then. No amount of hardship had changed her and Ben is </span>
  <em>
    <span>flooded </span>
  </em>
  <span>with emotion -- amusement and happiness and most of all, relief.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke and Rey are waiting for him outside of the hospital and Rey smiles when she sees him. “We brought you dinner,” she holds up a styrofoam container from Giordano’s and Ben’s stomach growls in response. The smile on her face is so pleased and so Rey that Ben could kick himself for not recognizing her at first sight.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks,” he says and takes the container from her and when their hands brush against each other, both startle and stare at each other with wide eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, your place?” Luke interrupts and Ben’s eyes dart over to where he is looking at Ben suspiciously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben clears his throat. “Yeah. It’s within walking distance but we can take a cab if you’re tired.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke shakes his head, “Walking is fine, right, Rey?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey nods, “Yeah it feels good to stretch my legs. It was a long car ride.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben watches from the corner of his eye as Rey loops an arm through Luke’s and they walk side-by-side. His fists clench at his sides and he doesn’t know why it bothers him so much -- yes, it’s gross but Rey is a grown woman. He doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to judge but the whole thing just screams daddy issues and it reminds him of how things might have been different if his lazy father had gone through with the adoption. Would she still be searching for someone to fill the hole being parentless has left?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ben thinks, because Rey would have been disappointed by Han. He knows that disappointment and though he hasn’t run out to sleep with someone three times his age, he understands how Rey ended up here. As disturbing as the entire thing is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the end of the day, it’s none of his business. Rey is his patient now and his number one priority needs to be keeping her alive. Her personal life can’t be his concern. He’s already crossed a line in allowing them to stay at his apartment. “Here we are,” Ben motions them inside a glass high-rise and they take the elevator to the tenth floor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he unlocks his door, he holds it open as Rey and Luke enter. He’s aware that his apartment is the epitome of modern masculinity and he doesn’t really keep anything personal around. There are no pictures, because he has no attachments -- no family or friends or lovers. There’s nothing cozy about his home; even his fireplace is electric and when he turns it on, the flames are an artificial fluorescent blue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben shows them the bathroom and the kitchen and pauses awkwardly at his door, “I only have one bedroom so you guys can take it.” He prays that they won’t have sex in his room. He can be detached and unemotional, yes, but his ancient uncle defiling his oldest friend, someone who has remained five in his mind for the past fifteen years… well, that might actually kill him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He completely misses the uncomfortable looks that pass between Rey and Luke.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke goes to shower and Rey uses Ben’s room to change into her pajamas. He tries not to think about anything at all as he stands at the kitchen counter and eats straight from his takeout container. What he </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> wants is to go to Rey and ask her a million questions about where she’s been and what she’s doing now. He wants to tell her about his life too, about how he became a doctor for her and that a day hasn’t passed that he hasn’t thought about her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But she’s his patient and he needs to remember the oaths he took as a physician. He can be friendly and cordial and when she’s in remission, maybe then they can be friends.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s unwilling to admit, as he throws away the empty container, that his unwillingness to go to her is not just because of the nature of their relationship. A strange feeling is nesting inside his chest, one he can’t remember feeling, and it takes him a while to realize what it is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can hear the muffled voices of Rey and Luke talking in his bedroom as he turns off the lights and settles onto the couch, pulling the only throw blanket he has over his body. It’s too small and he shivers as he strains to hear what they’re talking about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jealousy. That’s what the feeling is. It twists inside of him, and he feels it like acid in his chest and throat. He’d imagined meeting Rey again a million times and the thought of her alive and well and happy had gotten him through the absolute toughest moments in his life. But he had never counted on her growing up to be so beautiful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He closes his eyes and swallows and behind his eyelids, he sees Rey’s smile and her dimples and the soft freckles across her nose and cheeks. He sees her eyes which for some reason he’d always thought were brown, but when they had stared up at him today, glistening with tears of joy --</span>
  <em>
    <span> green.</span>
  </em>
  <span> The most beautiful shade of green he’s ever seen and his heart aches. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’s beautiful and he can’t have her.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes they ate deep dish pizza, yes it's real pizza and it's delicious and this is a fact not an opinion.</p><p>Now, the question is, how long do we let poor Ben suffer? &gt;:D</p><p>I can't advertise that thing I'm doing with St. Jude on this site because apparently fundraising is against the rules but I guess that makes us all bad bitches. Thank you so much! &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Benjamin, Who Came From Who Knows Where</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>Benny, I say,</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>don’t worry. I also know the way</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>the old life haunts the new.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>     - Benjamin, Who Came From Who Knows Where by Mary Oliver</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t sleep much -- between thinking about Rey and tossing and turning on a too small couch with his too small blanket, he finally gives up at about 4:30 and heads to his building’s gym. He’s showered and dressed for work when his bedroom door opens and Luke limps out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m too old for this,” he grumbles and shuffles over to where Ben is making himself an espresso.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Coffee?” Ben offers and Luke gives him a look.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That stuff will kill you,” he warns as he rubs his temples. “Do you have any tea?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben searches his cupboards and drawers and finally finds a box of chai that he bought last time he had a head cold. “Chai okay?” he asks and Luke nods.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you’re up. I was hoping to talk to you without Rey around,” Luke hedges as Ben puts a cup of water in the microwave to heat up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s shoulders stiffen and he takes a drink of his espresso, hoping desperately that Luke isn’t going to talk about his relationship with Rey. He’ll have to come to terms with it eventually, but that day isn’t going to be today. He sets his cup down as the microwave beeps and makes himself busy opening the tea bag and putting it in the hot water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke continues, “Rey… she doesn’t have insurance.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Ben pauses as he pours and looks up at Luke. That’s a problem because with no insurance, Rey is a financial liability. If there is one thing that Ben knows about the Chief of Medicine, it’s that Martin Snoke views medicine as a profitable business. If Rey can’t pay, then she’ll be shipped off to the county hospital, where there are no cancer specialists, no top of the line treatment, no chance of beating anything beyond stage 1 cancer…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke seems to catch the worried look on Ben’s face and says, “I’ll sell the farm if I have to. I’ll pay for everything. I just don’t want her to know, ok?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben watches as his uncle lifts the cup of tea with a shaking hand and when his uncle’s eyes lower, Ben thinks that Luke might actually be crying. “You really love her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Luke says, as if it’s obvious. “I never had children of my own. Didn’t think I ever wanted them and then one day Rey just showed up at my door out of the blue and wouldn’t leave and now I can’t imagine my life without her. You have to help her, Ben. She’s like a daughter to me. I can’t lose her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s like a bucket of ice water has been dropped over his head, or maybe he’s stepped into a blazing fire because his cheeks are prickling with heat and he knows his face must be bright red. The nausea that had twisted his insides seeing Rey cling to Luke and all the tossing and turning he’d done over thinking that Rey and Luke were lovers -- it was all for nothing/</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To say that Ben feels stupid is the understatement of the century. Of course Rey managed to worm her way into Luke’s heart, the same way she’d done with both himself and Han fifteen years ago.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your daughter?” Ben repeats and his voice cracks. He tries to keep the shame from his voice but it’s pointless because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>ashamed. Why had his brain instantly jumped to the conclusion that Luke and Rey were together?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Because you were jealous,</span>
  </em>
  <span> a tiny voice speaks in the back of his mind and Ben knows that it’s true. In all of his imaginings of Rey being alive and them reuniting, he’d never once pictured her as anything but the ill and mouthy little girl that she’d been back then. Yet another assumption that made him an irredeemable idiot.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t expected Rey to be so…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did you </span>
  <em>
    <span>think</span>
  </em>
  <span> we were, Ben?” Luke asks and when Ben raises his head to make eye contact, his glare is downright withering.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um,” Ben clears his throat so it doesn’t crack again and give away his guilt. He also really needs to think of something other than admitting he’d assumed his uncle was </span>
  <em>
    <span>sleeping </span>
  </em>
  <span>with Rey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bedroom door opens again and this time Rey makes an appearance, complete with a halo of staticky hair that has escaped her ponytail overnight. She shuffles towards them half-zombie and yawns as she says, “Good morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Coffee?” Ben offers, effectively putting an end to the conversation and for now Luke seems fine with that. Whatever Ben had been about to admit to, Luke was obviously in agreement that Rey should not hear it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” Rey agrees but when Ben puts the cup of espresso in front of her, she looks at the tiny cup. “That’s it?” She shrugs and lifts the cup to her mouth and chokes on the first sip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s espresso,” Ben frowns as Rey wipes her mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bitter,” she coughs and eyes Luke’s chai tea with interest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke sighs and slides it over to her. “You can have my tea.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks,” Rey smiles as she takes the cup and Ben is almost blinded by the smile. Fifteen years and Rey still manages to wrap everyone around her finger.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, I’m going to visit my sister today,” Luke announces and Ben hides his reaction. He wants to tell Luke not to tell his mother about Rey. She’ll take her away from Luke too. But Ben isn’t fifteen and helpless anymore and neither is Luke.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh! Ben’s mom?” Rey sounds interested and when Luke hums in agreement Rey says, “WIll you see Han too?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t think so. I don’t think they see much of each other since the divorce,” Luke explains.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben can feel their eyes on him as he cleans the espresso machine, but he’s not going to comment. “I should get going,” Ben says before he can get dragged into the conversation. He doesn’t want to answer questions about his parents -- he can explain to strangers that he has cut ties with his family because of their toxicity but he has a feeling that Luke will try to defend Leia and Ben doesn’t want to hear it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Rey says, “Should I come with?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can take your time getting ready. Do you remember how to get to the hospital?” he asks them both. “My colleague confirmed a 10:30 appointment with you. Don’t eat or drink anything else, just in case, ok?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey nods in agreement and watches Ben leave, then turns back to Luke, “Why was his face so red?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke snorts as he stands up, putting his hands on his hips and bending backwards to crack his back. “He thought we were </span>
  <em>
    <span>together</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The face Rey makes in response has Luke burst out in laughter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey takes her time getting ready -- she’s so used to life on the farm that starting her day at 10:30 just seems overly indulgent. Luke leaves the apartment at nine and hands Rey a $20 bill for lunch and although Rey doesn’t want Luke to leave her, she isn’t selfish enough to ask him to come along. She can sense that the city and crowds are driving him insane.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’s scared, yes, but she’s not going to drag Luke down with her. She’s gotten through cancer once on her own and she can do it again if she has to, she tells herself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She leaves at 9:30 but the walk to the hospital takes less than ten minutes, so she wanders a bit before making her way inside because just the thought of being alone and in a hospital fills her with such dread that only the fresh air outside can calm her. When she makes it to the 21st floor again, she stops at the counter and leans over to talk to the brunette working. “Bazine, right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>From the look the receptionist gives her, one of bored surprise, it’s clear that she doesn’t remember seeing Rey </span>
  <em>
    <span>twice</span>
  </em>
  <span> yesterday. “I’m Rey. Rey Jackson,” she continues. “I have an appointment at 10:30.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Take a seat,” Bazine waves in the direction of the waiting area as she turns back to her computer screen. “Dr. Hux will be with you at 10:30.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” Rey sits down and bounces her knee nervously. She’s wearing the same dress she wore yesterday and she was so afraid that people would notice, but the receptionist, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Bazine,</span>
  </em>
  <span> doesn’t even spare her a glance. “Have you worked here for a long time?” Rey asks -- anything to distract her from thinking about the situation she’s found herself in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bazine looks up from the computer and her lip </span>
  <em>
    <span>curls</span>
  </em>
  <span> for just a brief second before she goes back to typing away. She wants nothing to do with making small talk and Rey almost sticks her tongue out. Personally, Rey can’t imagine any job more boring than sitting in front of a computer at a hospital -- but maybe part of the problem is that Bazine hasn’t spent much time as a patient in one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey scowls and grumbles to herself, “What kind of dumb name is Bazine anyway?” If the receptionist hears her, she gives nothing away and Rey crosses her arms and goes back to her nervous fidgeting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She can’t decide what she hates most about hospitals; the antiseptic smell that barely conceals the stench of illness and death or maybe it’s the noises -- beeps from machinery and overhead announcements and murmurs of bad news spoken between harried doctors and mourning family members. Being here now, it's a wonder she was ever able to relax in a hospital.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She could thank Ben for that, she supposed. His presence had always been calming and he’d always gone out of his way to cheer her up. She remembers the constant infections that made her so sick she couldn’t eat or sleep and the way all her joints ached too much to walk some days. And then there were the days that passed where it was so hard to breathe that she wore an oxygen mask. All of that had been traumatic enough that she felt on edge being in the hospital.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Back then, the only thing that had kept her going was Ben’s visits. He’d bring her toys and treats (she still can’t eat peanut M&amp;Ms without thinking of him) and sit with her for hours -- even when she couldn’t talk through the oxygen mask, he’d hold her hand while watching TV or try to talk enough for the both of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She knows its stupid and cheesy and even a little childish to still think of him this way, but Ben had always been her hero. Her knight in shining armor. And </span>
  <em>
    <span>boy </span>
  </em>
  <span>did she have a crush on him back then -- one that had lived on all through high school even though all she had left of Ben was a picture and a million faded memories. Once in 9th grade, Rose had seen the picture of her and Ben from her birthday party and wouldn’t stop laughing about what a ‘dork’ Ben was. Rey didn’t talk to her for a full week, she was so mad at Rose for making fun of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’d spent so many hours staring at that one picture of him, that she’d almost forgotten what he’d looked like in those couple of months when his hair had started to grow back and he’d put on some more weight. Rey had thought he was handsome even when he was sick, but if five-year-old Rey knew what Ben would grow up to be…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey has to cover her cheeks with her hands because she can feel them getting pink. Her brain was still trying to process their reunion yesterday and she’d been so happy to see him that she hadn’t let herself even think about how good-looking he’d turned out to be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hair was so thick and dark and when she’d clung to him and her fingertips had brushed against it, it was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> soft. Softer than any man’s hair had the right to be. He still had the same solemn expressions he’d had as a teen, but he’d grown into his features and the large nose and plump lips didn’t look so out of place once his face had filled out. Then there was the smile he gave her -- one that felt so private and precious. Rey’s hands drop from her cheeks to her chest where she tries to calm her pounding heart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then there was his body, which Rey hadn’t consciously noticed at the time when she’d been hanging off of him in her elation yesterday but that she couldn’t stop thinking about since. He was massive; tall and broad and thick everywhere. A </span>
  <em>
    <span>man</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Ben had become a man and she’d laid in his bed thinking about how huge he was as she stared at the ceiling and breathed in his scent all night. If Luke hadn’t been asleep on the floor next to her bed, well… she might have done more than just </span>
  <em>
    <span>think</span>
  </em>
  <span> about Ben’s body.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She blushes as she admits this to herself and she almost has a mild panic attack when the object of her rather impure thoughts manifests himself before her, this time accompanied by a redheaded man. “Rey, this is Dr. Hux. He’s our department’s hematologist.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Rey shakes his hand and when she looks confused, he adds, “Blood. I do the blood stuff.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If that’s hard to remember, just think about how he looks like a vampire -- pale and anemic,” Ben interrupts and Rey thinks it must be a joke, but she doesn’t get it. Doctors are weird.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, nice to meet you,” is all she says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you’ll follow me, we’ll just get your bloodwork done,” Hux says and motions her along with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Needles don’t phase Rey, between blood draws, IV fluids and chemotherapy, Rey had spent a few years of her life being punctured on a daily basis so she sits patiently as Dr. Hux finds a vein and draws a few vials. While Rey is calm, Ben goes between pacing and looking over Hux’s shoulder to see what he’s doing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t draw too much or…” he begins but is cut off with a glare from Dr. Hux.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Or what?” Hux sneers. “Am I the hematologist or are </span>
  <em>
    <span>you?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s mouth opens and then closes, but he’s got those wrinkles between his eyebrows that Rey remembers mean ‘I am not happy right now’. He doesn’t say anything else, but he watches the entire procedure even when Dr. Hux continues to huff in annoyance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When it’s done, Ben tells Hux, “I want the results right away.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have other patients, you know,” Hux says as he labels the vials and puts them into a holder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“None as important,” Ben says and Rey has to fight her blush. “I want it on my desk by the end of the day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, sir,” Hux says sarcastically as he sits at his station and turns on his microscope.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben ushers Rey out of the room and walks her down the hall, “Your next appointment is with the gynecologic oncologist. She’s going to do a pelvic exam and I can stay if-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Rey says, her face turning red. She has no doubt that Ben has seen plenty of pelvic exams and maybe has performed a few of his own, but she doesn't want him to see her private bits like this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe he only views her as a patient and seeing her naked from the waist down would mean absolutely nothing to him, but it meant something to her. She wasn’t sure what she was to Ben anymore -- did he see her as a friend? As a woman? Or was she just a patient? Rey didn’t know if she was ready for that answer, though she knew she’d have to ask at some point.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Ben nods and he looks simultaneously uncomfortable and relieved. “I’ll see you in a while then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey nods and opens the door to the exam room. She sees a woman, taller even than Ben and blonde. She wears the same gray scrubs that Ben wears and when she turns to Rey, she gives a nod. “Hello. You must be Ms. Jackson?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. Hi,” she waves before the woman shoves a hospital gown into her arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m Dr. Phasma. Change into these and I’ll be back in five minutes,” she says before leaving the room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey strips down, despite the cold greeting she’d been given. One would think that someone who works regularly with cancer patients would have a better bedside manner. When she’s changed, she hops onto the exam table, trying not to tear the paper and leans back. This is the second time she’s done this in a week so at least she won’t be blindsided this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you ready, Ms. Jackson?” Dr. Phasma asks as she comes into the room and it seems that the question is perfunctory because she’s already pulling on a pair of latex gloves and moving closer to the exam table on her stool. She pops up the stirrups and Rey puts her feet inside as Dr. Phasma tugs her ultrasound machine closer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I’m… uh, go ahead.” It’s a strange feeling as Dr. Phasma inserts the ultrasound transducer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So,” Dr. Phasma watches the screen as she speaks. “You’re Dr. Solo’s cousin?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Rey’s brows furrow and she wonders briefly if that’s what Ben has been telling everyone. Should she pretend to be his cousin? “We’re old friends.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Phasma hums and ignores Rey’s wince as she pushes the transducer in further.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We met during chemo treatment when we were kids,” Rey explains and she’s only talking to distract herself from the discomfort of what Dr. Phasma is doing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The woman turns to look at her, “Dr. Solo had cancer?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey is surprised that he hasn’t talked about it. She’d assumed it was the reason why he’d become a cancer doctor. “Yeah, you didn’t know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Phasma hums again and turns back to the monitor. “You’re just full of interesting information, Ms. Jackson.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can call me Rey,” she says and tries to look at the screen -- anything for a distraction.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Phasma’s eyes snap back to her again and this time, a grin slowly stretches across her face. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Rey</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you say?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey as in Rey the flamingo?” Phasma presses and her grin widens.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? Rey the flamingo?” her brows furrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, that stupid giant flamingo he has in his office. He named it Rey.” Whatever disinterest Phasma previously had with Rey has vanished and she looks at Rey as though she’d the most interesting thing she’s ever seen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey blinks a few times as she thinks about the flamingo and it finally dawns on her why it’s so familiar. She feels her face heat up and she looks away from the other woman, suddenly confused and embarrassed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the exam is over, Phasma explains that she’ll go over the ultrasound results with Dr. Solo and leaves Rey to get dressed. She leaves the exam room and wanders back towards the waiting area -- she isn’t sure if she has more appointments or if she should try to find Ben. Perhaps he’s busy with Dr. Phasma or seeing other patients.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She stops again at the receptionist’s desk. “Um, do I have any other appointments?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Name?” Bazine asks without looking up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jackson. Rey.” She wonders how many times she’ll have to introduce herself before this woman finally remembers her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No other appointments today,” Bazine says and Rey nods, shifting from foot to foot. She has nothing else to do and no key to Ben’s apartment so she’s a sitting duck. Bazine rolls her eyes when Rey doesn’t leave and gives an annoyed huff before asking, “Is there something else you need, Ms. Jackson?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um. What does Ben like to eat? For lunch?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben?” Bazine frowns. “You mean Dr. Solo?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey wants to roll her eyes because ‘Dr. Solo’ has a first name but maybe it’s a respect thing -- like how you don’t call your teacher by their first name. So she puts on her most serious expression, “Yes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dr. Solo.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Of course.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bazine shrugs, “You should know. Aren’t you his cousin or something?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey pouts but doesn’t bother correcting Bazine. If that’s what Ben wants everyone to think, she’ll stop bursting his bubble. “Nevermind,” she says, a little petulantly and turns towards the elevator. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On the ride down, she thinks about what </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dr. Solo</span>
  </em>
  <span> would like to eat. He’d liked that nasty coffee so he’d probably want something bland and icky. When she gets to the cafeteria, she buys a salad for Ben and a burger for herself -- it’s been so long since she’s had a juicy burger that her mouth waters the entire elevator ride up to the 21st floor and the elevator stops on almost every floor along the way. By the time they reach the 15th floor Rey feels so feral and hungry that she is worried she might start snarling and barking at anyone else who tries to squeeze on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As soon as the elevator doors open, she squeezes out, guarding her styrofoam takeout container like her life depends on it and all but sprints towards Ben’s office. She doesn’t bother knocking, and it occurs to her after that he could have been with a patient.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luckily, he is alone, rubbing his temples like he has a headache and Rey approaches his desk cautiously. She should have knocked. “I brought you lunch,” she says and sets the plastic container with his salad in front of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks,” he says, somewhat grumpy and he leans back in his chair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey opens her container and picks up her burger, taking a huge bite. When she notices Ben watching her, she asks around a mouthful of food, “What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You shouldn’t eat that,” he says. “You have cancer and that’s not helping.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She swallows her mouthful and looks at him, “If I’m going to die anyway, I might as well eat the food I want.” She’d meant it as a joke, but from the way his face darkens she thinks maybe she’s said too much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shrugs and takes another bite of her burger. It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> cancer and he has no right to make her guilty for a bad joke. She avoids eye contact and her eyes dart around the room uncomfortably before landing on the flamingo. Rey. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time she finishes her hamburger, Ben hasn’t even touched his salad (to be fair, she had practically inhaled the burger. After bread and goat cheese and chicken cooked a hundred different ways, a nice greasy burger had been just the ticket. She licks the crumbs and grease from her lips as she stands and crosses the room towards his filing cabinet, trying to ignore that it’s her name on the folder spread out over his desk -- that it’s her condition that’s got him rubbing his temples. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should eat something,” she tells him as she comes to a stop and stares up at the flamingo. He grunts and she hears the plastic container being opened. “You kept the sunglasses on him,” Rey comments but she reaches up and pulls them down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” he mumbles as he stabs some lettuce with his fork, “I forgot about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmhmm, sure,” Rey says as though she doesn’t believe him and when she glances over, his cheeks are turning pink. “What’s its name?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a toy. It doesn’t have a name,” Ben tells her before shovelling lettuce into his mouth and chewing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey moves back towards his desk, this time with a smirk. “Really? Because I heard its name is Rey.” Ben chokes on his salad and his face gets even redder. “Did you name it after </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ben?” She stops when she’s close enough to the desk to sit on it. She does, crossing one knee over the other as she leans towards him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’s been turning over that bit of information in her mind since Phasma had spilled it and the missing puzzle piece finally clicks in place. Her voice is almost teasing as she asks, “Is that the flamingo from the fair Ben? Did you keep it all this time?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben drops his fork into his takeout container and opens his mouth. Then closes it. He clearly hadn’t planned on getting caught, on Rey finding out this little secret he’s kept for so many years. He’s embarrassed and she can tell but Rey is so happy that she can’t help but reach out and touch his cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite everything, he’s still the same sweet, sentimental boy he’d always been.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I kept the hat you made. I still have it. And the teddy bear you gave me. And the journal. Everything. I kept all of it, Ben,” She doesn’t know why her voice is quivering, why tears are filling her eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben finally looks at her and his blush is gone, but his eyes are wet too and she watches his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. “Rey, I… I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shakes her head and she knows why he’s apologizing. She remembers all the things that Ashley said about her, she remembers running away and hiding, she remembers the rain and being cold and scared -- feeling like no one loved her and no one ever would. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But she also remembers Ben finding her and carrying her. She remembers him crying and apologizing. She remembers the way he’d kissed her hands and her cheeks and she knows that he loved her. He’s still got the stupid flamingo to prove it. There isn’t anything he needs to apologize for because whatever had happened to separate them was beyond their control. As mad as she’d been at six, she could understand how unrealistic it was to expect him to come find her when he’d only been sixteen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben, no. It’s okay,” she says sincerely and her thumb wipes away the one lone tear that found its way down his cheek. “There isn’t anything to apologize for. We were kids.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reaches up, putting his hand over hers, holding it in place as he tells her, “I never stopped thinking about you. Hoping that you were okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Rey smiles through teary eyes, and she isn’t sure if her heart hurts because she’s happy or because she’s sad. “Obviously,” she gestures towards the flamingo.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s a knock on the door and Rey stands up, hopping off his desk and Ben uses the napkin from his lunch to blot his tears and blow his nose as the door swings open. It’s Dr. Phasma.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Solo,” she nods at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey,” Ben says and fishes his keys from his pocket. “You can go back to my place. Luke will probably be back soon too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nods and puts his keys in her purse, trying to ignore the solemn tone that seems to have overtaken the room. “I’ll see you later then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she closes the door, and walks down the halls, she tries not to think about all of the paperwork, her medical documents, spread out over the desk. She’ll be okay. She trusts Ben with her life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I decided not to let Ben suffer for long (about Luke and Rey, at least)</p><p>About that thing we're doing. That was a lot of "lettuce" we gathered today. I asked for 850 "lettuces" and we got 1000. You all are too generous! When I started this, St. Jude suggested 300 "lettuces" and I thought, "Meh, I'll go for 500 and there's no shame in trying!" But then we harvested 500 and I thought maybe we can get to 1000 by the end of the story. Ya'll. We're only like halfway through the story. I'm... speechless.</p><p>(If you're confused by what I'm talking about, lettuce is code for something else green *wink wink* bc talking about harvesting lettuce is against AO3 TOS *wink wink wink*)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. A Meeting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>I can only stare.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>She is the most beautiful woman</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>I have ever seen.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>       -A Meeting by Mary Oliver</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben is not an idiot, but he would have to be one to think that his exchange with Rey would go unnoticed by Phasma. He feels his colleague’s stare, and it makes his skin prickle, as he hands his apartment keys to Rey. When she’s gone, he sits in his chair and sifts through the papers on his desk, pretending to examine the sonogram prints and failing miserably as Phasma watches him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can feel how interested she is in the situation and knows that he is about to be bombarded with questions he’s not ready or willing to answer.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So…” she says and her voice is dripping in a mixture of amusement and curiosity.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The scans, Dr. Phasma,” Ben deflects and lifts one, “The growth on-”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Who is she, exactly? Bazine’s been telling everyone she’s your cousin but obviously-”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben cuts her off with a look. “She’s my patient. And you’re here to talk about her condition, not our relationship.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Phasma’s eyebrows shoot up and a smirk stretches across her face, “Oh there’s a </span>
  <em>
    <span>relationship</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” There’s glee in both her face and her voice. “Now see, we all thought that she was your cousin because Bazine said she came with your uncle. But then Ms. Jackson let it slip that you met when you were getting treatment…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben sets the scan down and leans back in his chair, running a hand through his hair. “That has nothing to do with the patient.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Phasma blows a raspberry as she rolls her eyes, “Good God, I thought that maybe there was something interesting about you as a human being instead of the cyborg we’ve come to know and love. Or that perhaps you were getting laid for a change…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If you’re implying that I have some sort of relationship with Ms. Jackson, you’d be wrong. She is my patient and I am perfectly capable of treating her while still upholding all the ethical oaths I’ve taken.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Phasma waves her hand, “We both know those oaths are meant to keep doctors from using their positions of power to coerce patients into sex for treatment. It’s totally different if you’ve already got an established relationship with the patient.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t think that’s true -- at least not to Snoke or the American Medical Association. “There is no established relationship. Yesterday was the first time I’ve seen her since she was six years old,” Ben finishes and there’s a finality to his voice that makes it clear he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But he also knows Phasma too well to think she’ll let it go. He met her when he was an intern and she was a gynecology resident at the Mayo Clinic and when she finished her oncology fellowship, he’d hired her right away. There was no one on the planet he’d trust with Rey more than Phasma.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What kind of cancer did you have?” Phasma asks, and Ben had known that she wouldn’t let go of the conversation.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hodgkin’s Lymphoma,” Ben tells her. “Diagnosed at fifteen, went into remission at sixteen. Are we done with the Q&amp;A?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Almost,” Phasma ignores his sarcasm and presses on, “Is that why you became an oncologist?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben pauses, “That among other things.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Other things… like Rey?” Phasma smirks. Well, now he knows where Rey found out about the flamingo.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Does it matter?” Ben asks. “We have a patient here who needs help and this,” he gestures between them, “this little conversation is not helping her.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Phasma sighs, “Well, then, Dr. Solo. What do you think of the scans?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben swallows because it's been hard to think about anything else since he’d laid eyes on them. He’d been hoping that Rey’s previous doctor had misdiagnosed her with ovarian cancer. If there was anyone on the planet that deserved a lifetime with no suffering, it was Rey. Fifteen years hadn’t changed anything (except her beauty) and she had forgiven him today like it was so simple.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Stage two,” he finally says. Beyond a clean bill of health, the best case scenario would have been stage one cancer, but they’ve already caught it too late and the cancer has spread. “There’s a mass in her left ovary and it’s spreading down her fallopian tube.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I agree,” Phasma nods and leans closer, pointing at the ovary in question. “The growth is too large and even if we remove this ovary today, there’s no way we’ll get all the cancerous cells out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The hardest part about gynecologic cancers is telling a patient that they’ll be unable to have children. He’d known it was a possibility ever since Rey had uttered the words ‘ovarian cancer’ that it would involve removing some if not all of her reproductive organs. This type of cancer in someone as young as Rey is rare and it kills Ben to have to tell her she’ll never be able to hold her own child. At least there is one healthy ovary and they can stop the spread.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nods, “We should try chemo to shrink it first and hope that it doesn’t spread.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I agree,” Phasma says. “I recommend starting cisplatin right away. Today, if she’s still here and as long as Hux is in agreement.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No cisplatin,” Ben says and runs a hand through his hair. “We should try something non-platinum based first.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben,” Phasma gives him a sympathetic look. “You can risk some bad side-effects or you can save her remaining ovary. You can’t do both.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben stares at his desk, clenching his jaw. He knows Phasma is right and he’s been going over it in his head for the past hour since he saw the scans. No matter what decision they make today, Rey will suffer. She’ll have to endure it all again: the chemotherapy, the weight loss, the pain. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Phasma reaches across the desk and sets a hand on top of his, “What would you do if the patient wasn’t Rey?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The question is stupid because the patient </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> Rey. He’d become a doctor so that he’d never have to see someone go through what Rey had. And now he has to see her go through it all over again and he isn’t sure that he’s strong enough. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’d seen people plenty of patients die and his skin had grown thicker as a result -- it had to in order to survive. How many nights, as he lay haunted in bed, had he told himself that he couldn’t save everyone? He had watched hundreds of patients grow sicker and sicker and there was nothing he could have done to save them -- and the hardest part was that every last one had made him think of how powerless he’d been to save Rey that night at the carnival.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He thought he would change the world with medicine, that he’d cure cancer and end the suffering, but all he’d manage to do was prolong a few lives. He hadn’t done a damn thing to save the memory of Rey and he wouldn’t be able to do a damn thing to save her now either.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He prays that Phasma doesn’t see the tears in his eyes, or that she won’t say anything if she does. He clears his throat and says, “We start the Paclitaxil/Cisplatin regimen tomorrow.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Phasma nods in agreement and stands up. She pauses before she leaves, “Ben. We’re going to do everything we can, ok?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben jerks his head but can’t bring himself to look at her. He knows that as Rey’s doctor he needs to be honest about what they’re doing, lay out all of the options and give his best medical advice. But in his heart, he only wants to protect her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey doesn’t plan on snooping through Ben’s stuff, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>really.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It starts when she decides to make dinner and obviously she’ll have to look through his cabinets and refrigerator to do so. He keeps a lot of fruits and vegetables in the fridge and the cupboards are full of all kinds of superfood and protein powders. She opens a bag of something called spirulina and almost gags on the fishy smell. She puts it back and keeps searching. She’ll eat her own foot before she’ll eat “spirulina”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She isn’t the best of cooks and Luke always teases her when she burns a loaf of bread and one time she boiled chicken for dinner and it was so bad that Luke had to keep wiping tears from his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When she opens the refrigerator, she finds eggs and cheese and spinach and remembers the quiche she’d made for Luke’s birthday last year. Ben has butter and flour too, so she sets it al on the counter and then looks down at her dress with a frown.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Well, she can’t ruin the only good dress she has making a pie crust for the quiche. She glances at Ben’s bedroom door. Surely, he wouldn’t mind if she just… borrowed something, right?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She ventures into his bedroom, tiptoeing like she’s afraid she’ll be caught, and heads straight for his dresser. So far she’s only seen him in his scrubs and she wonders what Ben wears as a grown-up. One drawer is full of muscle tanks and underarmour shorts and Rey isn’t surprised because she’s noticed that Ben works out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The next drawer is scrubs on scrubs on scrubs. All gray. Boring. She closes it and moves onto the next row of drawers. The top one is underwear and Rey blushes, but not before the open box of condoms catches her eye. She sputters and slams the drawer shut, breathing heavily.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t care that Ben has sex. In the bed she slept in last night. He’s a thirty year old man and it would be weird if he was still a virgin and…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Does Ben have a girlfriend?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>This is when Rey starts snooping in earnest. She looks in the bedside drawer, searches for framed photos of some pretty big city fashionista -- because for some reason that’s the type of girl her mind thinks that Ben would go for. A real Ashley Collins kind of girl.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t find women’s clothing in any of Ben’s drawers nor in his closet. His bathroom contains only one toothbrush and only some kind of pine-y smelling shampoo is in the shower.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben, it appears, is single and that makes Rey heave a relieved sigh and she has to tell herself that it’s because she doesn’t want to have to deal with another one of Ben’s petty girlfriends. It’s not because she’s noticed how good looking he is, or how nice he smells, or how he had picked her up in a hug like she’d weighed nothing at all and it made her think </span>
  <em>
    <span>thoughts.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In her mind, she’s perpetually a five year old in Ben’s eyes. She knows it’s not true. She’s a grown woman and he’s a grown man and if they were both interested in one another nothing would stop them from being together…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rey, stop,” she scolds herself out loud. “You’re not five anymore.” Yes, they were both adults, but Ben was infinitely more experienced and worldly and she was just a little virginal farm girl. Why on earth would he have any interest in her?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly, she’s in a bad mood and she grabs one of Ben’s shirts and a pair of his gym shorts and quickly pulls them on before stomping to the kitchen.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Luke walks in a half hour later, he asks, “What are you doing?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Making quiche,” Rey grits out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And why are you punching the pastry dough like it’s personally wronged you?” Luke asks as he inches closer to her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey pauses. “I’m not.” Maybe she’d been taking out a little aggression. She stops pounding the dough and rolls it out with a rolling pin before placing it in the pie tin, like a normal human being.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How did the appointments go?” Luke asks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey shrugs, “Not sure yet but I’m sure Ben’ll let me know when he gets home.” She leaves out how stressed and upset he’d looked with her file spread open on his desk. Yet another reason, he’d never be interested in her: he’s forced to look at pictures of her diseased lady bits.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She cracks an egg too hard and Luke flinches and reaches into the bowl, scooping out a few bits of shell with his finger. “He’s a good doctor, Rey. You know when Vice President Landry had colon cancer a few years ago, Ben was in charge of his treatment. He’s got a clean bill of health now and they suspect that he’ll run for president next election.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If Luke means to instill confidence with his explanation, all Rey really hears is that the rich and powerful can overcome anything. She doesn’t doubt that Ben is a good doctor, but she’s not stupid enough to think all this treatment will come free. “I’m sure he had better insurance than me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luke’s face pales. “Rey, don’t worry about the money.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Treatment is expensive, Luke. And I’ll probably need surgery,” Rey says. “When we get back, I’ll have to find a job and get insurance.” Although she doesn’t know who will insure her with a pre-existing medical condition.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You have to worry about the cancer Rey. Let me worry about the money,” Luke says earnestly and Rey just shakes her head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You already do too much, Luke. I just showed up and you feed me and clothe me and put a roof over my head. I’m not going to take your money too.” She has to look away from him to keep him from seeing the tears, but she can’t hide the way her hands shake when she pours the eggs into the pie crust.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re family,” Luke says, gently taking the bowl from Rey’s hands and setting it aside on the counter. “You would do the same for me, wouldn’t you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods because she would walk to the ends of the earth to save Luke’s life. He’s the closest thing she’s ever had to a father and the only person in the world she can think of to call family. He is all she has and she realizes for the first time that it probably goes both ways. She inhales a deep, stuttering breath through her nose and wipes the flour from her hands on the front of Ben’s shirt before turning to Luke. “How was your visit with your sister?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It was nice. I told her about you. She said she remembers you and she gave me some of her old clothes for you. Stuff to wear around the farm,” Luke gestures at a suitcase he’d brought in and Rey nods. She can always use more clothes and if Luke doesn’t have to spend money for them, she’s grateful.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey puts her quiche in the oven and begins cleaning up, “Tell her I said thanks.” She doesn’t remember much about Ben’s mom other than the fact that the woman clearly hadn’t liked her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Could you do me a favor and not mention her around Ben?” Luke says and casts a nervous look at the door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” Rey asks as she busies herself looking for a sponge to clean the counter. Ben’s house is so orderly that Rey is afraid he’ll be angry if he comes home and sees the mess she made.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“They haven’t spoken in ten years and I just don’t want to cause a blow-out,” Luke says as the front door opens.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey is about to ask what had happened that would cause Ben to stop talking to his mother for over ten years when Ben comes to a halt. “Hi,” she says meekly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You made a mess,” Ben deadpans as he looks at the counter, then back to Rey. “And you’re wearing my clothes.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry!” Rey squeaks. “I wasn’t digging through your stuff, I swear. I just needed something to change into so that I didn’t get my clothes dirty.” She cringes internally because even to her own ears it sounds like: I snooped through your stuff.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben puts his bag on the coffee table and strides into the kitchen, pulling out a sponge and a container of Comet cleaner from under the sink. He hands it to Rey and then makes a beeline for his room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s mad,” Rey grimaces and Luke nods.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yep.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben closes his bedroom door and paces; he left the room too quickly and he knows they probably think he’s mad but that’s not it at all. He’d come home with the resolve to tell Rey about her diagnosis and they could all sit down and talk about what to do moving forward like adults.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He had not come home with the resolve to see Rey in </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>clothes. He’d not been prepared for the sight of her hair in a messy bun and flour on her nose and his shirt that was swallowing her up -- was she even wearing pants under it?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His fist clenches at his side. She’s too damned cute. If Luke wasn’t standing next to her, there would be nothing stopping him from scooping her up and kissing her. But who was he kidding? Luke </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> here, and he absolutely could </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> kiss Rey.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He begins to pace until his foot catches something. Rey’s dress. From when she changed. And also, Rey’s panties. Rey’s dirty panties. Rey’s panties that she’s not wearing which means that there’s nothing between her and whatever pair of his shorts she’s put on under the oversized t-shirt.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben’s brain short circuits. Probably because all of the blood in his head has suddenly rushed south. He knows that he can’t be thinking about Rey’s panties or Rey’s body. She is his patient and therefore, off-limits. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He almost bends over and picks them up -- almost. He fights the urge and goes to his drawer, pulling out a pair of sweatpants and a shirt and takes a long, cold shower.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Ben emerges, the kitchen is spotless, whatever is cooking in the oven smells delicious and both Rey and Luke are perched on stools at the counter -- clearly on their best behavior. He sits down on the only empty stool and Rey says, “Dinner is almost done.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben grunts and stands, going to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of white wine that had been chilling inside, unopened for months. “Want some?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luke nods enthusiastically and Rey agrees. Ben pours them each a glass as Rey pulls the quiche from the oven.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She cuts them each a slice and Ben picks up his fork when she sets a plate in front of him. He takes a bite and </span>
  <em>
    <span>crunch</span>
  </em>
  <span>. There’s eggshell in the quiche. Ben looks at Luke who grimaces as he chews and his uncle gives him a look that says, “DO NOT SAY ANYTHING.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben swallows and lifts another forkful to his mouth. More eggshell.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He glances at Rey who hums as she shovels quiche into her mouth. She doesn’t seem to have noticed the eggshell, perhaps because she inhales her food like her life depends on it. When he looks back at Luke, his face is red like he’s trying his hardest not to laugh.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben has to bite his own lip to keep from laughing too.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is it good?” Rey asks, and little bits of egg and crust fly out of her mouth.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Luke says at the same time Ben says, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>SO </span>
  </em>
  <span>good.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey beams and continues eating and Ben refills Luke’s wine glass. Alcohol will be a necessity if they’re going to survive Rey’s eggshell souffle. They each eat another slice, mostly because Rey looks so proud of her creation and neither man has the heart to tell her that they’ve chipped their teeth trying to eat it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When it’s done, Rey packs up the leftovers and Ben watches her move around the kitchen barefoot in his clothes. His stomach ties itself in knots over the sight and his brain is shouting at him how right it is to have Rey here in his apartment like this. He tears his eyes away long enough to find Luke staring at him with a knowing look.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben clears his throat. “Rey. Do you want to talk about your diagnosis?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey freezes and a full minute passes. “Not tonight,” she finally says. “Can we just be normal tonight?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nods in agreement and, it seems, normal means finishing off the bottle of wine as Luke tells him the story of how Rey brought home a chicken murdering dog.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At bedtime, Ben forces Luke to sleep on the couch now that he knows the truth. Rey retreats to his bedroom and Ben makes himself a little nest with blankets on the floor. He’s almost asleep when Luke says, “She’s something else, isn’t she?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Ben agrees. The power Rey has to wrap people around her finger has clearly never disappeared. Luke is another victim who has fallen prey to her spell.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Pretty, too, huh?” Luke says, and his voice is teasing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben turns onto his side, presenting Luke with his back as he coughs out a “Goodnight.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If the medical jargon including the names of chemo treatment are confusing, don't worry. They're really not that important for you to know and/or remember for any reason other than that they worry Ben. Foreshadowing and such.</p>
<p>I will reply to last chapter's comments tomorrow.</p>
<p>(If you saw my tweet earlier tonight, I planted 25 lettuce seeds anyway.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Red Bird</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must</p>
  <p>take care</p>
  <p> of what has been</p>
  <p>given.</p>
  <p>       -Red Bird by Mary Oliver</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>The morning sun wakes Rey up and she decides that the only thing she likes about Ben’s apartment is the giant windows that let in a ridiculous amount of sunlight. The sun warms her skin and for a brief moment, it’s almost impossible to be in a bad mood. Then, she remembers that she has another long day at the hospital in front of her -- a day where she will learn just how grave her diagnosis is. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She buries her face against the pillow and groans. On second thought, she likes Ben’s bed too; it’s ridiculously huge and smells amazing, like laundry soap and sweat and the pine shampoo from Ben’s shower. She pulls the sheets up over her head so she’s surrounded by the smell and even though she can hear Luke and Ben talking in the living room, all she wants to do is stay in the safety of the bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A knock comes on the door and she peeks her head out to see Luke watching her. “Are you awake?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No?” she answers and she hears Luke come into the room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You have to get ready, Rey.” He sits on the edge of her bed. “I got a call from Poe this morning.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey sits up, “Is BeeBee okay?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He’s fine,” Luke assures her. “But I need to get back tonight. I’ll stay with you today and if it’s okay with Ben, we’ll leave tonight.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That perks Rey up some. She misses the farm and BeeBee and the goats and chickens. The fresh air and the quiet too. “Okay. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She showers quickly, enough to be clean for any exams and picks out a sweater and a pair of jeans from the clothes that Luke’s sister gave her. She can tell that they were expensive when they were new and they’re already nicer than anything she owns -- it’s almost a shame that they’ll soon be covered in chicken shit.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When she gets to the kitchen, Ben is sitting at the counter eating a bowl of cereal and Rey’s face lights up. It’s some kind of bran flakes, but if she pours enough sugar on it, she knows it’ll be edible. She reaches for the box and Ben grabs her wrist.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sorry, Rey. You can’t eat.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Her face falls so fast that Luke snickers. “I told you she would pout.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I haven’t eaten since last night,” she complains and watches as Ben lifts a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. She’s so hungry that she’d even consider eating it without the sugar. Maybe.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You have a couple procedures today so you can’t eat beforehand. But we can get whatever you want for dinner.” She doesn’t say anything else but he finishes off the bowl quickly, almost like he feels bad for eating it in front of her. Or maybe because she won’t stop glaring at him the whole time, mumbling under her breath.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When they get to the hospital, Dr. Hux is leaning over the counter, flirting with Bazine the receptionist. “Dr. Solo,” he greets and when his eyes land on Rey, his grin widens. “Did you come together?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Mind your own business, Dr. Hux,” Ben warns as Bazine hands him a clipboard.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You must be Ben’s uncle,” Hux extends his hand towards Luke and Ben uses his clipboard to smack his hand away. “Ouch.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Mind your business,” Ben repeats, his voice distracted as he looks over whatever paperwork is attached to the clipboard.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“God, you’re cranky this morning. You’d think since you’re getting laid you’d be in a better mood,” Hux rolls his eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey’s eyebrows shoot up and she remembers the box of condoms in Ben’s room. She can feel her face heat up and she hopes no one else notices. Who is Ben ‘getting laid’ with? She’d seen no signs of a girlfriend but maybe he was seeing someone here at the hospital.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t you have work to be doing?” Ben shoots back and he shoves the clipboard against Hux’s chest. “Or have you gotten through every blood sample in your caseload?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dr. Hux sneers and takes the clipboard. “Sorry you have to deal with such an ass,” he says to Rey and she watches him leave in confusion.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ms. Jackson,” Bazine interrupts as Ben tries to lead Rey away. “I need your insurance card for billing--”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey pauses, “Oh, I don’t have--”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“She doesn’t have it with her right now,” Ben supplies. “I’ll bring it to you later.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I need it before her surgery,” Bazine calls as they walk away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey freezes at the mention of surgery and Ben puts a hand on the small of her back. “Nothing major right now, okay? Remember the port they put in your chest for your chemo? We’re just going to do another one in your abdomen later today. In and out procedure. You can come home with me tonight.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey’s heart leaps at the word home and the thought of being with Ben later tonight helps to ease all of her fears about the surgery. “Promise?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ben nods, “I promise. Now let’s sit down and talk about your treatment okay? Do you want Luke there or…?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yes,” Rey says immediately because as nice as it is to have Ben with her, he’s also her doctor and she doesn’t know if she can rely on him for comfort the way she had when she was little. Back then, he was the only person on the planet that made her feel normal -- he’d never asked about her treatment or focused on her illness when they talked. Never once did he make her feel like she was on the brink of death, even though she was certain there had to be times when he was afraid for her. He took her to McDonalds and the movies and for sleepovers at his house, he plied her with candy and distracted her from her loneliness. Fifteen years ago, he was her ever supportive best friend, but now he was her doctor. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And as much as she wishes they could avoid talking about her treatment and her health, they both knew it was impossible.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When they walk into his office, Phasma is already waiting outside and she follows them in. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey sits down and when her nerves make her start bouncing her leg, Luke reaches over and puts a hand over her knee. She tries to give him a grateful smile but it feels more like a grimace and worry fills Luke’s gaze. “I’m fine,” she whispers. She’s done this before and she can do it again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ms. Jackson,” Phasma begins and Ben lets her sit in his chair behind the desk as he leans against the file cabinet. “Here’s your scan. Dr. Solo and I are in agreement that you have a growth on your left ovary that has already spread into your fallopian tube.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That means…?” Luke asks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Stage II,” Phasma finishes and Rey’s face falls. It’s already advanced -- it’s spreading inside of her and she’s already dying. She rests her shaking hand on top of Luke’s and squeezes so hard she sees him flinch next to her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We need to remove the ovary,” Ben interjects and moves towards his desk. He’s looking at the scan and not Rey. “But the growth is too large. If we don’t shrink it first there’s a good possibility we won’t be able to remove all the cancerous cells and it could still move into your uterus.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She stares at the pictures on the desk and feels numb. She wants Ben to look at her, to smile at her like he used to when they were kids so that she could feel okay about everything. She wants him to look at her like a friend and not like a patient and her heart hurts because all he’s doing is talking about her reproductive organs in such a scientific way. Her ovary and fallopian tubes and there’s nothing sexy about it, which disappoints her more than it should.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay,” Rey says quietly as she tries to mask her dismay.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So she’ll be okay?” Luke asks hesitantly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Doctors don’t deal in absolutes and Rey has spent enough time in hospitals to know this. No one can guarantee she’ll be okay and any doctor would be crazy to promise that to a patient. The most she can hope for is a positive outlook.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’ll do everything we can,” Phasma says as she stands. “Your surgery will be at 11 this morning, so you can’t eat anything until afterwards.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey's stomach growls, almost like it’s heard Phasma’s statement and is disagreeing. Ben had already denied her breakfast and now she knows why but it doesn’t make her (or her stomach) any less grumpy. She hears both Ben and Luke snort at the sound and ignores it as Phasma leaves the room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you ok?” Luke asks and Rey shrugs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll be fine. I’ve gone longer without eating.” She knows he’s asking about her general mental state, but it’s easier to joke about things. Not just for her sake, but for Luke’s too. She presses on before he has a chance to ask her again. “Ben, you know I don’t have insurance right? Bazine said I needed it before the surgery…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t worry about it,” Ben waves her off. “It’s taken care of.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey looks at Luke, but he’s purposely avoiding eye contact, “But isn’t surgery really expensive? I can’t afford it with no insurance.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’ll worry about it later, ok?” Ben says. “Not getting treatment isn’t an option and there are workarounds for low-income patients.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey nods, deciding to trust Ben. She doesn’t know anything about money or insurance or the price of all of her treatments. Nothing comes for free and she has a sneaking suspicion that Ben and Luke have already discussed this behind her back. She wants to be angry about it, but she supposes that it’s one less thing for her to have to worry about so a part of her is grateful.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I have to see a couple of patients, but I’ll check in before your surgery, ok?” Ben says as he leads them to the door. She wants to make him promise again, but she knows that she needs to keep remembering: he’s her doctor, not her friend.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ben does something he’s never done before -- something he’s never even thought about doing -- and he knows how much trouble he’ll be in if Snoke finds out. But Rey is worth the risk. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He imagines that she’s in surgery prep, and he’s well aware of how close he’s cutting it as he pours over deceased patient records. There’s been four deaths in the last 24 hours and he needs to figure out the best candidate to use. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Denise Lemmons, 55, female. Cervical cancer, stage 4, died on the operating table while getting a growth removed. It’s almost too perfect because they would have installed an intraperitoneal plug after her hysterectomy. Until he signs the paperwork, Denise is technically still alive and her insurance company doesn’t know.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He runs a shaking hand through his hair. Insurance fraud. He’s committing insurance fraud and the hospital could get sued for it. He could lose his job. Hell, he could lose his license.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If he doesn’t do it, though, he could lose Rey.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ben swallows and closes his eyes, thinking of Rey. Beautiful Rey who has already gone through so much and who deserves the world. It isn’t fair is his first thought, but it’s more than that. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It isn’t fair that anyone should die because they don’t have access to medical care. That’s a fact of the system they live under and he only knows how to commit this kind of insurance fraud because he’s seen colleagues do it before.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey isn’t just a faceless patient. He can’t leave it all at the hospital and go home and night and forget about Rey. After fifteen years, he hadn’t been able to forget about her and now that she’s back in his life he’s almost desperate to keep her there. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s only just beginning to reluctantly acknowledge his attraction to her -- he’d have to be blind to miss how beautiful she’s become. That coupled with her charm and Ben’s a goner. He’s never met anyone like Rey and if she was gone...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He refuses to think about it. She’s worth the risk of losing his job and his career. Hell, he’ll save her and go back to Luke’s farm and milk goats with her for the rest of his life if she’d have him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>No, he can’t think about that either. He drops his forehead into his hands and takes a deep breath through his fingers. Rey might not even think of him that way. She’s young and pretty and funny and out of his league. He’d always been like an older brother and she probably still saw him that way. She was his to save, but not his to have and he needed to remember that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He glances at his clock -- 10:45 and bounds down the hall towards the reception desk. “Baz, I need a favor.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She looks up at him, raising an eyebrow, because Dr. Solo didn’t ask for favors. “What is it?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I need you to bill Rey’s surgery to Denise Lemmons’ insurance,” Ben spits out quickly and once the words are out, there’s no going back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s insurance fraud, Dr. Solo. I can’t --”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Cut the crap, Bazine. You’ve done it before, right?” he presses but doesn’t wait for her to confirm or deny it. “I know you have. Just fudge the paperwork and I’ll cover for you if anyone finds out.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay,” she agrees. “But you owe me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ben nods, “Yeah, sure.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dinner. Saturday night,” she says and turns away from him, typing the information into the computer as if there is no room for argument.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He doesn’t know what to say and doesn’t have good reason to turn her down, especially when she is doing him a career-risking favor. “Um, okay. Yeah. Okay,” he agrees awkwardly and when he turns to walk away he sees Luke sitting in the waiting room, watching him with a raised eyebrow.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Insurance fraud?” Luke asks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Shh,” Ben hushes him. “Your beet farm isn’t gonna pay for her treatment.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ve never grown a beet a day in my life,” Luke deadpans but his face softens and he says, “Thank you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He can’t get sentimental right now and he doesn’t want another conversation about how pretty Rey is so he grunts in reply and follows up with, “I’m going to observe the surgery but I’ll let you know when it’s over.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s seen plenty of surgeries and this one is so low-risk that he knows his presence in the operating room is going to raise eyebrows. The logical part of his brain knows that nothing is going to go wrong, but the part of his brain that Rey occupies demands that he watch.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She’s already on the table when he gets there and she’s looking at the ceiling and jiggling her foot nervously. They’ll give her general anesthesia before the procedure starts, but he can tell that she’s anxious as he joins the room. Her eyes find him and she instantly relaxes -- he wants to go to her and squeeze her hand but he also knows that there are enough rumors swirling around the hospital about his relationship with Rey.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’ll wish her luck at least, but before he has a chance, they’ve put the mask over her face and she’s under.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Rey wakes up, she’s not in the operation room anymore. The last thing she remembers seeing was Ben and she casts her eyes around the room, searching for him. She’s in her own room now and when she tries to sit up, a searing pain floods her abdomen and makes her eyes go cross. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She touches the spot and can feel the plug under layers of spongey gauze. The thought of something under her skin like this makes her shiver and she knows it’s going to be days before she works up the nerve to actually look at it. The pain isn’t so bad and it’ll give her an excuse to slack on her chores back at the farm.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey can’t wait to get out of the hospital and go home and that thought makes her fight through the pain so that she can sit up and look for Luke. Or Ben. There’s no one in her room, though, except the giant stuffed flamingo propped up in a chair next to her bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She fights a smirk at the thought of Ben putting it there. Maybe he’d been sitting there, waiting for her to wake up. Maybe he’d watched her rest, had brushed the hair from her forehead and held her hand -- she knows that’s not the case, but she doesn’t stop her little fantasy from taking over. He’d probably waited as long as he could before he got called away to save lives and he’d left her Rey the Flamingo so that she wouldn’t wake up alone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fifteen years ago, Ben would have done something like that. When she was little, she’d fallen asleep so many times in the middle of a conversation with him -- Leukemia made her tired at odd intervals and long chemo sessions never helped -- only to wake up with a bag of candies next to her on the pillow. Or a stuffed animal. Or stupid drawings that Rey had treasured at the time, tucking them into pages of her poetry books to save.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tears spring to her eyes and she tries blinking them away before they can gather and spill. It’s almost foolish how even after all these years, the love and affection for Ben hasn’t faded. She’d forgotten a lot of these small things about him and in some ways he had become this mythical hero in her mind. He wasn’t mythical, but it was true that there was no one else like him on the planet. No one who would understand how scary and lonely it would feel waking up after surgery with no one around.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s so thoughtful and kind and wonderful. Years and years have passed and her feelings haven’t changed: She still loves him and she thinks she always will. He is her first, her last, her forever and she has no idea how to tell him that or if he’ll even reciprocate and part of her is so sure that he won’t that it tears a sob out of her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Rey?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She turns her head and the object of her thoughts is standing right in the doorway, looking at her in concern so she wipes her eyes even though she knows it’s too late. He’s seen her crying already.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He comes into the room and sits down right on top of the flamingo Rey, “Are you okay?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She nods and takes a deep shaky breath, “I’m fine.” There’s no way that she can admit to Ben that she’d been crying because she loves him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He looks like he wants to say something but instead, he holds out the cup in his hand. “I brought you something to eat. I thought you might be hungry.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey takes the cup and her stomach is churning, probably a side effect of medication on an empty stomach, but she recognizes the cup. McDonald’s. An Oreo McFlurry. “Ben…” She has to fight the tears again and she has no idea why she’s suddenly so emotional. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I wasn’t sure if you still like them,” he says and his voice is vulnerable in a way that makes her want to reach out and touch him. Would it be strange if she took his hand?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I love them. They’re the best,” she says earnestly and begins shoveling it into her mouth.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t eat too fast or you’ll --”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A wave of nausea hits Rey so hard and Ben barely has time to grab a garbage can and hold it in front of her before she’s throwing up into it. She’s barfing in front of Ben and she knows he’s a doctor but between the medical talk about her ladies bits and throwing up in front of him, there’s no way he possibly finds anything about her attractive and it hurts so much to think that she hugs the garbage can to her chest and cries between dry heaves.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He pats her back awkwardly and it makes her feel even uglier. She’s suddenly five again and remembers how it felt to see the way Ben looked at pretty girls like Ashley Collins. She was bald and scrawny and toothless, covered in bruises and always in hospital gowns or hand-me-downs. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even as she grew up and saw other girls around her, she was acutely aware that she wasn’t a beauty queen, and it had been easier then because there weren’t any boys she liked in return. But now that Ben was back in her life, looking tall and handsome and still being so gentle with her, she wanted to be pretty. She wanted him to look at her like she was a woman and not a sick patient.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The cancer wasn’t fair and neither was this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ben takes the garbage can from her after a few minutes and offers the box of tissues. “You can try to eat later,” he promises. “We gave you your first round of chemo while you were out.” He leans forward and removes the catheter from her arm.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That explains the nausea, Rey realizes and as Ben bandages her arm, she asks, “Where’s Luke?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He was here for a while but he had to go back home,” Ben explains as he finishes cleaning up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rey’s face falls, “Oh.” He left without her. He’s gone home and left her here.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He had to get back and you still have a round of chemo tomorrow so I told him that I’ll drive you back home tomorrow night,” Ben continues when he seems to sense that she’s upset. “Works out perfect. I’ve got a couple days off and no one has to sleep on the floor this way.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It was fun the time we slept on the floor for my birthday,” Rey points out, feeling a little better now that the promise of going home was on the table. Plus, Ben was joking with her like a friend and not a doctor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then let’s do it again tonight,” Ben suggests as he tosses the rest of Rey’s McFlurry into the garbage can and stands up. “We can get pizza and watch movies.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay,” Rey agrees and although they’re just recreating something they did as kids and even though it won’t make Ben look at her like she’s a grown woman, she will always jump at the chance to spend time with him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay. Good. It’s a date then,” Ben says and when he catches himself, his cheeks turn red and Rey doesn’t know how to interpret his embarrassment. “Um, you just rest then, ok? I’ll come get you when I’m finished for the day.” He runs a hand through his hair and Rey notices that even the tips of his ears are flushed red.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It doesn’t matter if he’s embarrassed by mistakenly calling it a date or if he’s just doing it all to humor her. Why would she when she gets to spend the night with the person she loves? Once Ben is gone, she grabs the flamingo and buries her face against it, squealing in excitement.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*****</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>No wonder we hear, in your mournful voice, the complaint</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>That something is missing from your life</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>      - Have you ever tried to enter the long black branches by Mary Oliver</span>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <span>Rey grows restless as one hour turns to two -- she hates the hospital and the uncomfortable hospital bed. She would much rather be laying in Ben’s giant bed, rolling around in his ridiculous smooth 5000-count Egyptian cotton sheets, but she’d even take her creaky little bed with its threadbare mattress at Luke’s house. She’d actually rather be anywhere else but the sterile hospital. How was she supposed to even try to rest with the bright fluorescent lights?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s nothing to do here, her old smartphone’s battery is close enough to being dead that she can’t occupy her time watching youtube or chatting with friends. She has to break the news about her cancer to Finn and Rose but she’s dreading their reaction enough that she decides to wait until she’s back in Marion on Luke’s farm. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She looks around the room, hoping for a television set or a magazine -- she’ll take just about anything to keep her busy until Ben is finished with his shift. She gets out of bed, wincing at the stabbing pain in her abdomen and she looks around to make sure no one is watching as she lifts her hospital gown to look at the wound. It’s all bandaged up but Rey touches the gauze gently and feels for the plug they’ve installed. She dreads taking the bandages off and actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>seeing</span>
  </em>
  <span> the giant plastic port and decides there’s no way she’s letting Ben change the bandages or check the healing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She isn’t sure how Ben sees her, maybe as the kid she was fifteen years ago, or maybe as just a patient. The way in which he’d talked about her body and all her lady parts leads her to believe that whatever she feels for him is just as unrequited as it was when she was five and she’s not going to let him look at her IP port and add cyborg to the list of completely unflattering things he most likely sees her as. She’s a woman now and although she’s not vain, she has pride and draws the line at letting the boy she likes see her mutilated body -- even if said boy is technically her doctor.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A few minutes of careful prodding and examination later, she lowers her hospital gown and notices the pile of her clothes folded neatly on the chair and tucked right under Flamingo Rey’s large hindquarters. “Excuse me…” she tells Flamingo Rey politely as she lifts her butt and grabs the pile of clothes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The flamingo stares at her as she sets the clothes down and Rey stares back. “What?” she asks defensively. “They’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>my </span>
  </em>
  <span>clothes.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When the flamingo keeps staring she continues, “And Rey was </span>
  <em>
    <span>my </span>
  </em>
  <span>name first.” She steps a little closer, examining the flamingo, “And while we’re on the topic, Ben was </span>
  <em>
    <span>mine</span>
  </em>
  <span> first too…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>From behind her, she hears the sound of a throat clearing and Rey spins around fast, her cheeks turning pink as she realizes that Dr. Phasma has probably seen her entire exchange with the toy. “Hi…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello,” Phasma says, trying to keep her face as neutral as possible but it’s obvious that the older woman is trying her hardest not to laugh.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You uh, you didn’t see that, right?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“See what?” Phasma plays along and she steps into the room, closing the door behind her. “I just came to see how you’re doing. Dr. Solo said he already took care of your IV drip.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods and rubs her arm, thankful for the change in subject. “Yep.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He said you vomited,” Phasma says, grabbing the clipboard from the end of Rey’s bed and checking the notes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, but I feel better now,” Rey supplies.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And how does your abdomen feel? Dr. Solo said you’re leaving town but the bandages will need to be changed tomorrow morning.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey doesn’t even want Phasma to suggest that Ben be the one to do it so she says quickly, “I can do it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll need to keep the surgical site dry until it’s healed” Phasma continues. “So no baths. If you have to shower, keep it as dry as possible for the next few days. We’ll see you again in seven days for your next round of chemo, ok?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods and gives Phasma a thumbs up, “Okay. Sounds good.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Phasma purses her lips, like she’s trying not to laugh, and puts the clipboard back. “Any other questions?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Does Ben have a girlfriend?” The question is out of her mouth before Rey can even stop herself and she slaps a hand over her own mouth in shock.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Phasma blinks, “I meant about… nevermind…” She looks at Rey with a mixture of detached amusement and resignation before sighing, “No, I don’t think he does. That would mean he’d have to have a social life.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I found a box of condoms in his drawer,” Rey blabs, and she almost slaps a hand over her mouth again, but instead bites her lip.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you?” Phasma asks and if Rey had any doubts whether the other woman was amused by their conversation, she certainly doesn’t anymore. There’s a sparkle in Phasma’s eyes that makes Rey worry about saying too much. “Hmm, interesting. We all just figured he went home at night and plugged himself into an outlet to recharge.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey isn’t sure she gets the joke but she’s sure that it’s meant to insult Ben, which doesn’t sit right with her, “You don’t like Ben?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I respect him,” Phasma admits easily. “I don’t know him well enough to know if I like him or not. He’s a very private person.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey frowns at that and wonders why Ben isn’t close with his co-workers. These are people he sees everyday and they make jokes about how he’s a robot. She tries not to let it hurt her feelings, but it’s hard not to be offended on his behalf when he’s the nicest person she’s ever met. “He’s not a robot. He’s sweet. He knit me a hat once,” Rey says, as if that’s all the proof Phasma needs to judge his character.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, he’s sweet to you because he’s sweet </span>
  <em>
    <span>on</span>
  </em>
  <span> you,” Phasma points out. “And if you’re curious, you should ask him if he’s got a girlfriend.” She gives Rey a very pointed look before leaving the room and Rey huffs, knowing she won’t have the nerve to ever ask Ben.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Ben comes back to Rey’s room, he finds her sitting on her bed crying. Phasma had assured him that she checked in on Rey and that the discharge paperwork was set to go -- she’d even seemed </span>
  <em>
    <span>amused</span>
  </em>
  <span> when they’d spoken about Rey and Ben could only imagine what Rey had said or done to make Dr. Phasma smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All of that led him to believe he’d be walking in to find sunny Rey, not the sobbing mess before him. “Rey? Are you okay?” he rushes inside and begins to check her over.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m… fine…” Rey manages between gasps for air and Ben worries that he’ll have to restrain her if she keeps trying to push him away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you hurt?” he drops his arms, hoping that she’ll call down enough that he can actually check on her. Rey shrugs. “Why are you crying?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She shakes her head again and hiccups.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Something is wrong,” he presses. “If you’re hurt, you’ll have to stay here tonight and…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her eyes widen and she cuts him off, “No! I’m fine!” Her eyes dart away as she quietly admits, “I can’t get my pants buttoned.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben blinks, “What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“My pants,” she repeats and gestures to where her pants hang open. He hadn’t noticed at first, but now it’s obvious and his face suddenly feels warm when he realises there’s little yellow buttercups all over them and he looks away before he gets caught.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” he says and turns even redder at the way his voice cracks. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He hears her sniffle again and she says, “It pinches and hurts when I try but I can’t go out there like this…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben glances at her out of the corner of her eye as she gestures to her cute little panties again and he swallows as he shrugs out of his lab coat and hands it to her. “Here…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey takes the coat and when he looks at her again, she’s got a grin as she pulls it on and buttons the front. “Thanks, Ben…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you ready to go?” Ben asks, a little awkwardly because he’s still thinking about Rey’s buttercups.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods and follows Ben out of the room as she rolls up the too-long sleeves on Ben’s labcoat and she has to walk quickly to keep up with his long strides. He stops at the reception area, handing a clipboard over to Bazine, who is once again flirting with Dr. Hux -- it makes him wonder why she would possibly want a date when it’s at least the third time today he’s caught them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Dr. Solo,” Hux greets with a nod of his head. “And… Dr. Solo,” he teases, eyeing the name tag on Rey’s white coat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey practically beams, as though she’s proud to be called Dr. Solo and tells Hux, “Ben let me borrow his coat because I couldn’t get my pants…” she begins to unbutton the coat and Ben reaches out, taking her hand.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t need to </span>
  <em>
    <span>show</span>
  </em>
  <span> everyone, Rey,” Ben says and he doesn’t mean to scold her, but he also </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> doesn’t want Hux seeing what he’s seen. It’s one thing for him to think perverted things, but he’d hate to have to hit a colleague for saying something lecherous to Rey.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Right,” she blushes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I have all her charts here, Baz,” Ben says.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks. And remember our date on Saturday,” Bazine says with a wink as she takes the paperwork from Ben.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He clears his throat and glances at Rey. “Sure. Ready to go, Rey?” He leads her away from the reception area and as they wait for the elevators, he prays she won’t ask him about what Bazine said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You have a date with Bazine?” Rey asks and Ben cringes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m taking her out for dinner as a thank you for a favor she did for me,” Ben explains and he tries to write off the uneasy feeling in his gut as remnants of anxiety over hurting Rey with another ill-planned relationship.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is she your girlfriend?” Rey presses and even Ben can pick up on the note of jealousy in her voice, not that he blames her after Ashley Collins.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Ben says quickly. “God, no. Like I said, it’s not really a date. Just a thank-you dinner.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods as they step into the crowded elevator and from the corner of his eye he sees her chewing her lip like she’s dying to say something else and he’s eternally grateful that she waits until they step out of the elevator and exit the hospital before letting it spill. “Do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>have</span>
  </em>
  <span> a girlfriend?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Ben says and shoves his hands in his pockets, feeling every bit the sullen teenager he was fifteen years ago. He knows Rey didn’t mean anything by her question, but it’s a reminder that he has no one who cares about him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey loops her arm through his, pressing herself to his side and Ben thinks she must know how he feels to offer him comfort like this. “Let’s stop and get snacks.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re ordering pizza,” Ben reminds her. “What do we need snacks for?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She looks at him like he’s nuts for asking, “Because you have to have snacks at a sleepover.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You just had chemo. Are you sure you want to gorge yourself on food?” He points out and Rey lifts her chin in indignation as she answers, “Yes,” and Ben is powerless to deny her anything.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Ben stands in the middle of the candy aisle at the convenience store located around the corner from his building, a red plastic basket dangling off his forearm as he tries to decide which of the ridiculously sweet treats Rey would like the best. Peanut M&amp;Ms had always been a hit when she was a kid, but maybe her tastes had grown more refined as she grew up -- dark chocolate? Or maybe licorice?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s saved from having to make the difficult choice as Rey sidles up next to him, plopping a tub of ice cream and a 2 litre bottle of cherry coke into his basket. “Oooh M&amp;Ms…” she breathes and picks up a party sized bag. “Can we get these? Oh and sour patch kids… gummy bears… twix… peanut butter cups…” She continues piling more sweets into the basket and it’s so heavy now that Ben needs two hands to carry it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rey… you can’t possibly eat all of this,” Ben says and the glare she gives him makes it clear that she’s offended he thinks so little of her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I haven’t eaten all day,” she points out. “Plus we can take the leftovers in the car tomorrow. You have to have snacks on a road trip.” It’s said so matter-of-factly that Ben finds it hard to argue with her logic. He watches as she grabs a few more pieces of candy and then she nudges him towards the counter. “Let’s hurry home before the ice cream melts.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nods and tries to ignore the judgemental look from the cashier as he empties the basket onto the counter. He pays quickly and refuses to let Rey help him carry their goods as they leave the store.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>When they get back to the apartment, Rey puts the ice cream in the freezer as Ben calls to order a pizza. She leaves him standing in the kitchen and goes to his bedroom, quickly changing into yet another one of his oversized shirts, this one long enough to pass as a dress so she doesn’t bother putting on pants under it -- the thought of an uncomfortable waistband rubbing against her stomach deters her from even considering pants.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Next, she grabs all the pillows and blankets from the bed and waddles out of the room with an armful of them -- the pile so high that she can’t see where she’s going and runs into the doorframe twice and the back of the couch too. “Oof,” she groans and Ben takes the pile away from her, setting it on the couch.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” he asks, trying not to laugh as she goes around the couch, pushing the coffee table out of the way.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We have to set up where we’re going to sleep,” she explains, and after successfully pushing the table aside, she begins laying blankets out on the floor. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t think that’s appropriate,” Ben says carefully.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why not?” Rey asks as she smoothes out a blanket and arranges the pillows. “We’ve done it before.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We were kids then,” Ben points out, “And you just had surgery today. You should be sleeping in a bed.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey waves her hand dismissively. “This is already way comfier than my bed at Luke’s. I think that thing is so old, it’s probably stuffed with straw.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not at all concerning,” Ben scoffs as he gets down on his hands and knees to help Rey arrange blankets. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” Rey argues with a shrug. “It’s better than any other place I’ve lived.” With their sleeping arrangement settled, they both make themselves comfortable on the floor.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A beat passes before Ben asks, “Where did you live? After you went into remission?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey doesn’t particularly like the topic Ben’s chosen, but she’s also curious where he’s been in the years following their friendship. “I had a few foster homes. One was alright. I was there with a lot of other foster kids and met my best friend. And then I stayed with some families, but nothing ever stuck.” She doesn’t say anything else because she doesn’t want Ben to know about how none of the families ever wanted to keep her the way Finn’s had. She doesn’t want him to know about the homes where she ate cereal for dinner because no one was around to cook for her, or about the foster brother who made a peephole to watch her change.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben is quiet for a minute before he says, “I always hoped that you found a family.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey hums and brings her knees to her chest, resting her chin on top of them. “Maybe someday.” She doesn’t mean it to sound as sad as it does and she’s almost afraid she spoiled the whole evening because of how quiet Ben’s become.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you remember Han?” he finally asks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes!” Rey says excitedly. “Of course. How is he?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben shrugs his shoulders and tells her, “I haven’t seen him in years. But he was planning on fostering you back then.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey blinks in shock. She’d grown close to Han as a kid, and along with Ben, she often wondered what happened to him. Her chest hurts from the new information and it’s hard to decide if she’s happy or depressed by it. “Really?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nods again, “Somebody wanted you Rey. Han loved you a lot.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey’s eyes fill with tears at his words. All her life, she felt like no one ever wanted her and nothing had ever happened to prove her wrong on that fact. Her birth parents gave her up, Ben chose Ashley, she’d endured one foster family after another that wanted a little extra money but never a daughter. The knowledge of all of that was one more burden that she’d carried with her for years and now Ben gave her this little bittersweet gift. “Did he really?” she asks quietly, as if she can’t believe it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nods and moves closer to Rey, awkwardly tucking a strand of hair away from her face and behind her ear as he tries to see her face. “He got a job and an apartment with space…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened?” Rey asks, because there’s still so much she doesn’t understand -- why she was moved to a different hospital, why she never saw Ben, why Han never adopted her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The doorbell rings and Ben jumps to his feet. “Um, that must be the pizza. Why don’t you pick out something to watch?” He tosses her the remote as he jogs to the door. Rey is naive about many things but she can recognize when someone is avoiding a topic.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She absentmindedly flips through netflix as she wonders why Ben wants to avoid talking about what happened the same way Luke had warned her to avoid talking to him about his parents, and she can’t help but wonder if the two are related.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey made it through two Avengers movies before passing out and Ben works quickly, carrying blankets and pillows back to his room. He’d let Rey think that sleeping on the floor was okay, but once all of her post-op pain meds wore off, she’d thank him for putting her to bed somewhere more comfortable. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once he finishes setting up the bed, he tiptoes back out to the living room and kneels next to Rey. She’s got a melty half-eaten Snickers bar in her fist, and Ben tries to pry her fingers open to take it away, and he almost loses his shit when she bears her teeth and </span>
  <em>
    <span>growls</span>
  </em>
  <span> in her sleep. He puts it on the coffee table, and then gently lifts her in his arms, tensing when she sighs and buries her face against his chest, murmuring his name.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tries not to think too much about it, tells himself that it doesn’t mean anything. He’d be a liar if he said that he didn’t care about Rey as much now as he did fifteen years ago, that the passage of time hadn’t changed anything at all, but that was all it was. They still cared about each other and tricking himself into believing that Rey wanted him would be a perversion of her feelings.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Just because he couldn’t stop thinking about how pretty she was, didn’t mean she was attracted to him. And just because he couldn’t think straight at all everytime she pranced around </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>space in </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>clothes, didn’t make it okay to think about her as anything more than a patient at the bare minimum and as a friend at the most.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He needs to stop thinking about her little floral underwear that she’d shown him at the hospital and again (completely by accident) as she crawled around the living room floor making a blanket nest for them and again now as her borrowed t-shirt continues to creep higher and higher up her thighs as he carried her to his bedroom.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>By the time he makes it to the bed, he’s near a meltdown over his impure thoughts towards Rey and he sets her down carefully, pulling the blankets up over her shoulders. He thinks about kissing her cheek or her forehead the way he would have done years ago, but with the shift in his feelings towards Rey, it almost feels wrong so he reluctantly pulls away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben?” she asks sleepily and winces as she stretches. “Did you put me in bed?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shh, go back to sleep,” he whispers, standing up from his crouch.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Stay with me,” she mumbles, scooting to make room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t,” he says and then fixes it, “I shouldn’t.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I’m your patient?” Rey asks quietly, blinking sleep from her eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That’s not it at all, and Ben knows it. He’s afraid to get into bed with her because he knows he’ll want to hold her and watch her as she sleeps. He’ll want to kiss away the frown lines when her dreams turn unpleasant and he’ll definitely want to feel her pressed against him. He swallows loud enough that Rey huffs with amusement at the sound and Ben quickly answers, “Yes.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll be your patient at the hospital,” Rey reasons, her voice thick from sleep, and she pulls back the covers. “But here we’re friends, Ben. Unless you invite all your patients to stay at your apartment.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben shakes his head and once again, finds it difficult to argue with Rey as he gets into bed, carefully keeping his distance as he lies on his back, stiff as a board. “Friends,” he agrees and tries to tell himself that he can do it, but even he knows it’s futile as Rey’s body curls towards him and he doesn’t relax completely until she’s snoring softly beside him.</span>
</p>
<p>*****<br/><br/><br/></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry this chapter is so clunky! After a week and a half long break, it'll probably take me a couple of chapters to get back into the groove of things &lt;3 Next chapter, the road trip and Ben's first impression of Luke's farm. Wonder if he'll approve XD</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Softest of Mornings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>Softest of mornings, hello.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>And what will you do today, I wonder, </span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>to my heart?</span>
  </p>
  <p> <span>-Softest of Mornings by Mary Oliver</span></p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben wakes with the sun, a routine he hasn’t been able to shake since he was in med school, and the first thing he notices is how well-rested he feels. That shouldn’t be the case, not with one-hundred and twenty pounds of dead weight on top of him -- especially not when that dead weight is accompanied by snoring and drooling.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She snores softly, at least, Ben thinks as he lifts his head off his pillow to look down at Rey. He’s not really surprised that she’s got one leg flung over his and an arm draped across his stomach as she cuddles against his side. Even in her sleep, there’s something a little bit untamed about her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He carefully tries to roll her back to her own side of the bed, mostly to save them both the embarrassment when she wakes up and realizes she’s been clinging to him like a sloth. As soon as he has her settled onto her own pillow on her own side, her brows furrow and she smacks her lips as if she’s unsatisfied with what he’s done.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben snorts as he watches her face relax.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Now that he’s seen her as an adult, he finds it hard to match her face with that little girl he’d known fifteen years ago. The dimples are still there, but when she smiles there are two rows of beautiful white teeth. Her freckles are there still too, but where they’d seemed childish all those years ago, they make her look healthy.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He wonders how long that will last. After a few weeks of chemo, her hair would undoubtedly start to thin and the circles under her eyes would grow darker. Not that that would change anything to him. She would still be Rey.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Absentmindedly, he twirls a lock of the hair around his finger and then brushes it behind her ear. There’s a smudge of chocolate on her cheek and when he tries to wipe it off, her eyes blink open. “Ben?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” he mumbles and pulls his hand away. He’d planned on being out of bed before she ever woke up but he’d blown that. “You had chocolate on your face.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She blushes and licks a finger, using it to swipe the crusty chocolate on her cheek as she sits up. “Oh.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, I’m going to start on breakfast. Oatmeal is okay?” he asks as he climbs out of bed, desperate to put a little distance between them. He doesn’t wait for her nod before he rushes out of the room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To say that she feels stupid is the understatement of the century. When she’d woken up to find Ben gazing at her so softly, touching her cheek, she’d been so</span>
  <em>
    <span> sure</span>
  </em>
  <span> that he was going to kiss her that her heart had stopped beating, and had felt herself leaning in towards him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she had chocolate on her cheek. He’d only been trying to clean her face, like she was some kind of kid. It’s humiliating how much she’d wanted him to kiss her when it's so very clear that he thought of her as nothing more than a child.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She rolls onto her stomach, burying her face against the pillow as she kicks her legs and screams at her own stupidity. The hissy fit makes her feel a little bit better, more in control, and she rolls out of bed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s nothing she can do to shake the image he must have of her, except to start acting more mature and it’s an extremely depressing thought. She knows she’s childish sometimes. Young at heart, Luke tells her. Immature, was what Rose had always called it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She is who she is, Rey knows. Maybe it was all the time she spent in hospitals when she was little. Maybe it’s because she found fun where she could because she’d been given so little of it. At the end of the day, she liked who she was, even if she was sillier than most girls her age.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It didn’t make her less of a woman. In fact, she had wants and desires like any other young woman and just because she was a virgin didn’t mean she didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to have sex. She thought about it; a lot. Maybe even more so now that Ben was back in her life (something that brought her a tiny bit of shame to think about).</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That same shame creeps up on her as she finds something to wear. A part of her is so excited to get back home so that she had the comfort and privacy of her own bedroom to touch herself. Ben wouldn’t like it, she knows, would probably be disturbed by the things she thinks about it. But Ben didn’t need to know, did he?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s the last thought she has as she steps out into the living room, and her cheeks heat up all over again at the sight of him standing over the stove, stirring a pot.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She takes a seat at the counter, resting her chin in her hand as she tries not to stare. He’s so tall and broad, not at all the skinny teenager he’d been. And he’d certainly grown into the long face and large nose, had learned to hide his ears behind his hair.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When he ladles some of the oatmeal into a bowl, he turns and sets it in front of her, before taking some for himself. There’s a container of blueberries on the counter and she dumps almost half into her bowl. “Do you have honey?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t,” Ben says as he sits in his stool.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll get you some,” she tells him eagerly as she stirs the blueberries into the oatmeal until it turns a gray color. “I convinced Luke to keep bees. Well, they’re my bees but they’re on his farm,” she explains. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You keep bees?” he raises an eyebrow.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods, “Luke had these books and it sounded like fun so we made some brood boxes and started a hive. I can show you when we get there.” She knows she sounds overly-excited but when she gazes at him, he looks impressed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What else do you do there? Besides the beets…?” Ben asks as he spoons some oatmeal into his mouth.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey takes a bite of hers, wrinkling her nose because the blueberries are tart and there’s nothing to sweeten the oatmeal at all. “Lotsa stuff,” she says with her mouth full and then swallows around the thick porridge. “We have goats that we milk to make cheese and chickens for eggs. And our neighbor Poe brings us plums and apples to preserve. I’ve learned to fish and knit and cook, though I’m not great at the cooking part.” She glances up at him and he’s so invested in everything coming out of her mouth that his oatmeal is going cold on the spoon he holds.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re happy there,” he comments.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods, “I am. It’s the only home I’ve ever had. Something that felt like mine; like I belonged.” He looks sad when she says it, but she doesn’t know why. Maybe because he knows she had that chance with Han, or maybe because of all the years she’d had nothing at all before finding Luke. He never says why he looks so sad, just continues eating.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They eat the rest of their breakfast in silence and Rey packs her new suitcase as Ben cleans the dishes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey tries not to laugh at Ben, who has her suitcase of Leia’s hand-me-downs under one arm, a plastic bag full of their leftover snacks gripped in the other, an overnight duffle bag over his shoulder and a cup of steaming coffee in his other hand. His keys dangle from his mouth as Rey once again pleads, “Let me carry </span>
  <em>
    <span>something.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I gottit,” Ben mumbles around his keys and when he gets to his car, a shiny black Audi S5, he pauses as he realizes he has no free hands to unlock the car.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey crosses her arms over her chest and raises an eyebrow. “You got it, right?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He exhales through his nose and then tries to set the bag of snacks on the roof of the car, effectively dropping the old suitcase onto the ground of the parking garage.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You are so stubborn,” Rey says, moving forward and plucking the keys from his mouth as a string of cusses spill out. She pushes the unlock button, thrusts the keys back and crouches down to pick up the suitcase.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I said I’ve got it,” he says as she hoists the bag into the backseat of his car.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not going to fall down and collapse from carrying a suitcase,” Rey points out as she closes the door and gives him a slight glare as she walks around to climb in the passenger seat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s properly chastised as he climbs into the car and starts the ignition. “Did you forget anything?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey shrugs as she reaches into the backseat and grabs the bag of sour patch kids from the seven-eleven bag. “I’ll be back in a week, right?” She takes her phone out of her pocket and sets it on the dock on his console. “Woah. Your car can charge my phone.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She sees him shake his head out of the corner of her eye as she fiddles with the different knobs. Heated seats, a sunroof, a 3D sound system, and a screen with navigation and backup camera. She watches in awe as he uses it to back out of his spot and asks, “You’re rich, aren’t you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m… comfortable,” he tells her as though he’s very </span>
  <em>
    <span>un</span>
  </em>
  <span>comfortable. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t question it further as he slowly exits the parking garage under his building. Chicago is distracting enough -- she doesn’t remember any of this despite living there for the first chunk of her life. When they stop at lights, she looks in windows of department stores at all the pretty dresses and at the couples eating in restaurants and it occurs to her how different her life is from Ben’s as she rests her chin on the window sill.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He probably goes on dates in those restaurants and shops for nice suits in those stores. Maybe he has cocktails with friends after work or goes out dancing. All the fun things that young people do on TV and in movies that are so different from her life in Marion with Luke. “Ben?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm?” he asks, his eyes focused on the road as the light turns green.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you usually do on your days off?” she asks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He glances over, “Why?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She shrugs, “I’m just curious about you.” It’s an earnest answer, and not at all what he expected if his blush is anything to go by.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I work a lot,” Ben says, “Even on my days off, I go in for an hour or two. I work out at the gym in my building or go for a run outside if the weather is nice. I read. Or watch documentaries. Mostly medical stuff.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What about your friends?” Rey presses and when Ben doesn’t answer, she stops looking at him. “I don’t really have any, either. I had Rose and Finn in high school but they went off to college in Alabama. And there’s Poe next door, but he’s not really a friend. Oh, and Luke.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s silent so she continues on, “I guess we’re really just the same as we were back then, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess,” he agrees and Rey hopes that she hasn’t hurt his feelings by pointing out his lack of social life. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But that’s okay, isn’t it?” she presses. “I mean, we have each other again, don’t we, Ben?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben’s chest hurts and his eyes sting as he nods in reply. He’s forgotten completely what it felt like to be vulnerable because of all the walls he’d spent the past fifteen years building up. He’d used his busy lifestyle to bury the loneliness, thrown himself into work rather than acknowledge it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Rey’s soft question was doing a damn good job of tearing all of that down. He felt fifteen again, alone and misunderstood and unloved by everyone except for his little friend Rey. She’s the same in so many ways, and he finds himself thinking the same thing he’d thought all those years ago -- how she had a way of being so mature and wise, despite her innocence and naivety. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t make him feel ashamed for being the way he was, or even that he was being judged for his pathetic social life. She shifts towards him, leaning across the console to touch his arm and he momentarily lets go of the steering wheel to take her hand and give it a squeeze.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t let him let go, instead she pulls it into her lap and holds it with both of hers as she turns her attention back out the window.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They hold hands until they’re halfway through the trip when they stop in Champaign for lunch and a bathroom break. Rey convinces Ben to take her to a barbecue place mostly because she can’t remember the last time she’s had pork (and really the ‘convincing’ is just her asking and him agreeing).</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Instead of taking his hand, she loops her arm through his as he walks them into the restaurant and it isn’t until the waitress is walking them towards their table when an older couple whispers, “Young love” at them, that Rey finally drops his arm with a blush.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She hides her face behind a menu, pretending to look for something to eat, and if Ben hears what she heard, he says nothing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They don’t say anything at all until the waitress comes back and Rey gives her order: the hungry man platter with baby back ribs, a chicken drumstick, a quarter pound of brisket with fries, bread and coleslaw as a side. When the waitress leaves, Ben gives her a look and Rey lifts her chin, “I can eat it all.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I know,” Ben answers with a smirk. “I just don’t think you </span>
  <em>
    <span>should</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When the food comes and it’s set in front of her, Rey has to begrudgingly admit that maybe it </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>too much food and she promises Ben that she’ll give the leftovers to Luke. It’s probably been even longer since </span>
  <em>
    <span>he’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> had pork.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When they get back in the car, Rey offers to drive mid-yawn and Ben tells her to take a nap. It’s probably the full stomach, or maybe the first round of chemo, that makes her tired. Either way, the seat leans all the way back and Ben gives her his coat to cover up with and she’s out cold before he makes it back onto the freeway.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When they get close enough to Marion, Ben puts Luke’s address into the GPS system. Rey is snoring and drooling again and it’s hard for Ben to not keep stealing glances at her. Perfect, he thinks, because that’s what she is to him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She is the easiest person in the world to love and at the same time, makes him feel like he’s just as easy to care for. The way she’d taken his hand, or clung to him at the restaurant. He hasn’t felt that way maybe ever -- the closest thing he can think of is Ashley Collins and how it felt to have her attention at fifteen.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But this is different because Rey genuinely likes him, maybe even as more than a friend if her blush at the restaurant was any indication.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s totally inappropriate and he knows that nothing can happen between them. He’s already risked enough by committing insurance fraud and becoming romantically involved will only bring him under scrutiny. He can pine from afar, he tells himself. He’ll make sure she’s healthy and then maybe if she still wants him…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He cuts off the line of thinking, crushing any hope before it can bloom. He doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> that she wants him and he’s better off not thinking about it at all. She’s a patient first and a friend second -- there’s no room for her to be anything else, no matter what </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>wants.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He drives through the main street of Marion and turns up a hill onto a dirt road, passing several acres of crops and orchards before cresting the hill onto Luke’s farm. He remembers coming once when he was a kid and a goat had headbutted his mom and she’d refused to ever go back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It looks the same as he remembers, an old victorian-style farmhouse with a big porch. Luke’s sitting on the porch and when Ben pulls in, he stands up and a little dog bounds down the stairs, barking as he opens his car door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey stirs and mumbles, “Bee Bee?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The dog leaps into the car, climbing across the driver’s seat to Rey, who hugs the ball of fur as it licks her face. Ben’s swallows as he thinks about all the germs in that dog's mouth and on its fur. He can smell the goats and hear them bleating in the distance. There’s chickens too, according to Rey, and he’s going to have to tell her that in a couple of weeks, her immune system will be too weak to handle any of these germs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He looks at Luke as Rey climbs out of the car and the older man can probably see the worry written all over his face. “We’ll talk about it later.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nods and they both watch Rey kneel to scratch her dog’s back. “Bee Bee, I missed you so much! Were you good for Uncle Poe? Yes you were, weren’t you?” she coos.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As if remembering her leftover lunch, she grabs the container and brings it to Luke, “This is for you.” She presents it like it’s a gift and not a box of her leftovers, and Luke’s amusement is palpable.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, I missed you, Rey,” he laughs with a shake of his head. “Come in and relax,” Luke tells Ben. “I can crack open a bottle of the mead Rey and I made last fall.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They sit around Luke’s kitchen table and Luke fills Rey in on everything that happened on the farm as he eats cold ribs with his hands. Ben isn’t a fan of the mead, it’s too sweet, but Rey and Luke drink almost the entire bottle as they make plans for spring.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Ben tries to keep up; he learns there are two pregnant goats and that the lavender they planted around the beehives is sprouting nicely. The drive has taken a lot out of him, though, and when he yawns for the fourth time, Luke turns to Rey, “Why don’t you show Ben to the spare bedroom while I get started on bread for dinner.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods and stands up, “Come on, Ben.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The stairs are creaky and the handrail could use a coat of paint, but it seems that neither Rey nor Luke are aware of the state of disrepair. Perhaps they think it adds more charm to the house, but Ben -- he can see why his mom didn’t like it here.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a well worn path on the rug that stretches the hall at the top of the stairs and Ben thinks it’s the same rug that was there twenty years ago when he visited. The hallway is just as creaky and it’s hard not to think of the house as a death trap. He knows that Rey won’t want to hear it, but as her doctor, he doesn’t think it’s a good place for her to spend her recovery and treatment.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“This is Luke’s room and next to it is the bathroom. Mine is here,” she holds the door open proudly and he takes a step inside, even though he hasn’t been invited. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a bed and a bookshelf full of books, some he already recognizes from her stack at the hospital: Shel Silverstein and Lewis Carroll. She’s got a little writing desk and it’s easy to tell it’s the pride and joy of her room. She’s got a stack of notebooks and pens arranged carefully in a little mug. There are fairy lights strung along the wall it leans against and several photos: one of her and her friends at what must be prom, one of her dog and one of Luke fishing. There’s a sketch of a creek and he wonders if Rey made that too. What stands out the most, though, is the picture of Rey sitting on his lap at her birthday party -- Han must have taken it and Ben is sure that he had a copy too at some point that’s been lost to the ages.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I told you I kept it,” Rey says, smiling at him as he leans close to look at the picture. “Come on, I’ll show you to your room then.” She grabs his hand and tugs him out of the room and to the next door over. “Get some rest. Dinner will be ready in a couple of hours.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nods and Rey closes the door on her way out. He lies down on the bed and he’s almost positive he hears a spring pop under his weight. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>hopes</span>
  </em>
  <span> Rey’s bed is more comfortable than this one.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>For all his fussing, Ben managed to fall asleep just fine and he wakes to the sound of Rey’s dog barking outside. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes and rolls out of bed. He crosses to the small window that overlooks the driveway as a car pulls up and Bee Bee dances around it as the driver climbs out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey, who has changed into overalls and a long sleeve thermal shirt at some point, wanders out of the goat enclosure. It’s hard to see from this far away, but he knows she’s grinning at the man who bends down to scoop her dog up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s handsome, whoever he is, around his age probably with tan skin and wavy hair and what he could only assume was a handsome smile. He says something and Rey doubles over in laughter as the man sets the dog down.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When the stranger pulls Rey into a hug, rocking her back and forth, Ben’s chest feels tight. He turns away from the window and stomps towards his door, trying to reign in the ugly feelings that well up: jealousy and anger and pettiness.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey isn’t his, he has to remind himself. Patient first, friend second, but never his lover. She couldn’t be as long as the other two were still true.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oooh Ben is jealous~</p>
<p>Also, if you don't follow me on Twitter, check out this beautiful Pixar-style art that the talented <a href="https://twitter.com/RenTinFinn">Cat</a> made of little Ben and Rey! Please follow her on Twitter &lt;3</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  </p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. How I Go to the Woods</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>If you have ever gone to the woods with me, I must love you very much.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>   -How I go to the Woods by Mary Oliver</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>
  <span>By the time Ben makes it outside, Luke has joined Rey and the mystery man. The sun is in his eyes as he hops down the three steps from Luke’s porch to the ground, but evening squinting he can tell that the man is undeniably good looking. He wears a pair of jeans, rolled up at the cuff so that a pair of square-toed cowboy boots peek out, and a gray t-shirt that is perhaps purposely too small if the way his biceps bulge are any indication.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben hates him already. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben!” Rey calls as soon as she sees him, bouncing towards him, milk pail swinging in her hand. “You’re up!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He nods and when she reaches him, she grabs his arm and pulls her towards Luke and the other man.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Poe,” Rey grins, and nudges Ben forward, presenting him to the shorter man. “This is Ben. Ben, this is our neighbor Poe.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“They’ve actually met already,” Luke grins. “Poe do you remember when you were little and my sister came for a visit? This is her son. You guys rode bikes together.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben narrows his eyes as Poe’s brows furrow. He remembers Poe zooming past Luke’s house on the old dirt road and he remembers finding Luke’s rusty old bike behind a shed. He remembers taking off after Poe, desperate for something to do that wasn’t sitting around on a boring old farm. Ben also remembers catching up to Poe, despite not being a good bike rider -- something Han had done a half-assed job teaching him -- and he has the scar on his knee to prove that Poe had dared him to jump the river. And the bruised ego from when Poe had laughed at him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh! I remember! You had a rust bucket bike,” Poe snickers. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It was Luke’s bike, not mine,” Ben points out and Luke bites his lip to keep from joining in with Poe’s amusement.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You finally grew into the ears, huh?” Poe grins and it takes every ounce of Ben’s goodwill to just offer a tight smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s saved from having to answer when Rey cheerfully declares, “Nope! See?” Before he can swat away her hands she’s pulling his hair back to reveal two large ears that stick out perpendicular from his head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Poe bursts out laughing as Rey lets go of Ben’s hair and stumbles off of her tiptoes. “I stand corrected.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben’s face is bright red and if it were anyone else but Rey, he would be glaring right now and the only thing that makes the situation bearable is what she says next.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Aren’t they cute?” Rey asks, and it’s clearly more of a statement that no one is allowed to disagree with, and she bends over to pick up the pail she’d set down.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” Ben interrupts before anyone can continue the conversation about his ears.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Luke hasn’t milked the goats yet so I’m going to,” Rey answers, holding up the milk pail.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Um, Rey,” Ben scratches the back of his neck and grimaces as he psyches himself up to give her the cold, hard truth. “You can’t…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” she interrupts and waves her hand.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luke shrugs, “I tried telling her that you wouldn’t like it but she’s very stubborn.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rey, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>isn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> fine,” Ben says and he reaches out to take the bucket from her hand. “Do you remember all those infections you used to get?” He hates bringing it up and he swallows as he watches the light drain from her eyes. He knows she’s thinking about the IVs and the breathing masks and all of the time spent in a wheelchair when she was too weak to move about herself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So I can’t milk the goats?” Rey asks and Ben swears her lip is quivering.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He wants to make her happy, but more important than that is keeping her alive. He shakes his head, “I’m sorry. You can’t milk them. And you really shouldn’t be anywhere near them. Or the chickens. Especially the chickens.” Ben shudders because if Rey catches salmonella from one of the birds, she won’t make it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Is all she says and it’s clear to anyone watching that every last ounce of joy has been drained from her being. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll milk the goats, honey,” Poe says and reaches for the bucket.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben’s blood runs cold at the nickname and when he glares at Poe, he swears the other man is smirking. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll </span>
  </em>
  <span>milk the goats,” he says, taking a step closer to Rey.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you even know how to milk a goat, city boy?” Poe raises an eyebrow.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve never done it but I can intubate a patient in under thirty seconds with my eyes closed, so I think I’ll be able to handle it just fine,” Ben snarks as Rey hands him the bucket. “Rey can teach me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her entire face lights up and he’s momentarily distracted by how beautiful she is. Until Luke clears his throat and when Ben turns to his uncle, who is raising an accusatory eyebrow, his face goes red. “Come on then,” Rey chirps, completely oblivious to everything going on around her as she tugs Ben by the arm into the goat pen.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“This I gotta see,” Poe snickers as he follows after them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Immediately, they’re surrounded by several goats who are all vying for Rey’s attention -- some of them butt her gently and others stand on their hind legs, bleating happily at her. “I know. I know. I missed you guys too,” she coos as she herds them further into the pen. “Say hello to Ben, everyone.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The goats ignore Ben completely, except for one smelly black billy goat with floppy ears and Ben can’t decide whether it’s trying to be menacing or just really likes him. He butts Ben a few times, ushering him closer to where Rey is positioning the bucket under one of the nannies. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben squats down next to her and she grabs his hand, putting it on the goat’s teat. Her little hand covers his and she guides the movement as she explains. “Wrap these two fingers to pinch off the milk and then squeeze and voila!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She lets go and sits back on her haunches, watching as Ben gets to work. He’d had no doubts about being able to do it -- he’s a doctor and knows enough about bodily functions to run circles around Poe Dameron. He can’t help feeling a little smug about how easy it is, especially when he’d been expected to fail. Ben also can’t help throwing Poe a victorious grin over his shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He finishes one nanny, who Ben is amused to learn is named Leia, and Rey scoots another one into position over the bucket. Ben’s shadow chooses this moment to headbutt him again and the bucket of milk topples over as Ben tries to steady himself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Behind him, he hears both Luke and Poe burst out laughing and Rey clicks her tongue. “Ben, you stop that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t do anything,” Ben defends himself, keeping his voice low so that Poe and Luke don’t hear the petulance.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, not you,” Rey sighs. “Goat Ben…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben freezes momentarily and then whips his head around to face Rey, “You named a goat after me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You named a flamingo after me!” Rey defends, but her cheeks are turning read.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“A stuffed flamingo,” Ben points out, reaching forward to start milking the next nanny. Anything to distract him from Rey’s cute blush. “Not a smelly goat.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben isn’t smelly. Usually. He’s going into rut so he’s been peeing on himself and-”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He pees on himself?! You named a smelly goat that </span>
  <em>
    <span>pees</span>
  </em>
  <span> on himself after me?” Ben cries and his exclamation is loud enough that he hears Poe and Luke laughing again. He almost gives them both the finger. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Almost.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“All male goats pee on themselves,” Rey explains before her voice turns syrupy, “But Ben is cute. Look at his big brown eyes and his floppy ears. The moment he came out and I saw his precious little face, I knew he was Ben.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t say anything, but he’s sure his face is red so he brings his shoulders up to shield himself from Luke and Poe. He isn’t pleased that he’s been named after a stinky farm animal, but it’s clear that Rey is fond of the goat so he doesn’t take it personally. He’s even a little bit flattered by the whole thing if he’s honest with himself. It’s nice to know that Rey’s thought about him all this time too.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He milks two more goats with Rey silently watching and then she pats his shoulder. “Good job, Ben!” She beams and he stands up, wiping his hands on his jeans before helping Rey to her feet. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He grabs the bucket and eyes Goat-Ben warily. “Don’t get any funny ideas, stinky.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Be nice,” Rey chastises, but even as she does, she loops her arm through his and steers Ben towards the gate. Once they’re out and the gate has been closed, Ben hands the bucket to Luke. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not bad.” Luke sounds mildly impressed and Ben fights not to roll his eyes. He’d made it through med school and a gruelling residency. Milking goats was a cake walk in comparison.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Except for knocking the bucket over,” Poe points out smugly, crossing his arms over his chest.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben narrows his eyes at the other man and Luke hands the bucket to Poe. “Help me carry this inside and I’ll get you some cheese to take home.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Poe takes a step towards Rey and pulls her into a hug, keeping his eyes trained on Ben as he tells her, “It’s good to see you, honey. You take care of yourself, ok?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods and takes a step back from Poe, completely oblivious to the stare-off taking place between the two men. “Hey, Ben. Do you want to see the bees?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure,” Ben agrees, watching Luke lead Poe into the house.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So that’s your nephew, huh?” Poe asks as Luke pours the goat’s milk from the pail into a glass jar. Outside the kitchen window, Poe can see Rey helping Ben zip up his beekeeping suit.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yep. My sister’s boy,” Luke explains as he screws the lid on the jar and puts it in the fridge.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s got quite the thing for Rey, huh?” Poe snickers, still watching as Rey jumps several times, trying to place the mesh veil on Ben’s head until he finally takes it away and puts it on himself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You noticed, huh?” Luke grins, taking a container of the fresh cheese out of the refrigerator.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The only one who hasn’t noticed is Rey. Who also seems to have just as big of a thing for him,” Poe says good-naturedly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luke snorts, “You’d think that would make things easier. He’s just as oblivious about her feelings.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Poe shakes his head, “How does a guy that dumb make it through med school?” His face pales a bit. “He is a good doctor, right?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The best,” Luke promises. “If anyone is going to make sure Rey beats this, it’s Ben. I just hope he doesn’t wait too long to tell her how he feels.” Luke turns his attention out the window, like Poe, just in time to see Ben hunker down and Rey jump on his back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben remembers very clearly giving Rey piggyback rides when she was little but he can never remember offering. Nor could he remember Rey asking for one. Like now, it had always been a situation that just… happened.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t remember enjoying it this much -- the heat of her body and the way her warm breath tickled his ears. He enjoys that and the way her soft breasts press into his back and the way her fingers curl into his shoulders to grip onto him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, she’d been six then and he’d been ten years her senior. He had no idea then how lovely a woman she would become.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Just over the hill there,” Rey points and Ben, whose arms are hooked under Rey’s thighs, tightens his grip as he begins to climb the slope.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When he makes it to the top, he’s smacked in the face with the scent of lavender and he remembers Rey excitedly telling him about how she’d planted it all because it blooms all summer and makes good pollen for honey. He carries her towards the hives and then lowers her onto the ground gently.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m just going to check on them real quick,” Rey says as she gets the smoker ready.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben stands back and allows Rey some space; he’d agreed to check on the bees, but what he hadn’t mentioned was how much he </span>
  <em>
    <span>hates</span>
  </em>
  <span> bugs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Come look,” Rey urges excitedly, waving him over after prying the lid open.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben slowly inches closer, moving cautiously as bees begin to escape the hive. He peers in from a safe distance, seeing nothing but a mass of moving insects that makes his skin crawl. “Okay you can close it no-” He feels a sharp pain in his neck, followed by his cheek and by the third sting, he realizes that there must have been a gap in his veil and he’s being stung. “Ow!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh! Ben! Are you okay? No don’t!” she cries, but it’s too late. In his panic, Ben rips off the veil and Rey jumps towards him, spraying smoke around as she shoves him down the hill. Through some miracle, they manage to stay on their feet all the way down, but when they get to the bottom, Rey takes off her veil and tosses it aside.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben falls to the ground, trying to catch his breath. His neck burns and so does his cheek, right below his eye and when Rey drops to her knees to examine the stings, she gasps. “What?” Ben asks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben, are you allergic to bees?” she asks carefully.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not that I know of. Why?” Ben replies and then clears his throat. Twice because it’s itchy.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Your face is swelling.” She tries to haul him up. “Let’s get back and put some ice on it…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>By the time they make it back to the house, Ben is fairly certain that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>allergic to bees and is experiencing mild anaphylaxis. But when he catches sight of his face in the window of the front door, he cringes. The skin around his right eye has ballooned so much that his eye is a mere slit and it looks like he’s trying to store a golf ball in his cheek.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He looks ridiculous</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey for her part, is not laughing -- probably because her entire face is crumpled in worry as she holds the door open and calls for Luke.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luke, however, is not as caring and as soon as his eyes land on Ben, he bursts out laughing. “What happened?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben got stung,” Rey says, hauling him into the kitchen and plopping him into the chair. She hurries to the freezer and fills a washcloth with ice. Rey sits in the chair next to him, so close that their legs touch, and she presses the ice pack against his face. He watches her from his good eye, the way she bites her lip in worry and brushes the hair out of his face. Ben would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy her fussing. He’d never been fussed over, not even by his own mother when he’d been sick with cancer. Not like this anyway. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luke comes back to the kitchen and tosses a box at Ben. “Take a couple of those.” It’s Benadryl and Ben knows that it’ll do the trick but he’d almost rather continue suffering if it meant that Rey would dote on him. “On second thought. Wait a second.” Luke grabs his phone and snaps a picture of Ben’s face. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Now</span>
  </em>
  <span> you can take it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey scowls at Luke the same way Ben does, but she stands up and gets him a glass of water as Ben pops a few of the pink pills from the blister pack. When the swelling begins to go down, the antihistamine kicks in and Ben excuses himself to go to bed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sooner he falls asleep, the sooner he can leave this hell-hole and get back to the city.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>A sound wakes Ben up at a quarter to five in the morning. He lays in bed, straining his ears to hear it again and it only takes a few moments before he realizes something is crawling in the walls. Mice.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He hears the little patter of their feet and it makes his skin crawl almost worse than the bees did, but it also makes his heart sink into his stomach. Mice carry disease and are potentially even worse for Rey’s health than the goats and chickens.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She can’t possibly stay here when everything around her has the potential of making her seriously ill. In a few weeks, her immune system will be shot and if she gets sick out here in the country, she’d never make it. Maybe things could be different if he were around to make sure she’s safe, but the thought of her getting ill and him being so far away…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Ben swallows, he feels the acidic bile in his throat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He climbs out of bed, knowing that he won’t get another wink of sleep he’s so worried about Rey. When he creeps into the hallway, he pauses outside of her door, and though he knows that nothing bad has happened to her overnight, he can’t resist pushing the door open a crack.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She’s curled up, hugging a pillow to her chest as she snores and once he’s sure she’s okay, he closes the door, turns, and runs smack into Luke. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” Luke asks suspiciously.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Checking on Rey,” Ben whispers. “What are </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> doing?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I was going to check on Rey,” Luke admits sheepishly. “Do you want some tea?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nods in agreement and follows his uncle down the stairs to the kitchen. He waits until the kettle is on the stove before he broaches the subject, “Rey can’t stay here.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Luke agrees with a nod of his head. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben is momentarily surprised that Luke has agreed so easily, but he presses on. “I heard mice in the walls.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“This is a country house. Of course there are mice in the walls,” Luke rolls his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mice carry diseases. In a few weeks Rey won’t have much of an immune system and I can’t risk her getting sick from mouse shit. Or goat shit. Or chicken shit.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I agree,” Luke nods.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So, you’ll tell her she can’t live here,” Ben ventures, looking for confirmation.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Me?” Luke looks surprised but then crosses his arms over his chest. “Oh, no. Not me. You’ll have to be the one to tell her.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why me?” Ben shoots back. “You’re her… father-ish figure.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No way!” Luke laughs. “You’re her doctor. You tell her.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Tell me what?” Rey yawns from the doorway as she shuffles into the kitchen. She yawns again and wipes the sleep out of her eyes as she tries to wake herself up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A stare-off between Ben and Luke commences. Both men know that Rey will not be happy with what they have to tell her and neither one is willing to break her heart. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Tell me what?” Rey repeats as the silence stretches on.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben heaves a sigh of defeat as Luke stands up and busies himself preparing the tea. “Rey, you can’t stay here.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” she asks and she blinks up at him sleepily with her doe eyes and Ben wants to tell her that he doesn’t mean anything at all and just give her whatever her heart wants. But the other part of him, the rational part, knows that it has to be done. There is no caving on this topic.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know you love it here, but for right now, it’s not healthy,” Ben begins. “The chickens and goats will make you sick. You can’t fight the cancer if your body is too busy trying to fight salmonella or listeria or hantavirus…” Or any of the other dozen diseases Ben can think of just off the top of his head. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But…” she begins and Ben cuts her off.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“There are no buts, Rey. This isn’t fair to ask, I know that. But you can’t get better staying here.” He lets the words sink in for a few long moments and in the meantime, Luke carries over a mug of tea for each of them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben grabs his and takes a sip and when he sets the mug back onto the table, he notices that Rey’s shoulders are shaking and he feels instant guilt at making her cry. Crushing guilt that he hasn’t felt since that night at the carnival when he’d found Rey soaking wet and shivering. He knows what he’s asked of her is what’s best, but it doesn’t mean his heart isn’t breaking at the sight of her tears. “Rey, I’m sorry…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She sniffs, shaking her head and then the dam seems to burst and she wails, “I don’t have anywhere else to go!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben pauses because that hadn’t even been a question in his mind and his guilt increases tenfold at the thought of Rey thinking she was being turned out onto the streets. The whole time, even before he’d talked to Luke, he’d been planning on bringing Rey back to his apartment.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rey, I don’t think-” Luke begins.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“This is my home and I don’t have anywhere to go and I can’t just start over again and-”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rey,” Ben shushes her. When she turns to look at him with watery eyes and a dripping nose, he finds it hard not to pull her into his arms, she looks so broken. “You’ll come stay with me in Chicago.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The whole thing made perfect sense to </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span> -- her treatment was in Chicago and they were… friends. He wasn’t asking her to live on the streets. That was a whole other round of disease he wasn’t willing to expose her to.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey sniffs and turns to him with wide eyes, “Really?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luke chuckles and Ben nods, “Yeah. It’ll be fun, won’t it? Living in the city for a while. I’ll take you shopping and to museums and to Navy Pier…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Really?” Rey asks again and her eyes are still watery, but the smile she gives him is enough to take his breath away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure,” Ben manages, because his throat feels dry and his hands are itching to pull her into a hug. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And I can take BeeBee?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben frowns, “I didn’t say that…” He turns to Luke for help but his uncle shrugs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to go pack now!” Rey says and jumps out of her chair, pausing to throw her arms around Ben’s shoulders in a hug. “BeeBee~!” she calls as she sprints up the stairs and Ben hears the jingling of the dog’s collar as she yells, “We’re moving to Chicago!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I regret to inform you that we will start heading back into heavier material in the next couple of chapters but I hope you enjoyed Goat-Ben!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Honey Locust</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lovely coverart made by <a href="https://twitter.com/georgi_ps">Georgie</a></p>
<p>
  <a href="https://ibb.co/PD5y26R"></a>
  
</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>If the heart has devoted itself to love, there is </span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>not a single inch of emptiness.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>    - Honey Locust by Mary Oliver</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey thinks she’s being sneaky -- they’ve been in the car driving back to Chicago for nearly two hours. She’d fallen asleep somewhere just outside of Mt. Vernon and when she woke up an hour later, the opportunity to study Ben was too good to pass up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She’d have to be an idiot to not notice how handsome he is; first she takes her time counting the freckles on the side of his face as he focuses on the road. She traces the lines of his nose and the curves of his lips until she’s sure that she can close her eyes and picture him just as well in her head. The lobes of his ears stick out from under his hair and she’s struck with embarrassment at the sudden unbidden urge to nibble it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She takes her time because she doesn’t get to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>look</span>
  </em>
  <span> at Ben when she’s so afraid he’ll figure out exactly how she feels if she does. He’s incredibly good-looking, she thinks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you could be so quiet while you’re awake,” Ben says and Rey starts as he glances at her from the corner of his eye. He’s smirking.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her face turns red as she realizes she’s been caught staring so she quickly covers it up, “I’m not </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>loud.” It only serves to make her more embarrassed as she moves the chair back to its upright position -- Ben still sees her as the chattering five year old he used to know. He’s turned into this ridiculously handsome man and she’s still a child.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s a McDonald’s up the road. Want a McFlurry?” he asks, glancing over at her again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She perks up, almost completely forgetting what she’d been pouting about moments before. “Yes!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They order in the drive thru and eat them while sitting on a bench at a local dog park where Bee Bee can run around before getting back on the road. Rey offers to drive but she has a feeling that Ben doesn’t trust her to drive his fancy expensive car so she shrugs and settles into the passenger seat. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He buys her a magazine when they stop at a gas station and Rey reads it out loud to him -- it’s a copy of Cosmopolitan and she has to hide her blush when she gets to a section about sex positions but she quickly earmarks it to read later when she’s alone. She reads the less scandalous articles out loud and grins when Ben adds colorful commentary to a particularly silly piece on the Kardashians.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They’re just outside of Chicago when Ben clears his throat and when Rey turns her attention from the magazine, she can see that he’s entered serious mode. “We should talk about the living arrangements.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can sleep on the couch,” Rey offers right away. “I’m the one putting you out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben shakes his head, “No. You need somewhere comfortable to sleep.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So do you,” Rey points out. “You’re a doctor. You save lives. You’re more important.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rey,” he says, and his voice is warning. “Nothing is more important than you getting better. You’re taking the bed.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey finds it hard to argue -- his voice is so full of conviction that she’s almost afraid to even try. Her eyes flicker to where he’s gripping the steering wheel and there’s something in his words and his tone that make arousal stir in her belly. “O-Okay…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He relaxes once he senses she’s finished arguing. “The fact that you’re staying with me has to be a secret, ok?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey frowns, “Why?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I’m your doctor and it breaks all kinds of moral codes. If my boss knew that you’re sleeping in my bed, I’d be in front of the ethics committee in the blink of an eye. I could lose my job,” Ben explains.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The frown on her face intensifies, a little wrinkle forming between her brows, “That’s not fair and it’s not like we’re sleeping in bed </span>
  <em>
    <span>together</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Except that one time…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rey,” Ben interrupts and it’s clear he’s fighting back a smirk. “That one time stays between you and me. Don’t tell Phasma or Luke or anyone else, got it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I wasn’t going to,” She pouts, but when she thinks about it, she knows there’s a strong possibility that she would have blurted it out at some point. Despite how innocent it had been, Rey isn’t naive enough to think that people wouldn’t have perverted the situation. They’re both legal adults and </span>
  <em>
    <span>other people</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn’t know that Ben still saw her as a child.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They also didn’t know that in the days since then, Rey has had all kinds of indecent thoughts about what could have happened if Ben didn’t see her as a child. Thoughts that will undoubtedly be a little more inventive once she has some time alone with her Cosmo magazine.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh-huh,” Ben teases as they enter the city limits.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When they get to the apartment, Ben clears out some of his dresser drawers for her and gives her some privacy to unpack her things. By the time she steps into the living room, Ben is trying to cajole Bee Bee out of his chair but the dog just looks at Ben with a bored expression.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rey, your dog is in my chair,” Ben complains.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He was sitting there first,” Rey shrugs and Ben looks as though he might explode. She watches with amusement as he calms himself down before she asks, “What’s for dinner?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben scratches the back of his neck as Rey plops herself onto the arm of the couch. “Actually, I have that dinner with Bazine tonight.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey’s heart plummets. “Oh.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But I’ll order whatever you want for dinner before I go,” Ben says quickly. “I don’t have much to eat here.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey doesn’t care about food anymore -- her stomach is churning at the thought of Ben on a date with the pretty receptionist that doesn’t like her. She pushes aside that thought and asks in the most nonchalant voice she can muster, “So will you be home tonight or…?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben gives her a look. “Rey,” he begins and she picks at a loose thread in the upholstery as she tries not to pout. “I already told you it’s not like that. She did a favor for me so I owe her dinner. Two co-workers going out for a meal. That’s it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods but there’s a voice in the back of her mind wondering if Bazine knows that it’s just a date between co-workers. Bazine, who is much prettier and more poised than Rey and while Rey knows that Ben isn’t interested in her, she can’t help but cling to some kind of hope that something more than friendship could blossom between them. “Okay. I want pizza again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Pizza? Again? That’s the third time this week and…” Ben trails off as Rey narrows her eyes, as if daring him to tell her that she can’t have more pizza. “Ok, pizza it is.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben puts on a suit to meet Bazine for dinner and avoids making eye contact with Rey as he gets ready to leave -- he’s well aware that it </span>
  <em>
    <span>looks</span>
  </em>
  <span> like he’s dressed for a date but that’s only because Bazine had picked a nice restaurant. “I’m heading out now.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey says nothing but he can feel her eyes on him from where she sits on the couch, wearing another one of his t-shirts and a pair of his gym shorts as she stuffs a huge bite of pizza into her mouth.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When he arrives at the restaurant, he’s still thinking about how upset Rey seemed and in his mind, he writes it off not as jealousy but as annoyance that he’s not having dinner with her on her first night living in the city. He’s already decided, as the waiter seats him, that he’ll bring her home some dessert.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello, Dr. Solo,” Bazine greets as she joins him at their table. She’s dressed in a black cocktail dress and has her hair twisted up in some kind of intricate knot that reminded him just a little too much of his mother. She looks good, Ben admits, and perhaps if his brain weren’t so preoccupied with Rey, he’d be interested in seeing where the night goes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Bazine,” he nods and hands her a menu. The quicker they get this over with, the quicker he can make his absence up to Rey.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How is Little Rey doing?” she asks as she looks over the menu, deciding quickly and handing it off to the waiter.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How would I know?” Ben shoots back, trying to play it cool. He can’t let anyone know that she’s currently in his apartment, wearing his gym clothes like pajamas.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you guys were like… cousins or something,” Bazine shrugs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Definitely not,” Ben barks and then untenses his shoulders. He knows there’s no point getting too defensive and that will only make the situation even more suspicious. “She’s an old family friend,” he explains.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“She’s pretty,” Bazine points out. “More than a cousin, perhaps?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben narrows his eyes, “What is that supposed to mean?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know. You’re committing insurance fraud for her. I just thought maybe she was a girlfriend or…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t miss the way Bazine’s eyes dart towards the bar and when Ben looks over, he sees a familiar quaff of red hair. “Is… is that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hux</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bazine stammers, “Uh, I don’t know. It could be?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Hux catches sight of Ben, he turns away quickly, hunching in on himself to hide. A strange paranoid feeling creeps up on him. “What is going on here?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The jig is up, Armie,” Bazine calls and when Hux walks over with a scotch in his hand, he at least has the decency to look embarrassed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What is this?” Ben asks, confused. “Why are you here and why is Bazine grilling me about Rey?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hux sighs and grabs a chair from a nearby table, pulling it over and settling in. “You know Bazine is a gossip,” Hux grumbles.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey!” Bazine says indignantly but when she opens her mouth to argue, it’s obvious to everyone involved that she doesn’t have a leg to stand on.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“She wanted the gossip,” Hux continues, “And I wanted to make sure you didn’t hit on her.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You and Bazine?” Ben asks, almost incredulously and then rolls his eyes, “I should have known from how much time you spend at reception flirting.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We do </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> flirt!” Hux argues, but his face is as red as his hair.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh-huh,” all they get is another eye-roll from Ben as he rises from the table. “Well, I’ll leave you two alone to your date. It’s on me since Hux is a notorious cheapskate.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t stay around long enough to listen to their objections; he gives his credit card information to the hostess and leaves. Now that he knows how much gossip is floating around, he’ll have to be more careful about how he acts around Rey in the hospital. But for now, he’s all but too eager to head home and see her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey eats three huge slices of pizza and then puts the leftovers in the refrigerator. She watches tv for a few minutes but she finds that she doesn’t have the attention span for it. At Luke’s, he only has local channels so she never watches the tv and anyways, she would much rather be doing something.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She remembers the Cosmo magazine lying on the foot of Ben’s immaculately made bed and goes to retrieve it -- now that she has the apartment all to herself, she can study the magazine as it was intended.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bee Bee follows her into the bedroom and Rey pauses at the dresser, opening Ben’s side to check if his box of condoms was still inside. She finds it easily -- Ben had buried it under a pile of underwear but he’d underestimated Rey’s sense of shame. This time, she counts the condoms inside so that next time he goes out with a woman, she’ll know if it’s really just a dinner between co-workers.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s part of her that knows it’s none of her business and that it’s a situation she’ll probably have to confront at some point while she lives with Ben. He’s young and very attractive and she’s sure he has… physical needs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She makes a face at the thought and sits on the bed, grabbing the magazine. As if sensing her distress, Bee Bee trots over and rests his chin on her knee and Rey scratches his head as she tries to find the section about sex positions again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tuning out the voice that is curious about Ben’s sexual partners, she focuses instead on the little drawings and explanations of positions -- she’s a total virgin but she can at least decipher which ones appeal to her most and before long she’s daydreaming about sitting atop Ben and she shifts as arousal stirs in her belly and dampens her panties.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She stands quickly and marches to the bathroom and when Bee Bee tries to follow, she closes the door in his face. “I need some alone time!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>While the bathtub fills with water, she strips down and tries to hide her guilt. She’s a grown woman and if she wants to ease some stress, she’s allowed to -- Ben doesn’t ever need to know it’s him she’s thinking of!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her fingers start working as the water rises, experimental strokes back and forth against that little nubbin that feels the best. She’s done this before, a few times, but the paranoia of being walked in on at foster homes and again at Luke’s prevented it from becoming a habit. Besides, she’d never really had anyone to </span>
  <em>
    <span>think</span>
  </em>
  <span> about before.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She sinks into the tub when it’s full and leans back, closing her eyes as she continues rubbing, this time with more pressure as she wonders what Ben looks like naked, what it would feel like to have his lips and tongue between her legs or even his…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The blush deepens but it feels too good to stop, even if she is perverting her friendship with Ben in a way that he wouldn’t appreciate. She imagines that he’d tell her she’s pretty and that she feels better than anyone else he’s been with, she thinks about how red the tips of his ears would get as he thrusts into her and how huge his hands would feel when they settled on her hips.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When she’s thinking of Ben, it takes no time at all for her sighs to turn to moans as she crests, and she’s certainly glad that no one is around to hear her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Ben gets back to the apartment, Bee Bee jumps off the chair and gallops to the door -- he’s going to have to have a conversation with Rey about letting the dog on the furniture. The dog’s tail is wagging and his tongue sticks out the side of his mouth and he’s begrudgingly reminded of how much he actually likes dogs. “Where’s Rey?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bee Bee leads Ben to the bathroom door and sits obediently outside of it, giving Ben a look. “Oh, locked out, huh?” He hears Rey splashing around and deduces that she’s in the bath.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bee Bee makes a whining noise but it’s quickly drowned out by what is </span>
  <em>
    <span>distinctly </span>
  </em>
  <span>a moan. A very erotic sounding moan that makes Ben’s cock twitch eagerly in his pants because he had not known that Rey was capable of anything that sounded that goddamn indecent.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit,” he breathes and backs towards the door. Rey is touching herself. In the bath. Wet and Naked. He can feel his brain short-circuiting. He sets the box of cheesecake he’d bought for Rey on the table and grabs the leash. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s go outside and go potty,” he tells Bee Bee. He can’t imagine anything worse than Rey walking out of the bathroom to find him there eavesdropping with a partial hard-on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Rey dries off and redresses into Ben’s clothes, she steps back into the living room on wobbly legs from what was the most intense orgasm she’d ever given herself. “Bee Bee?” she calls, mostly because she is so used to having him on her heels.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s no jangle from his collar and Rey frowns before noticing the cake box and the missing leash from the back of the door. Her face turns bright pink as she realizes that Ben had come home and that he’d quite possibly heard what she’d been doing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” she groans, banging her head against the wall. “No, no, no…” The utter humiliation of having Ben know that she’d been playing with herself in his bathroom -- she’d never be able to look him in the face again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But when he re-enters the apartment five minutes later, his face gives nothing away. “Hey, Bee Bee had to use the bathroom so I took him for a little walk.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods and tries to control the heat creeping up her neck, “O-oh. G-good. Have you been home long?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ben shakes his head and turns his attention towards the box of cheesecake. “I walked in the door and right away Bee Bee wanted out so I only had time to put the box down.” He holds it out to her and when Rey takes it, she feels the spark of hope that Ben hadn’t heard anything at all then. “Cheesecake.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Rey’s face lights up and she brings it to the kitchen, taking down three plates. “Your dinner was short.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah. Dr. Hux showed up and he’s got a thing for Bazine so I let him take over the dinner. Thought it might be nice to give them some alone time,” Ben explains as Rey cuts three slices of cake. “Uh, Rey… what are you doing?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Cake. A slice for you, for me and for Bee Bee…” She says and before Ben can scold her, Rey puts a plate on the floor for the dog.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You shouldn’t give him people food,” he scolds anyway as she hands him his own plate.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s never eaten dog food. He just gets table scraps,” Rey shrugs as she carries her plate to the couch and plops down.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bee Bee eats his own slice and follows after Ben, licking his lips and staring at the plate as Ben sits. “No, you can’t have any…” he nudges the dog away. “And you can’t sit on the furniture anymore either. You’re getting dander everywhere.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Dander,” Rey snorts. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not funny. Dander could get you sick. I’ll send him back to Luke,” Ben warns. “Your health comes first.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bee Bee marches over to Rey, sitting at her feet and giving her his best puppy eyes, “Don’t listen to meanie Ben,” Rey coos. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She watches in amusement as Ben’s nostrils flare, but he grabs the remote and turns on the tv instead of arguing. At some point, she falls asleep watching tv on the couch but when she wakes up, she’s been tucked into Ben’s giant bed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s still sleeping when she enters the living room and she can’t help the grin that stretches across her face at the sight of Bee Bee squeezed onto the couch, curled up behind Ben’s bent legs as they both sleep. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She moves about the kitchen as quietly as she can, preparing scrambled eggs and avocado toast for breakfast, and when Ben stumbles into the kitchen with messy hair and a grunt instead of a good morning, her heart flutters as she imagines what could be.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It won’t do her any good to picture what it would be like if he was her husband, but she does anyone -- wondering if he’d hug her good morning from behind as she makes him breakfast and grunt in her ear instead of into the cupboard as he reaches for a coffee cup.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They eat breakfast and then take Bee Bee for a walk -- Rey has to laugh because her dog is having the time of his life, stopping every few feet so that a new friend could give him head scratches. “I think he likes it in the city,” Ben jokes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rey nods as Bee Bee wags his tail at an elderly woman who coos at him, “Back home his only friends are me and Poe. Luke hates him and there are no other neighbors that stop by.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When they get back home, Ben stops by the lobby to get an extra key for her and shows her around the facilities -- the gym and the pool (which Rey looks at excitedly) and then back at his apartment, he shows her how to use the washer and dryer and Rey excitedly does a load of his laundry for him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a day of domestic bliss, as far as Rey is concerned, and one where she can at least pretend that she is Ben’s.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So um... no Phasma this chapter. I was putting off writing that chapter for days and I think I need a couple more to emotionally prepare myself for it so have this domestic fluff instead that was hugely inspired by <a href="https://twitter.com/RenTinFinn/status/1380755647759802368">Cat's</a> art of Bee Bee (who is in fact loving the city life).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HELLO PLEASE READ ME!</p><p>*this chapter will deal with fertility issues so if that's a sensitive topic, please take care in reading and as always, I am available to talk if you need to!*</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>-When Death Comes by Mary Oliver</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <span>Good things never last and that’s a lesson that Rey has learned so many times that she isn’t sure why she’s slipped into such a comfortable little lie with Ben and Bee Bee. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The morning starts off well enough when Ben opens the bedroom door a crack and Bee Bee jumps onto it to wake her up with his slobbery tongue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first indication that today will not be a good one should have been the dark green smoothie that Ben set in front of her, claiming it’s breakfast. “Spinach, Kale, Banana, pineapple and spirulina.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey makes a face at that last word. She’d smelled Ben’s spirulina crap. She pushes the glass away, “Maybe I’ll just have some coffee.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You need to eat something good for you,” Ben insists and he sits across from her, scrolling on his phone as she drinks the murky concoction through a straw.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the smoothie is gone, Ben rinses the glass and ushers her out of the apartment. Not for the first time, she struggles to keep up with his long strides as they walk to the hospital -- she has to take two steps for each of his.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they get to the oncology floor, Ben is back in doctor mode and it’s hard not to notice the way other doctors regard him -- like he’s the most important person in the room. She wonders if Ben even notices it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How was the rest of your dinner on Saturday?” Ben asks Bazine as they stop by the reception area and Rey didn’t even know that someone as cool and poised as the receptionist could blush so much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben leans towards Rey, “She finished dinner with Dr. Hux.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey’s eyes widen as she whispers back, none too quietly, “The vampire?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bazine makes some kind of indignant sputtering noise as Ben turns Rey by the shoulders and marches her down the hall. When Rey looks up at him, she grins proudly as she notices the smirk he’s trying to hide. There’s a certain thrill in making Ben laugh that Rey finds addicting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have an appointment with Dr. Phasma first thing this morning and then you can head back by yourself,” Ben explains. “You won’t get lost, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey shakes her head, “Can’t I stay? We can go get lunch or--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got a full schedule today. Besides, you don’t want to leave Bee Bee too long, do you?” Ben points out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Rey tries not to sound disappointed as she answers, “I guess not.” She doesn’t want to seem ungrateful when Ben is giving her so much already but even with Bee Bee, she knows the apartment is going to seem empty and lonely without him. Besides, she’s so used to </span>
  <em>
    <span>doing</span>
  </em>
  <span> things -- tending to animals and going for walks and making things -- that she isn’t sure she’s even suited for city life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” Ben asks and Rey shakes her head at him. She can’t tell him that she misses Luke and the farm. Or that she doesn’t want to sit in his stuffy apartment all day. He’s giving her a roof over her head and trying to make sure that she doesn’t die.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben opens his mouth to say something else when Dr. Phasma sidles up to them, “Good morning, Dr. Solo. Rey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, hello, Dr. Phasma,” Rey smiles, thankful for the interruption. She knows that if Ben had asked her what was wrong a second time, the flood gates would have opened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you mind if I steal your </span>
  <em>
    <span>patient</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Dr. Solo?” Phasma grins and the emphasis that the older woman puts on the word patient makes Ben’s eyebrow raise in an unimpressed way. He looks so serious and it makes Rey’s belly flop.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, let’s go,” Rey answers for him, marching down the hall before he sees how much his expression has affected her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How was your weekend, Ms. Jackson?” Phasma asks as she holds her exam room door open.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, it was nice. Ben took me back to Marion but then he freaked out because we have goats and chickens and--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Phasma cringes, “Yes. Hopefully he broke it to you </span>
  <em>
    <span>gently</span>
  </em>
  <span> that living with farm animals is a big no-no?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey nods, “Yeah so we came back here and I’m going to be staying at Ben’s instead and-” Her face crumples. She wasn’t supposed to tell Phasma that. “Uh, just for last night! I’ll be staying with friends. Um yes. In, uh… Evanston?” She pulls the name somewhere from her memory.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Phasma’s face turns pink and her lips purse and for a moment Rey thinks maybe her doctor is having trouble breathing, but then she bursts out laughing. “Good God, you can’t keep a secret for shit, can you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey groans. “Don’t tell him I said anything. You have to keep it a secret,” she pleads. “I told him I wouldn’t say anything. It’s not like it means anything. We’re old friends and he’s sleeping alone. Well, technically with my dog Bee Bee. But I don’t want him to get in trouble when he’s--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Relax,” Phasma waves a hand at her. “I won’t tell him you spilled the beans. But you should really work on being less… transparent.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rey frowns as Phasma flips some pages on her chart and sits down on a stool.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just that you should maybe work on keeping secrets. And not staring at Dr. Solo like he’s God’s gift to the world…” Phasma bites her bottom lip again, like she’s trying to keep from laughing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey isn’t sure what to say, because while she’s never considered Ben God’s gift to the world, she’d be lying if she hadn’t thought of him as a gift to </span>
  <em>
    <span>her. </span>
  </em>
  <span>As embarrassing as it is to be called out so bluntly, it makes Rey realize that maybe she hasn’t been as discreet with her feelings as she’d hoped. But as long as </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn’t know…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now, we have some important things to talk about today, I’m afraid.” Phasma puts on her serious doctor face and all thoughts of her crush on Ben fly out the window. She’s been through cancer once, sure, but that doesn’t make this second time any easier.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About what?” Rey asks, and she’s positive that her voice cracks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We need to talk about fertility options,” Phasma begins. “I know you’re young and you’re not thinking about it right now…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fertility…” Rey trails off. “Like babies?” Suddenly, she’s thinking of Ben again and it must be all over her face because Phasma has to hide yet another smirk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. We’re going to do everything we can but there’s no guarantee that we’ll be able to save your ovaries or even your uterus,” Phasma continues once she composes herself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right…” Rey nods because she’s fairly certain Ben had said something similar during their initial consultation. Back when he’d referred to all her lady parts in scientific terms that made her heart sink lower and lower. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Which means that you may never be able to carry a child of your own,” Phasma continues explaining and the tone she uses makes it clear that she’s uncomfortable having to explain what should have been obvious.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Obvious to anyone but Rey and for the first time, it makes her realize how childish she actually is -- she’s never thought about motherhood or what her reproductive parts were for or what the implications of ovarian cancer would be even if she survived. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tears that prickle at her eyes are unbidden and bitter and confusing. She’d never dreamt of having children of her own, not when there were so many other things that were supposed to come first. She wants to have a first kiss, publish her poetry, travel the world, fall madly in love…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her mind flits back to Ben. Kissing Ben for the first time. Dedicating her book to him. A honeymoon in Paris. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And someday, children. Pretty children with his dark hair and full lips and her freckles… and his ears. A tear slips down her cheek at the thought because even if by some miracle he returned her feelings and she survived all of this, she might never be able to give him a happily ever after.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It isn’t fair, Rey wants to say. It isn’t fair that she has to go through this twice in a lifetime. Or that surviving might mean taking away any chance she has at motherhood. Or that she can never have Ben because even if he falls madly in love with her, she’ll never be what he deserves.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She blinks back the tears, deciding that she has to be stronger than this. She can’t fall apart in front of Phasma or Ben or anyone else. She can’t keep being transparent and letting everyone see what she’s thinking. From now on, she has to lock it up because Ben can’t know her feelings. For her sake, and even for his, she has to let go of these feelings. She has to let go of Ben.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey,” Phasma reaches over and touches her arm. “There are other options, okay? We can harvest some eggs now. But we need to decide soon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She feels a spark of hope but she squashes it down as she asks, “Is it expensive?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I mean, out of pocket it’s probably over $30,000 but your insurance might-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey shakes her head and tries to talk around the lump that’s formed in her throat, “That’s alright…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Phasma’s face falls, “Ms. Jackson. Rey. Are you sure? It might be too late if you change your mind in a month or-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure,” Rey cuts her off again. She puts on the bravest facade she has as she continues, “I’m not even in a position to think about that, you know? I mean, I’m still a raging virgin and I’m not in a relationship and maybe I won’t even be alive a year from now…” The tone she rambles in is light and she’s trying her hardest to turn it all into a joke, to be light and playful about the entire situation, no matter how dark it all actually is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it’s what she’s always done. When she was a kid, she’d joke and charm her way into putting every adult around her at ease over her situation. If the sick kid is joking about dying, it can’t be so bad, right? The kid isn’t afraid, so we don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>have</span>
  </em>
  <span> to feel bad that she’s dying. That no one visits her. That she has no parents.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey shoots Phasma her cheekiest grin, but it slides from her face as her doctor returns the look with concern. “Take some time to think about it. You should talk to someone, Rey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The nod Rey gives is terse, completely perfunctory, because the thing is that Rey has no one she can talk to about this. She has Luke who is the closest thing she has to a father and she is positive that he doesn’t want to hear anything about her reproductive health. Either that, or he would offer to sell his farm to pay for her eggs and she couldn’t live with herself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then there’s Ben, who has only just now come back into her life and the last thing she wants to chat about is her inability to have kids. Besides, as her doctor, he’s probably already figured it out on his own. Worst of all, her inability to have children will only make her even less desirable in his eyes. Her heart wouldn’t be able to take it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good,” Phasma says, “Now we’ll get you started on your next round of chemo and you’re free to go as soon as it’s finished, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey nods as Phasma hooks her up to the IV drip. A different doctor comes by to unhook her when it’s all done and Rey returns back to Ben’s apartment -- her mood at rock bottom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The conversation with Rey doesn’t sit right with Phasma. She thinks about it as she hooks Rey up and as she leaves her to make rounds with her patients. She keeps thinking about it over lunch -- a turkey sandwich on wheat bread -- and still as she sneaks a candy bar from the vending machine twenty minutes later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t get involved with her patients’ personal lives. It’s the textbook definition of unprofessional, but the truth is that she likes Rey on a personal level. And then there’s Dr. Solo to think about -- even if they aren’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>friends</span>
  </em>
  <span>, they are more than simple colleagues. She respects him more than anyone else she’s ever worked for; he’s a brilliant doctor, a hard-worker and a good man. She wouldn’t have followed him to Chicago if she thought any different.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And well, it was obvious to her (and half the hospital if the rumors were to be believed) that Rey Jackson was someone very special to Dr. Solo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Melanie Phasma had been called many things in her life, but stupid was not one of them. Whatever decision Rey made now, Phasma has no doubts that it would affect Ben Solo just as much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ten minutes pass as she paces outside of his office door -- on the one hand, doctor-patient confidentiality prevents her from discussing Rey’s reproductive health with Ben Solo. But on the other hand, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Doctor</span>
  </em>
  <span> Solo was also her attending physician in the oncology department and there was technically nothing stopping her from telling him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door swings open before she’s managed to convince herself one way or the other and she freezes at the same time Ben does. “Dr. Phasma…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“D-dr. Solo…” she clears her throat and straightens up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is everything alright?” he asks, and his face softens in a way that makes it clear the question is in concern of the well-being of one particular person.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Phasma begins and then sighs, “Well, no.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is it?” Ben asks, leaning against the door and crossing his arms over his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Phasma’s eyes dart over his shoulder and she notices the flamingo has somehow resumed its place on his file cabinet. Rey is important to him, and from the backstory she’s been told, Rey is the reason why he’s a doctor today. She can’t leave him completely in the dark. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m concerned. About Rey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben blinks and Phasma sees the twitch under his eye as he struggles to keep his face impassive, “Is something wrong?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Healthwise, she’s fine, doctor,” Phasma begins and stumbles over her words as she continues on, “And because she’s also your friend I can’t in good conscience reveal the details of our conversation, but I’m worried about her mental health…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s face turns pale, “Did she say something?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Phasma shakes her head, “No, it’s not that bad. I just think she really needs someone to talk to…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She has Luke and--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Someone </span>
  <em>
    <span>female</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Phasma continues. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Ben replies stupidly. “Right. Because…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because she’s a female and has gynaecologic cancer and maybe she needs to speak to a woman about things that are too uncomfortable to talk about with father-figures and attractive single men…” Phasma says it as plainly as possible without spelling it out for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, yeah. I’ll see what I can do,” Ben nods and runs a hand through his hair. “Thank you for telling me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Phasma nods and straightens up -- a weight lifted off her shoulders as she continues her afternoon rounds. Ben didn’t pick up on her obvious hint about Rey’s feelings, but at least he cared enough to help her out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Ben gets home from work, the lights in his apartment are out but the tv is on and he sees Rey curled up on the couch. “Shhh,” he whispers to Bee Bee as he sets his keys and wallet on the table at the entryway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The closer Ben steps to the couch, the louder Bee Bee’s tail thumps against the cushions and if he weren’t so worried about waking Rey, he’d laugh. He scratches the dog’s ears and then crouches down to take Rey’s phone from the table.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He feels bad about snooping, but he isn’t sure what else to do. Rey mentioned a couple of friends and he only has to click through the few names in her contacts list before he finds it -- Rose Tico.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a shaky hand, he copies the number into his own phone and sends a message: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hi, you don’t know me but I’m a friend of Rey. She’s having a tough time right now and could use a friend to talk to. Please reach out to her when you get a chance. Don’t tell her I sent this message.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hits send before his conscience gets the better of him -- it’s a total invasion of Rey’s privacy but if Dr. Phasma is concerned enough to risk breaking doctor-patient confidentiality by telling him, it is worth the chance Rey might find out and get angry at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After setting her phone down where he found it, he goes to the kitchen and looks through his take-out menus. He’ll have to go grocery shopping eventually because he couldn’t keep letting Rey eat junk food, but for tonight, it’ll have to do.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He settles on thai food and Rey stirs as he calls in the order. “Are you hungry?” he asks, after hanging up. It could go either way after a round of chemo.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey wipes the sleep from her eyes as she pads into the kitchen, “I slept all afternoon…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can tell she’s been crying and he swallows at the sight of her puffy red eyes and blotchy skin. Part of him hopes that she’ll open up to him, tell him what’s wrong. “Yeah, chemo can wear you out. I ordered thai food…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her stomach growls as she says, “I’ve never had it…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll like it,” he promises.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey’s phone rings and she stumbles back to the living room to grab it. Ben doesn’t miss the way her face lights up when she sees the caller ID. “Rose?” she says as she answers the phone. “Hold on…” she holds the phone away. “I’m going to take this in the other room…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben nods and watches as Rey excitedly goes to his room and closes the door -- even if she finds out he intervened, he’s instantly glad that he did. Maybe Phasma was right; maybe Rey just needs a girlfriend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I miss you,” Rey practically squeals as she plops down on the bed. “How is Finn? How are the wedding plans coming along?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good,” Rose says and Rey can </span>
  <em>
    <span>hear</span>
  </em>
  <span> how happy Rose is. She fights back the jealousy and tries to think about how she might never have that. “You’re coming, right? We’ll be doing it in Tennessee of course.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um, yeah… I can probably make it,” Rey hedges.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Probably? I’ll kill you if you don’t come. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Finn</span>
  </em>
  <span> will kill you…” Rose continues and she sounds so cheery despite the death threats that Rey can’t help but grin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It fades soon enough as she nervously searches for the words she needs to say, “Um, it depends on whether my doctor says it's okay to travel.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your doctor?” Rose asks. “Rey…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um, so yeah. I’ve been meaning to tell you…” She doesn’t know why she’s so nervous; it’s not like she’s breaking the news that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rose</span>
  </em>
  <span> has cancer. “I’m sick.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re sick?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I um, I have cancer again,” Rey’s voice cracks as she says it and the sheer terror she feels can only be compared to being caught doing something she shouldn’t have done. Like cancer is something she needs to apologize for.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s silence for a long stretch before Rose finally says, “Oh, Rey…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tears are back, even though Rey spent all afternoon curled in a ball on the couch crying. She didn’t think she had any tears left to cry at all but the second she hears Rose’s heartbreak over the phone, they’re back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey feels just as broken but there’s relief there too because she’d been so afraid of telling Rose -- maybe out of fear that no one would care. Rose and Finn left her behind when they went off to college and maybe all this time she’d resented it so much that she’d tricked herself into believing her cancer would be a burden to their happiness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tell me,” Rose sniffles. “Tell me everything, Rey…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So she does. She tells Rose about the cancer and how she met Ben again after so many years. She tells her about the diagnosis and about how the cancer might spread. She tells Rose about how she can’t afford to harvest the eggs and how she’ll never be able to have babies.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Rose patiently listens, interrupting her only long enough to tell her that she’s booked a ticket to Chicago for Friday night. Rey promises to pick her up from the airport, even though she has no idea where it is or if Ben will be annoyed that her friend invited herself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sheepishly, she pulls the bedroom door open and finds Ben and Bee Bee on the couch watching tv and eating straight from the take-out containers. “Everything ok?” Ben asks as Rey creeps to the kitchen and begins piling mysterious food onto her plate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nods, “Um, yes?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With her full plate, she plops down on the other side of Bee Bee and, once realizing that Rey is more likely to give him table scraps, he turns his attention towards her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you up to?” Ben asks, and when he glances over, he catches Rey feeding Bee Bee a noodle from the pad thai.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um, my-friend-is-coming-on-Friday-and-I-kinda-told-her-she-could-stay-here,” Rey spits out in one long breath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s fine,” Ben shrugs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Rey asks excitedly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” Ben teases, “As long as she’s not expecting me and Bee Bee to share the couch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gives him a look, but she’s pleased that he’s not upset. The thought of seeing Rose again after so long is the only thing all day that has lifted her mood. Well, maybe that <em>and</em> eating take-out with Ben on the couch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry not sorry for the angst!</p><p>On the FLUFF-side, we'll have a visit from Rose next chapter! Wonder what those two gals will get up to and how nuts they'll drive Ben!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. March</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><blockquote>
  <h3>There isn’t anything in this world but mad love. <br/>Not in this world. <br/>No tame love, calm love, mild love, no so-so love. <br/>And of course, no reasonable love.<br/>Also there are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving. <br/>But, who wants easier?</h3>
  <p>- March by Mary Oliver</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <span>The novelty of living in Chicago wears off too quickly for Rey’s liking. After her second round of chemo, there were no appointments or scheduled rounds of chemotherapy for the rest of the week.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For a whole two days, she’d made the trek to the hospital in the afternoon to bring Ben lunch, but it quickly became clear that he was too busy to eat with her. She’s thought about going to see Phasma, maybe having lunch with </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but Rey knew that the conversation would turn to her eggs and she didn’t want to think about that any more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On the third day, her restlessness gets the best of her. She’s been cooped up in Ben’s apartment all day and Bee Bee keeps watching the door, waiting for Ben’s return the way he does every day. She’s already had to hide two pairs of Ben’s shoes that Bee Bee had chewed to shreds -- the dog was smart enough to realize that if Ben had no shoes, then he couldn’t leave.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to go for a walk?” she asks Bee Bee once she realizes that she’s also been staring at the door in anticipation. Bee Bee leaps up onto all fours, tail wagging as Rey grabs the leash and puts on her shoes. “Alright, dingus, let’s go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s busy schedule at the hospital doesn’t keep him from missing Rey and when she doesn’t stop by at lunch like she had the previous two days, he worries. Not that he’d had time the past two days to actually sit down and eat with her, and not that he was oblivious to her disappointment both times he’d turned down her invitation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he finishes all of his appointments and making his rounds, he hurries from the hospital so that he has plenty of time to spend with Rey before she gets too tired to keep her eyes open -- a common occurrence and not one that Ben would dream of complaining about when it means that he gets to carry her to bed and tuck her in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As soon as the elevator doors to his floor open, he pulls his keys out of his pocket and is stopped as his neighbor, a grey-haired widow whose name Ben couldn’t remember, poked her head out, “Oh, Dr. Solo!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello, how are you?” Ben asks politely as he slides his key into the lock.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, fine, fine. I hope you don’t mind that I poached your dog walker…” she continues as she approaches him in the hallway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My dog walker? I don’t have…” Ben begins, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, but when the elevator dings and the doors open, his attention turns to Rey who stumbles out as an army of dogs exit the elevator.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben! You’re home!” The smile she gives him stretches across her entire face and for a brief moment Ben forgets the chaotic scene in front of him. He’s completely unaware of the fact that his smile is mirroring hers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” The old woman looks between Rey and Ben. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Is this your girlfriend, Dr. Solo?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben blinks and his face heats up, “I…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The old woman takes one of the leashes from Rey, one attached to three tiny white fluff balls, and clicks her tongue, “You should have told me that, dear! You let me treat you like a dog walker…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mind!” Rey insists, turning her grin towards the old woman. “Bee Bee liked the company.” Bee Bee, meanwhile, is paying no attention to the conversation as he runs circles around Ben, tangling him up in the leash.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well at least let me pay you, sweetheart,” the woman insists, pulling a $20 bill from her pocket and handing it to Rey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey holds the twenty and stares at it with something akin to awe. “Really? You don’t have to…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I insist,” she says. “Now I’ll give you two some privacy. Oh, I’m so glad you’re not all alone anymore. I worry about you, Dr. Solo…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before Ben has a chance to correct the older woman, she’s herding her dogs into her own apartment. Rey, luckily, says nothing at all in response to his neighbor’s assumption regarding their relationship, and helps untangle the leash from around Ben’s legs. “Calm down, Bee Bee,” Rey scolds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He finishes unlocking the door and holds it open for Rey, “You didn’t have to walk the neighbor’s dog.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t mind,” Rey shrugs. “Mrs. Baker is nice.” Ben makes mental note of his neighbor’s name as she continues, “And Mr. Martin down on the second floor too…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben drops his wallet onto the table, “Rey, how many dogs did you walk today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just five,” Rey says sheepishly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Why</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” he questions, because he can’t imagine the twenty dollar bill that Mrs. Baker gave Rey was worth all of the effort. Besides, if Rey wanted spending money, all she had to do was ask.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey shrugs, “I was bored. And it was nice feeling useful. I’m used to helping Luke on the farm and your apartment is so…” She gestures around at the lack of furniture and knick knacks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sterile?” Ben supplies, because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>likes</span>
  </em>
  <span> his space orderly and clean. Just like an operating room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Boring,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” she corrects. “You don’t even have any pictures or art or flowers. And you have all these big windows but no plants!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben knows he’d forget to water them; there’s nothing particularly nurturing about him and his bedside manner is the butt of the joke as far as Dr. Hux and Dr. Phasma is concerned. But he’d do just about anything to make Rey happy so he says, “I’ll tell you what: after dinner I’ll show you how to use the L and I’ll give you my credit card so you can go shopping for whatever art or flowers or whatever you want.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey’s entire face lights up and she grabs his arm, “Do you mean it, Ben?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shoots her an amused smirk, “Yes. I mean, as long as you don’t go nuts buying expensive furniture.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I won’t! I promise!” Rey gushes and follows Ben around as he prepares dinner, talking his ear off about what kind of flowers she wants to buy and what colors would be nice accents. He’s happy that </span>
  <em>
    <span>she’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> happy and after dinner he takes her out and teaches her how to buy train tickets and how to read the map. He’s nervous about just letting her run around Chicago by herself, even after he installs an app that uses GPS to find the closest transit station, but she’s so excited he bites his tongue every time he thinks about taking his offer back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey deserves happiness and he has to remember that protecting her shouldn’t mean holding her back from that. Keeping her alive is the most important thing, he’s told himself over and over, but so is her happiness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Ben gets home from work the next day, the windows are lined with all kinds of potted plants and it’s so jarring that he almost thinks he’s in the wrong apartment until Rey bounces excitedly in front of him, “What do you think?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s very… green?” Ben says and cringes when he notices a trail of dirt across his floors.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t it perfect?” She grins, turning to look at her work. “I picked out ones that google said are easy to take care of. And I gave them all names: this is Bruno and Marco and Paul…” she points out each of the plants to him and he tries his best to remember all of the names because she seems so proud of herself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The following day, there are new throw pillows on the couch -- “They’re made from imitation tibetan lamb fur! I bought black because they reminded me of goat Ben…” and there’s a circular mirror hanging over the table in his entry hall, a painting of a brown and white bird over the television and finally, Ben discovers when Rey opens the bedroom door, is that she has replaced his charcoal grey comforter with something </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> floral and feminine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t it pretty?” Rey asks, grinning up at him as she waits for his approval.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s pretty,” Ben agrees because he isn’t sure what else to say. There’s also a vase of tulips on the nightstand and a fuzzy pink rug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t like it?” Rey pouts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do,” Ben says quickly, “Thank you, Rey.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He isn’t bothered by how Rey has taken over the room and put her own touches on everything, but it </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> ache to think that someday she’ll leave and he’ll have to be reminded of her every morning when he wakes up alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh! I have to show you the new bath towels,” she says, pulling him from the room and away from his thoughts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What was wrong with my bath towels?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They were black,” Rey says, as if that’s all the explanation required. “Everything you own is black or white or gray. You need some color in your life, Ben.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was one way to explain Rey’s presence, Ben thinks with a smirk as he follows her into the bathroom to find bright yellow towels. She’s colorful, alright.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On Friday morning, Rey asks Ben as she spoons cereal into her mouth, “What train do I take to get to O’hare?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben watches as she brings another spoonful to her mouth -- it’s Reese’s Puffs cereal and he’d tried to tell her that it was more of a candy than a suitable breakfast but she’d stubbornly pointed out in the grocery store that the box </span>
  <em>
    <span>said</span>
  </em>
  <span> it was fortified with vitamins and minerals. He ignores the cringe he feels coming on as he says, “I’ll go with you. It’s a long train ride.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have work?” Rey asks excitedly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben shakes his head, he’d traded his morning shift with Hux so that Rey didn’t have to take the hour trek to the airport to pick up Rose. He trusted her enough to get to Ikea and back, but the thought of her leaving downtown Chicago worried him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she finishes her breakfast, she puts on her shoes and bounces excitedly as Ben slowly finishes his oatmeal. “Come on! We’re going to be late.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Her plane isn’t landing for another hour and a half,” Ben points out. He’s being slow on purpose because after a week he’s found all the ways to make that cute little wrinkle appear between her eyebrows and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like when she whined his name.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Beeeen.” There it is, he thinks with a grin as he stands and washes his bowl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Okay. I’m ready,” he says as he joins her in the hall and slips into his shoes. Bee Bee jumps off Ben’s chair and trots to the door. “Sorry, bud. You stay here and guard the house.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And don’t eat any of Ben’s shoes,” she hisses quietly as she closes the door behind them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Ben and Rey wait at the luggage carousel for Rose and when she appears, all Ben sees is a small blur with shiny black hair, “Reeeeey!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben steps back as both girls jump and squeal in high pitched voices, drawing the attention of several other people and all Ben can do is nod his head in apology as people glare.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You grew your hair out!” Rey says when she finally steps back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose does a pose and flicks her hair dramatically over her shoulder, “Finn says I look more grown-up without the bangs!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love it,” Rey gushes. “Oh and your ring! It’s huge, Rose!” As if remembering that Ben is there, she turns to him. “Oh, Rose, this is Ben. Ben, this is Rose.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is Ben?” Rose interrupts. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Ben</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben? As in the one you wouldn’t talk to me for a week when I--?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“AH!” Rey jumps at Rose, clapping a hand over her mouth. She gives her friend a warning look.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“When are you </span>
  <em>
    <span>what?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben laughs as Rey’s face turns pink. “I want to hear this…” He grabs Rey’s arm and pulls it away from Rose’s face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“One time I saw a picture of you and I said you were a big-eared dork and Rey got so mad she didn’t talk to me for a week,” Rose snickers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben’s face turns a little red too, because as cute as it is that Rey held a grudge on his behalf, it’s humiliating that strangers were commenting on his appearance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But clearly you grew into the ears,” Rose says. “And clearly you’re not a dork anymore… with your um, pecs and biceps and thighs and…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey clears her throat and crosses her arms over her chest, “Do I need to call Finn?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No! No! I’m just saying, his ears aren’t big anymore,” Rose stammers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They are,” Rey says and before Ben can stop her, she’s pushing his hair back to expose his protruding ears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop that,” Ben grumbles, swatting her hands away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think they’re cute,” Rey soothes, patting Ben’s arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben harrumphs and asks Rose, “Which suitcase is yours?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That purple one,” she points and when Ben takes a step closer to the carousel he hears Rose whisper loudly, “Oh my god, Rey. He’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>HOT.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” At least he feels a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little</span>
  </em>
  <span> better then.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The train ride back to his apartment is pure torture. Rose Tico does </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> stop talking, Ben quickly learns. Half of the time, he can’t even understand what she’s saying, she’s talking so fast but Rey nods along and adds commentary here and there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they get to his place, Ben’s relieved that he has to take Hux’s evening shift because it means a break from the constant chatter. He wouldn’t say the hospital was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>peaceful</span>
  </em>
  <span> place, but it was more peaceful than Rose’s rapid fire chatter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once Ben is out of the apartment, Rose turns to Rey, “Girl, you did not tell me that this man was </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> attractive.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey shrugs, because of course she’s noticed, but instead she says, “Ben’s always been attractive.” Rose gives Rey </span>
  <em>
    <span>the look</span>
  </em>
  <span>, the knowing one that says Rey is full of it so she concedes, “Okay, yeah, he’s hot. But do </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell him I said that.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Why not?” Rose asks, “Maybe then he’d let you climb him like a jungle gym.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey isn’t quite sure what that means, but she’s positive it’s something sexual so she decides to explain the situation as bluntly as possible. “He still sees me as a kid, Rose.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A strange look crosses Rose’s face, “Are you sure about that? You guys are living together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He sleeps on the couch,” Rey deadpans.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Always?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. Except for that one time…” Rey begins.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose’s curious smile goes straight to a devious grin. “Tell me more…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Twenty minutes later, they’re rolling around on Ben’s bed giggling about something that Rey can’t even remember -- it feels good to laugh and even better to see Rose after so long. While Rey tries to catch her breath, Rose rolls off the bed and begins to snoop through Ben’s bedside table drawers. “No condoms…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re in the dresser,” Rey says and then claps a hand over her mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Rey?” Rose grins.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because I snooped like you did,” Rey huffs, climbing off the bed and pulling the drawer open. “I counted them all too so I know if he’s… doing things.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Girl,” Rose snorts and joins Rey, as they push aside clean socks and underwear. “Oh my god. Of course,” Rose laughs once the gold foil packets have been revealed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” Rey asks, confused by her best friend’s exclamation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s got Magnum XLs…” Rose laughs, holding one up. “Not that I’m surprised.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t get it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re like the biggest condoms,” Rose giggles. She tears one open and rolls it on over her fist and up almost the entire length of her forearm, laughing maniacally as Rey’s face pales and her eyes widen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nuh-uh,” Rey finally says. “There’s no way it’s the size of your arm! That wouldn’t even </span>
  <em>
    <span>fit</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Rose.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, it’ll fit,” Rose waggles her eyebrows. “Besides, how do you think a baby fits coming out?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Rey grumbles, feeling embarrassed. “I’ve never had sex. Unlike you, I didn’t meet my soulmate in junior high.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No you met him in elementary school,” Rose teases, “Beeeen~”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey suddenly doesn’t feel like joking around anymore. She was used to Rose’s teasing -- sometimes she imagined it was exactly what having an older sister would be like. But right now it just feels cruel even though Rose can’t possibly know how much Rey wants Ben to return her feelings. How much it hurts that he sees her like a child still, after all these years. “It’s like you said at prom, Rose. I’m going to die a virgin.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose’s face falls for a brief moment but Rey misses it as it quickly changes to fierce determination. “You’re not going to die. Ben won’t let you. And we’re going to get you laid…” She grabs Rey’s arm and pulls her towards the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ow, Rose. What are you doing?” Rey stumbles as she tries to keep up with Rose. She doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to just ‘get laid’. It’s pointless if it doesn’t mean anything and that’s the only reason Rey hasn’t been with any boys. She wants to fall in love first and if she’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> honest with herself Ben is the only person she’s ever imagined being intimate with.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re going shopping,” Rose barks, determination in her voice. “How much money do you have on you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Twenty dollars.” She still hasn’t used that precious bill Mrs. Baker had given her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s that?” Rose grabs Rey’s wallet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben’s credit card. That’s not mine,” Rey argues, trying to take it back as Rose plucks it from her wallet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He won’t mind.” It’s said with such authority that even if Rey is nervous, she follows Rose out of the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben is finishing up his rounds when his phone buzzes in his pocket and, worried about Rey, he checks it the first chance he gets. There’s a message from Rose: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Took Rey shopping. We’re using your credit card. She deserves better than smelly goat overalls and granny dresses.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose’s logic is hard to argue with and Ben can’t help the frown that crosses his features -- if Rey had wanted new clothes, she only had to ask. Ben isn’t interested in money, or clothes and if he has nice furniture and electronics, it’s only because he knows it’s a logical investment -- better quality products last longer. He’s got plenty of savings and he wouldn’t even notice it on his credit card statement if Rey spent a few hundred dollars on clothes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose was right: Rey deserves better.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He texts back quickly: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sounds good. Have fun!</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rose keeps him up-to-date as the day wears on; their shopping trip is a success and afterwards the girls go to the bar for drinks -- Ben warns Rose to keep an eye on Rey -- and finally, they stop for deep dish pizza.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben gets home before the girls do and he nervously paces the kitchen; what if someone slipped something into Rey’s drink? What if she got sick? Or if they were lost somewhere? He’s considering calling the police when the front door opens and both girls come inside, giggling loudly. Bee Bee jumps off the chair where he’d been sleeping and trots off to the bedroom for peace and quiet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben! Hi!” Rey says loudly and then hiccups.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shhh,” Rose giggles. “Ben look at all the clothes we bought!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I see that,” he smirks, amused because he’s never seen Rey tipsy before. She’s cute; all red cheeks and glassy eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rey! You should do a fashion show for Ben,” Rose encourages.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben doesn’t want to see that,” Rey scolds and carries the bags into the bedroom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She has no idea just how much Ben wants to see that -- how much he’d like to see Rey modelling all kinds of cute outfits, just for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*****</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Ben tosses and turns for a long time because all he can hear is giggling and Rose’s non-stop chatting. At one point, he hears Bee Bee scratching at the door and he gets up to open the door just enough for the dog to escape and steal his spot on the couch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The following day, he has no work so he sleeps in, even when he hears Rose and Rey tiptoeing and whispering loudly. When he wakes up a couple of hours later, the apartment is empty and it’s almost noon -- he can’t remember the last time he’s slept in this late.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reaches for his phone and sends Rey a text: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Where are you?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>At the pool, </span>
  </em>
  <span>a message from Rey comes, followed by one from Rose: </span>
  <em>
    <span>You should come up.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben thinks about it for a few minutes: he’d planned on working out today anyway and a few laps in the pool would be a nice change of pace from weight lifting. He changes into his trunks, completely oblivious to the thought of what might be waiting for him upstairs at the pool.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey. In a tiny yellow bikini with little daisies all over it. His mind goes completely blank at the sight of her bare stomach and long legs and the hint of cleavage he can see. He’s attracted to her, and it is no coincidence that the first thought he’d had when they reunited was how beautiful she’d become. That attraction has only grown in the time since then; all the time they’d spent together and all the opportunities Ben’s had to relearn her playfulness, to admire her determination, to see her kind heart… none of that could have prepared him for Rey in next to nothing. She’s not just beautiful, Ben thinks, she’s a goddess. He’s tried his hardest to be a gentleman, to push the memory of how lovely her voice had sounded when he’d come home to her touching herself in the tub, to not think about what she looked like wet with her hand between her legs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knows that’ll be impossible now that he’s seen this much of her. He’ll never be able to turn off the sound of her gasps and moans or the sight of her legs and what the tiny scraps of fabric are covering. He’s gone, Ben Solo is dead and all that’s left is a man who wants to worship this woman who has no interest in him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh look, there’s Ben,” Rose says loudly and when Ben’s attention turns to her, he knows from the grin on her face that he’s been caught staring at the forbidden fruit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ben! Did you come to swim? Rose won’t go in the pool with me because she says it’s too cold,” Rey sits up and Ben has to tear his eyes away as she leans forward so that her cleavage is more fully on display.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah,” Ben replies and he cringes when his voice cracks like a teenager. His face feels hot and so do the tips of his ears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m actually tired,” Rose fakes a giant yawn and stands up. “I think I’m going to go lay down for a bit. Keep Rey company, Ben.” She winks at him as she stands up and wraps a towel around her shoulders.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, Ben…” Rey stands up and Ben waits until Rose is inside before he pulls off his shirt and joins Rey in the pool. The water </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>too cold but at least it means they have the pool to themselves.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rey is doggy paddling little circles around the pool and when Ben climbs in, she swims over and wraps her arms around his neck, pressing her front to his back. “Pull me,” she says in his ear and he fights the shiver as he begins pulling her in circles around the pool as she clings to him. He can’t ignore the feel of her skin against his, the way their legs occasionally tangle together or the slide of her breasts against his back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s going to hell, he thinks, for lusting after this girl who only thinks of him as an older brother. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>